Can separation truly be amicable?

[londonartemis]

I posted a few months ago about living in a sexless marriage for 6 years and being tempted to have an affair. (My DH and I have been together 17 years and there are four children). Many MNs pointed out this was a symptom of the marriage (I accept that) and to work on the marriage. I have tried to do so and sex has resumed but I don't find it very loving and satisfactory. Early days I know, but I have been deeply unhappy for a long time, and pushed my needs aside for the good of the family. Now I am not sure I can keep doing that. I did make contact with the OM who has become a supportive friend. We would both like to be lovers but we are holding back. I have also started going to Relate. I suspect I am coming to the conclusion that whilst I respect my DH, we don't love each other enough. If I do decide to go down the separation path, what advice can MNs give me about making it as amicable as possible between us.

First of all I feel for you very much. My DW and I are separating under similar circumstances. Sometimes the wrong people get married, or they get married for the wrong reasons.

I suspect that you are in a very similar situation to the one that my DW found herself in several years ago, when she began the affair that opened the box on our long term problems. My first advice would be not to start an affair and to continue holding back. It will be much easier for you to negotiate an amicable settlement if you can do so without the damaging and complicating effects of infidelity.

Separation because the marriage is just not good enough is a hard step and you will need to be brave. But I don't think that anyone should have to settle for a relationship that just doesn't make them happy. Six years without sex is a hell of a long time, and speaks volumes about your relationship. Also, the sex you are now having sounds joyless and unfulfilling (at least from your point of view).

Does your DH feel the same as you? It's not clear from your post whether you both go to Relate, or whether it's just you. I don't think one person can make a separation amicable - it will all depend on how your partner deals with it. But I say again, if you want to try and keep it amicable having an affair would be the worst way of achieving your goal. I would concentrate on extracating yourself from your marriage, if that's what you decide to do, and then you will be better placed to begin a successful and happy relationship in the future.

Yup, bringing another man into the relationship now is probably not a good idea.

Definitely agree. I think it must be incredibly hard to have an amicable separation where there is anyone else involved. Even if you try and hide it, it will show. Be brave.

I'm sure you've tried London, but all the time there has been a "supportive friend" lurking in the background, I suspect this marriage wasn't ever going to work. The only ethical thing to do I think is to leave and give yourself time before advancing this other relationship - or stop any contact with your friend and give your marriage another (proper) chance.

Infidelity always skews the picture and makes bitterness and recrimination much more likely, from your husband and your children.

Thank you for your comments.
Geek Dad, Have just read your thread further down and see where you are coming from. I think your relationship and mine covers a lot of the same ground. Your point about marriage flawed from the start has made me think. I now see where some of the Relate sessions have been leading. I have not even told my DH I am with Relate yet as I was so confused and upset with everything that I needed to talk to someone alone to help get my mind clearer. My DH is a very busy man, but a kind dad, and it is very difficult to find a moment to talk at length with him about the small stuff never mind spring the big stuff on him.
The OM keeps his distance. Rationally I know he should not be there at all during this time, but if it hadn't been for him boosting my self esteem and encouraging me to make a go of it at home, the sex would still be dead.