How do I move on/should I move on?

[BistoBear]

Hi
This is my first post on Mumsnet. I finished with my DP of 10 years 3 weeks ago. I love him dearly but we both want different things from life. The last 3 weeks have been bearable and I have coped quite well. Unfortunately, I am now starting to wobble and have serious doubts. I miss him hugely and it is getting harder every day. I know in my head that leaving was the right thing to do but my heart is breaking. I can't help thinking that maybe I should have compromised? On the other hand, I am very proud for standing up for me and for what I believe in and having the courage to leave.

I know Christmas and New Year are going to be hellish, I have friends and family but they are all in couples so it's hard not to feel a burden.

Please tell me your stories of how long it took you to heal after a break up. Will I ever get over this? I just wish he was a horrible person that I didn't get along with! Instead, he's a great guy that I love. Just a shame that we want different things...

Thanks for reading - please reply candidly, I would appreciate a broad spectrum of honest replies!

BistoBear

10 years is a long relationship and the decision to split can't have been an easy one to make. What are the wobbles you are having about? Is it just because you have been so used to having him around and now he's not that its very lonely without him or is it that you think you might have made the wrong decision about why you split?

Thank you for the quick reply! I have purposely kept really busy so I haven't felt lonely. I am worried that I have thrown away a good thing. Although we have been together 10 years we lived seperately with me going to stay at his 5 days out of 7. I have always been happy with this arrangement until recently. I would really like us to move in together but he is so against it. I am so ready to settle down and want us to be together full time but he says he's not ready! His previous relationship went all wrong when his ex-p moved in to his house and he had an awful time with her. I feel that I am being punished for her mistakes and that he is allowing his past to dictate his future.

I'm so confused! My head is telling me to stay strong, get over him and move on - find someone who wants the same things I do an the same terms. But I can't help thinking what if he is the one for me and that I should just accept my lot and be happy with it. We had such a great relationship, have loads in common and get along so well and have so many laughs together. He has said that I am the woman he loves and that he wants to spend his life with me. All my/our friends are flabbergasted as they have all ways seen us as the perfect couple.

But I want to live with the man I love, full time! I want my life partner not just a boyfriend! Am I really asking too much after 10 years together?

BistoBear

My sis broke up with her DP of 10 years. It WAS really hellish to begin with, and 3 weeks, though I bet it's dragged, is still early days.

It will take time, of course christmas can be difficult, but you have to trust your decision, it wouldn't have been a decision you took lightly.

Keep busy, don't worry about being a burden, you won't be. I'm sure your friends will be happy to help you through this.

One day at a time, you will get through this.

Oh yes and btw, shortly after the split, my sis met her now DH, moved to USA, and have a 6m DD who I'll be meeting for the first time in a day or two.

Everything happens for a reason, be patient, I promise it'll all be amazing for you.

You are a brave woman, and your bravery will be rewarded. Hang on in there!

Having periods of being busy is good, of course, as you need to feel you are accomplishing something. However, don't forget to build in some time to sit quietly and think, relax, cry if you have to. You won't recover until you can face an evening alone without dreading it. Sorry that this is not more cheerful, but if you're serious about going through with this, that's the way real recovery lies, and how to test how "over" you are.

Sorry I can't comment on whether you should go through with it, just how!

OP I'm not surprised you felt frustrated in your relationship, 10 years is awfully long time to wait for things to move onto a more committed stage.

Is it just his the way his past relationship went that scares him about you two moving together? IMO thats a pretty poor excuse to hold up your lives together particularly seeing that you love each other so much and have great relationship otherwise.

I can't help feeling that there must be a deeper reason. I mean, you've split up anyway and the reason you have is because he wouldn't commit further so if he was scared you moving in together would split you up then by not allowing it he's made it happen anyway?

I split with someone I loved deeply after 10 years of waiting for a commitment too. It was soooo hard for the first 12 months as you go through all of those firsts - Christmas, Valentines Day, Birthday, holiday without him, and I hit a real low after about 9 months, coping with a family crisis on my own. However, around 12 months after we had split I met my now dh, and we now have two lovely dss. Looking back, I couldn't have left him earlier as I needed to know that I had done what I could, but all of the signs were there. We weren't going to make it.

A good friend of mine did take her man back after splitting, after ten years. They muddled through for another ten years, with him not wanting a family, wanting some space, wanting a new job. She supported him in everything he wanted, then after a second ten years together he found a new woman, fell in love, and he started a family straight away. My friend has now met and married a wonderful bloke - again it took about 12 months after the split, but sadly it's too late for her to start a family.

HTH

Pineapple Chunks - all he would say was that if we moved in together our relationship would never be the same again and it would be the end of us as a couple. When he said that everything changed for me - how can I be with someone who has such little faith in our relationship? I think what galls me the most is the fact that he isn't even willing to give it a go - fair enough, if we moved in and it was awful then we could both walk away knowing that we'd given it ago - it would be easier to move on.

I know what you mean about there being a deeper reason - I can't help thinking there must be more to it than what he is saying.... How can he say "I love you and want to spend the rest of my life with you" but be willing to let me walk out on his life?

I think this would be easier if he was an A-hole....

NotQuiteGrownUp - your post sums up the two futures I face! I know that getting back together would most probsbly result in what happened with your friend. I am 32 years old so getting out now is the right time.

What helped you in the 12 months after you split up? Did you have similar doubts to ones I'm having now?

Lol - I was 33 when I made the break. That old biological clock was quite useful, though I didn't see it that way at the time. It was at my Grandad's funeral that I finally made the decision - he couldn't come and I suddenly felt so alone. I wanted someone who wanted to stand by me, not leave me to my own devices.

I think what helped me most was knowing that I had to do it. I had lived with doubts for a while, but had reached the point where I knew that I couldn't go on. I wouldn't have done it, if I could have avoided it, but deep down I knew I had done all I could and the relationship just wasn't working as I needed it to.

I also made a new start. We used to work together and I knew that I couldn't see him everyday so I packed in my job and moved on. Having new things to focus on helped - but then I am a 'fresh start' sort of person. I thrive on new challenges, so took on several at the that time.

And the old thing about time healing is sooo true too. I don't think you can get over a long relationship quickly. You need to plan for a lot of chocolate, nights in with DVDs, fix up to meet friends, offer to babysit, and just get through that first year somehow.

It nearly tore me apart - especially as he was my best friend and he was the one I would have wanted around to cry on his shoulder, and to tell me that it was going to be OK. He was brilliant about it too - he did come over a couple of times during the year when I really needed him, but I'd made it totally clear that there was no going back.

I still wasn't totally over him when I met my now dh 12 months later, but I was getting stronger and just trusted that I could have a future without him.

Very best wishes for you, whichever way you decide to go. It's your decision. You need to make the decision for yourself.

At your age you should be looking for the things you want. Life is too short to be unhappy, hang in there and wait for Mr Right, Mr who will love you want to marry you and have babies, Mr Commitment.

Don't compromise, it is your life, imagine going back and at the age of 38-40 still not being together full-time, no children and the chance of infertility and a wasted life.

He is being selfish. Have a nice time, get a makeover new clothes, NEW SHOES!!!!! ect... get to know yourself again as a person.

XX

'He has said that I am the woman he loves and that he wants to spend his life with me.'

but he doesn't want to commit = have cake and eat it.

you have done the right thing. stay strong.

either he will realise his mistake and come back to you or he won't, in which case you would never have been happy as YOU would have had to compromise.

NotQuiteGrownUp - thank you for your honesty. The good thing is the chances of me seeing him are slim unless I bump into him at the supermarket or in the pub, hopefully that wont happen over Christmas!

I gave up my job in the summer, started college and I will be going to university next year to start my nursing training. I am hoping all the new things I have going on will make it easier to move on.

I have joined the local pool and started swimming and I have set up a profile on Plenty of Fish.

I'm actually enjoying the fact that I have more time for me, my little dog is getting more walks than ever and I'm enjoying bonding with my parents again.

I know this the right thing for me to do, I just need work my way through the sad times! It's such a rollercoaster, isn't it? I go from feeling so positive and happy and optimistic to blubbing like a baby! That bloody Robbie Williams song "you know me" came on the radio yesterday when I was driving to placement and I had to pull over! Stupid words set me off! I know now to change stations when it comes on!

I can do this, I can do this, I can do this, repeat, repeat, repeat!

I heard somewhere, that it takes a month for every year that you were together, to recover from a relationship. So a year before you meet anyone else sounds about right.

Of course you will have wobbles, you will miss him, even though he isn't Mr Right. There is a reason that you were together 10 years, but not enough reasons to keep wasting your life on him.

Good Luck, it will all be worth it.

Bistobear it sounds as if you are doing brilliantly. Of course it hurts sometimes, but that's because you care and you are someone who knows how to trust/let someone in. But as you have discovered with college, and swimming, and your parents, there are other things in life to invest in and to enjoy. And one day you will meet someone who will want to enjoy them and lots of other things with you too.

You are doing the right thing Bistobear, he's literally wasting your time.

in time you may get angry with him, that may help you to stay on the right path. My sis was your age too...

Don't look back, only forward. have faith!

You guys are great! I am going to bookmark this page so that when I have down moments in the future I can come back and read this. Really good advice for which I am most grateful, thanks!

Come back and post, whenever you need it.

You'll be updating us with your good news in the not too distant future, for sure!

Bistobear you've done the right thing. The best thing you can do now is hold your ground. You have every right IMO to expect more commitment after 10 years. It's only been 3 weeks so getting over it will be very very difficult, the worse thing you can do is underestimate that. You do not get over 10 years in a few weeks or even months. Cut yourself some slack.

Your ex had a relationship with you on his terms for a long time. But you never know with men. Sometimes it is only when you demand something better and don't waver, that they then take you seriously and come round to your way of thinking. I had a friend who dated a guy for 6 years and wanted to get married. He wouldn't. She said 'O.K. carry on doing your thing, good luck and goodbye' and left him. A year later he turned up having tried to find the same quality of relationship with other women and failed and now they are married.

I'm not saying that something like that may happen to you. But you are right to stick to your own principles and wants, deserve more, and you never know what may happen. At the very least you WILL eventually find someone great who wants the same things you do. But you won't know if either scenario will happen if you relent and continue to sell yourself short.

Just MO

I appreciate your opinion 2kidzandi, I have decided to cut myself some slack! I think I've tried too hard to be strong and happy when really I should have spent more time mourning (if that's not too strong a word) and allowing myself to be sad.

I have had the biggest clear out today and my best mate is coming round tonight - she lives 1.5 hours drive away so we've not really had a chance to disect things properly!

I know a lot of people on Mumsnet think Facebook is evil but it has been a MASSIVE help for me - a lot of my friends are all over the world so having Facebook as a communication tool has been ace! The day after we broke up I was IMing with friends in Ecuador, Ireland and Canada!

Thanks again everyone, I will be back I'm sure, hopefully, like GroundHog says, with good news!

OK, I'm home after a fun night out with my best mate - I'm so wanna text ex-p but I'm writing here instead because I know that I shouldn't text!

I am better off without him! I will meet a gorgeous, funny, kind man! I don't need ex-p or any other man to make me happy!

Feels good to write that down - one day at a time!

I think there will be quite a lot of these tipsy drunken messages over christmas/new year - please bear with me ladies, I will get there!

Great to hear from you BB - and well done for posting here rather than texting him.

Funnily enough, I had the same thoughts as 2kidzandI. Early on in my relationship, I had applied for a job miles away, got an interview, but hated it, so didn't go. Only years later, my exp said that if I had gone, he would have packed up his job and followed me - the sort of commitment which I never got, whilst he was in his comfort zone and had me eating out of his hands.

Find that inner strength. Follow your dreams and do what you want to do. Once you have, then your exp may well start to look afresh at the strong woman he let slip through his hands. But by then he will have stiff competition from other guys who really appreciate you for who you are.