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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Stay for the sake of the children

20 replies

Marinamerlot · 18/12/2009 18:04

I have been married for six years and most of the time it is perfect. However every couple of months my husband completely loses his temper with me and says really hurtful things - swears, says I'm useless, he wishes I wasn't his wife, etc etc. I've just about had more than I can take and always find it difficult to get close again. He never apologises - I always have to apologise and get round him. At the moment he has had an outburst and is completely ignoring me - at meals, in bed, etc etc. I am bewildered. My problem is that he is a great Dad and our 2 children have wonderful lives. If everything else is fine, should I just get on with it?

OP posts:

Jux · 18/12/2009 18:12

No you shouldn't. Unless of course, you want your children to grow up thinking this is how they should behave? I know you don't.

Let him be a great dad when he's with htem.

However, he is not much of a partner/husband is he?

You can suggest Relate or somesuch; point out that it's that or end of marriage. How he reacts to that will tell you something. I suspect the long term news is not good, though. I'm sorry.

FabIsGettingReadyForXmas · 18/12/2009 18:13

Tell him he isn't a child so he needs to grow up and stop sulking or he will have to go.

Your kids deserve better.

Original poster

Marinamerlot · 18/12/2009 18:19

Yes but I was brought up that marriage is a lifeline commitment (made your bed, etc...). Everything else is great - I have a lovely life and the kids are so happy. It's all very well saying to go, but isn't it better to just grin and bear it? Or maybe I just need some back-bone.

OP posts:

FabIsGettingReadyForXmas · 18/12/2009 18:30

Up to you.

If you are not happy 95% of the time, what is the point?

Alambil · 18/12/2009 18:31

Do you really want your sons learning that's how they treat girls? Their future partners will be treated like that....

Do you really want your daughters learning that's how they get treated? It's all they deserve because they chose the man and marriage is for life...?

I wouldn't want that for my children...

purpleduckUnderTheMistletoe · 18/12/2009 18:43

I have found that people who say "marriage is for life - you've made your bed etc etc" generally are people who have had really miserable lives, and terribly unhappy marriages.

What it realy means is " I was too scared to leave, so everyone else should just sat and settle too". Best not to listen.

Sorry you are going through this.

I understand when things are ok most of the time, but its the rest of the time - even if its 5% of the time that destroys the trust, and ruins the security that you feel in your relationship and with your partner.

There are compromises in most relationships,
no one but you can decide how how big your compromise is.

SolidGoldpiginablanket · 19/12/2009 01:31

He's not a great dad, you know. He's going to start treating the DCs to this sort of behaviour soon, if he hasn't already, and that will really mess them up. Right now I would imagine they are young enough simply to obey and worship Daddy, but the first time they disagree with him...
Basically people like your H who think it's OK to control other people's behaviour by withdrawing affectiion and being verbally abusive, don't stop doing it. They regard their partners and their DC as property/pets/inferiors whose behaviour they are entitled to control.

Original poster

Marinamerlot · 19/12/2009 06:39

I'm friends with his ex wife and I know he did the same to her... she said it was like walking on eggshells all the time. This didn't start with me until after we were married of course. I confided once to his ex wife and she spilt the beans.

OP posts:

mumblecrumble · 19/12/2009 06:49

SOunds o me like he needs some help. How much have you sicussed with him? Sorry by the way

Hassled · 19/12/2009 07:21

I am strongly of the belief that children struggle to be happy if their parents are unhappy. Your DH needn't stop being a great Dad if you do split - if you're amicable about access, work very hard at staying civil to each other etc then it will be easy for the DCs to still have him very much in their lives.

You need to think long and hard about what the current way of life is telling them about healthy relationships.

frogetyfrog · 19/12/2009 08:27

Personally I believe that every effort should be made to sort it before leaving, for the childrens sake. My dh and I have sorted through some awful things on and off for 10 years when a lot of friends and family said I should walk. However, with a bit of backbone and a bit of help from outside, we have sorted through them and it has improved to the extent we are very happy and dc are happy and very stable. My parents split and I wish they hadnt however bad it was for them - in my mind they had a duty to try to stay toghether for our sake. Their split really affected us. If it cant be sorted then you may have to leave as children cant be happy if parents are dreadfully unhappy for long periods of time ( the odd fall out, shouting match does kids good to hear I think - prepares them for life).

SolidGoldpiginablanket · 19/12/2009 11:13

Frogetyfrog, presumably the problems in your marriage were down to the pair of you needing to communicate better or outside pressures or something.
THe problem in the OP's marriage is that her H is a misogynistic abuser.
SOrry but he is. He thinks she's his inferior who he's entitled to punish, and that's how he sees all women. Men like that don't change.
Marina, get yourself a copy of the LUndy Bancroft book - it will make everything make sense. Best of luck.

Anniegetyourgun · 19/12/2009 11:24

Never mind the "marriage is a lifetime commitment" thing - it's a commitment made by TWO people, and both have to stick to it or it doesn't work. There's a lot of lovely stuff about sickness and health, richer and poorer, but I don't remember a bit saying "whatever crap he/she chooses to dish out". To love and to cherish, not to insult and ignore.

It's not better to grin and bear it if he thinks it is all right to behave like that. He does need challenging on it. He's already blown one marriage and does he really want to blow a second? with children?

Time to haul him off to Relate.

2kidzandi · 19/12/2009 11:45

Marinamerlot I don't know what your DH background parental marriage was like. Perhaps he grew up thinking it was acceptable to behave towards his nearest and dearest as he's doing now.

But this is abusive, controlling behaviour, just without the hitting. Although words can hurt more than any slap, kick or punch as you always remember them.

You have an abusive marriage. If you look at it starkly like this, you will have a better idea of how to confront it now.

Because I'm thinking he did the same thing to ex wife. And she reacted by quietly getting around him 'walking on eggshells' Now he's gone out and found another wife you, who, I bet any money reacts to his outbursts in almost the exact identical way his first wife did.

He expects you to continue accepting it. Since there are other good things in the relationship i'm not suggesting you walk. But you should attach conditions to your staying such as couple counselling or therapy for himself because he does have issues maybe something like I said from his past.

Because he's not just going to change without some intervention.

Don't be quick to get a divorce but it is a two cart race.

spicemonster · 19/12/2009 12:14

There is a big difference between working through problems in a marriage where you are both committed to making it work and one partner treating the other with contempt and them putting up with it 'for the sake of the children'.

And however old your children are, they know. I was one of those kids and we always knew. They don't deserve this any more than you do. Honestly, their lives are not wonderful, I promise you.

queenofdenial2009 · 19/12/2009 13:49

I stayed longer than I should with my abusive ex because I believed he was a good Dad and that my daughter adored him. It was only after I left that I realised how much it was affecting her - I saw the difference within days. They pick up on all of it.

I second reading the Lundy Bancroft book. If he did this with his ex-wife, it's unlikely to be you and I'm not convinced going to Relate will help, he could just use it as an opportunity to have a go at you.

purpleduckUnderTheMistletoe · 19/12/2009 17:25

Frogety - was it the split or how they handled it that had an effect on you?

feelingpositivemum · 19/12/2009 18:19

My DC's are different kids since I left. I didn't realise my DS could be so happy until I saw the new him. He was so tense all the time before and angry with me! We now have a much better relationship and I stayed 'for the kids' for years. I really wish I had left years ago.

My counsellor keeps saying, DC's need two happy parents either together or apart, not unhappy parents together.

Original poster

Marinamerlot · 19/12/2009 21:03

Thank you everyone for reinforcing what I probably knew but didn't face up to. DH tells me that it is me, I am the difficult one, but he won't talk or discuss anything. I am sure I am wrong too, I have had plenty of failed relationships but it is difficult when we don't communciate at all. DH went to counselling once with me but said the Relate chap was picking on him and won't come again. He did the same with his first wife apparently. I think his father wasn't very kind either. I don't want to get divorced but feel stuck. He makes his own meals, coffees etc... I could just about tolerate this for the children's sake (my little boy is just a toddler) but he blanks me or swears in front of them. I really do need to ask for backbone this christmas.

OP posts:

SolidGoldpiginablanket · 19/12/2009 22:44

MM: lots of relationships don't work out, without it necessarily being the fault of either person - sometimes it just doesn't work out. Relationships with abusive people never work out, the trick is recognising the abuser and kicking their arse out the door. Probably the quickest and easiest way to detect that you are in an abusive relationship is to ask yourself this: are you constantly monitoring your own behaviour so your partner doesn't become 'upset' or angry? If so, your partner is abusive.

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