just dont know what to do any more

[stuckandhelpless]

I've name changed as some people know me on here and I don't want them to know whats going on.
To cut a long story short, I've been married to my H for 20 years. We got married fairly young. Late on in the marriage we had a child (unplanned) who's now 2. I can't go into too much detail but we do a job from home which is hard work and can often be challenging. Our marriage was I always thought strong, but since doing this job its gradually deteriorated. I have no say in the job. If I give my opinion on stuff its wrong and I am behaving unreasonably. Its his way or no way basically. I've come to see him as quite a shallow person who never listens; talks over me before I have even finished my sentences and basically he makes me feel a failure. I am often questioning myself now and am starting to believe that I am an unreasonable person, even though people that know me other than him don't think so. I often thought about leaving but never had the bottle and thought maybe we could work through things.I have to say there is no passion any more and I don't find him physically attractive. he's let himself go and tells me to take him as I find him. Things became more complicated since I had my child. Now I have to fit him into the equation.Would I be doing the right thing by leaving H and taking my child away from his Daddy? I just feek really unhappy. My H refuses to give the job up and look for alternatives as he likes the fact its highly paid and we would have to downsize and actually GO OUT to work if we did. I would do it in a flash. Sometimes I think I love him, but I wonder if I just say that because I'm scared of starting out on my own. I also wonder if I'm being really selfish even considering leaving in view of the fact we have a small child together.We very rarely have disagreements in front of our child
I don't know what to do or how to make things better. Not sure if I want answers I just needed to get it all off my chest.

You don't have to stay with him if you really don't love him.
Why don't you get a job of your own and leave him to do the job from home since he clearly thinks he's better at it than you are. He might appreciate how much you do when he is left to do it all on his own.
Then you will gain some indpendence and confidence and find the strength to leave him if that is what you want to do.

Just thought I would reply as I've just got something off my chest on another thread. I'm not the happiest person either and my H works from home. My life line is that I go out the front door to my part time job 3 days a week. My H's business is now failing so my job plus my direct sales business is keeping us just about afloat.
My advice, and I don't know if its an option at all for you is to go out the front door to your own job. Resign formally from your home business. I know its a rubbish time to find employment but if you can get some fulfilment and confidence back, then someway down the line, you might even start to like him again.
Best wishes

Oh dear this is a big one. I obviously cant tell you what to do in such a complicated situation but here are a few things that struck me:
-I dont think its always the case that children are better off with both parents. Even in non-violent situations. I am not so sure that being together with your H is necessarily better for your C if you are being ground down and unhappy. I think children pick up on that kind of tension even if they dont see their parents arguing and they find it confusing.
-I have experience of someone domineering (talking over you, making you feel stupid or irrelevant) and I think you underestimate how much this affects you. I would really devote some time to tryi9ng to figure out exactly whats going on.
-I dont think its reasonable for your H not to consider otehr options that this job just becasue it pays well. There are other downsides - like always being at home and not having regular exposure to other people. Do you have to work together?
-whats not clear in what you have posted is whether its the job or him thats the problem. You have been togethr 20 years, was it better before? Before the job pr before the child? Was he different or whast this problem always there its just become more pronounced now?

Maybe you could find somewhere safe to explore whats really wrong and what you want to do about it. I would suggest counselling but it depends on what you want.

Try to solve whatever it is not bury it, because these things always come back to haunt you amd when you do finally solve it the thing you often most regret is all the time you spent putting up with something because you were too scared to tackle it.

Good luck

I think the job has sort of highlighted the issues. Prior to it we were going out and working seperately. Although having our child was a shock, we love him dearly and he truly is the best thing in our lives. I can't detail the job as it would 'out' me, but we've been doing it for a while and initially it paid ok and financially we were reasonably secure. We lived in a 3 bed semi and had a small mortgage. Howere we now live in a much bigger house with a much bigger mortgage so unless we downsized we couldn't walk away from this job and it does need the 2 of us to keep it going.And because of the bigger mortgage we have to work all the harder. Again, I feel that's my fault. I could have dug my heels in when he started on about getting a bigger house but I allowed myself to be pulled along and now find myself in this position. I don't necessarily feel there is an answer other than to dust myself down and carry on as we were. He is not going to change no matter what. His family are all the same, pig headed know it alls. I only realised that a while after we'd been married. I think my H doesn't respect me and I know I don't respect him because of the choices he's made regardless. But then think he probably thinks he's doing the right thing, and he harps on about sticking with it and we can retire early, but in the meantime I am resentful and fed up. My head is just full and I go round and round in circles. I think if we didn't do this high pressure job things would be better for us, but maybe I am just kidding myself.

Stuck, I am exactly where you are with two small differences - our business is not making money, and there are three children involved.

I would echo everyone who says try and find a job outside the house, I have always had somewhere else to go at least two days a week, and it has saved my sanity, if not my marriage.

We are still married, but still not sure why or how. We have talked about Relate, but he is cool about the idea, as he is about trying to find a way to earn more money. Apparently it's quite normal to pay the mortgage with a credit card advance!

But, my one big piece of advice, for what it's worth, don't let it drift so far that things become even more complicated by the temptations offered by someone who is willing and eager to treat you with respect and kindness

Sorry that was a bit of a hijack. I just wanted you to know that you're not alone in not finding the easy answers.

Thank you. Life would be so much easier if decisions were simple to make eh.

Does he really know how you feel? Have you actually said, I need to get another job or we have to consider our marriage?

When I upped my hours at my 'outside' job and cut those I worked with him, H wasn't at all happy, but once I explained he would find it easier to find part-time admin assistance than a new wife, he stopped fighting about it.

Things are a little easier between us, but as you say working together just seems to highlight the issues, rather than being the core problem. So lots of work yet.

I have told him numerous times, but I think he feels I'm just 'being emotional'

Is that 'emotional and irrational', Stuck? Because that's exactly the reaction I got.

Do you think that if you tried to find a new job, he would consider that the end of your marriage?

Yes, emotional and irrational, as only women can be! His Dad has a similar attitude towards his wife unfortunately so its a bit like father like son.
And yes I think he would think it was a betrayal if I went and got another job as he expects me to support this one a its for 'our future'. Even though I've said we won't have a 'future' together if I feel any more stressed out and uncared for. Pathetic thing is that I think he does care for me in his own way, he's just had a rubbish example of how a husband should be because of his Dad. I also have to say his Mum is a crazy irrational person, so I get really miffed that he classes me in the same catergory as her. Sometimes I think I should act like her then he'd realised what a hard working rational person I actually am!

One of the reasons I had to find my own job, was because of H's attitude toward me and my DCs, particularly as the girls were of an age to notice how he spoke to me.

I really didn't want them to think that was how they should be spoken to when they have their own husbands.

You can already see the learned behaviour at work, you have to make a stand so your DS doesn't think your H's way is the right way. Even if you're not arguing in front of him, there will nuances and tones which small children are primed to pick up.

You don't have to abandon the marriage, if you don't want, but if wanting a new job is going to threaten it, is it worth having?

And as I say, things are better here since I refused to listen to his blackmail, not perfect, but slightly more tolerable

I will definitely look into the idea of getting a job out of the home. I think part of the problem is we never get any space. Thank you for your insightful comments and personal experience. I appreciate it.

I only hope it all helps.

But, remember, I'm still here a couple of years on, in such a threadbare relationship, that I can panic at the sight of woman's jeans, on other thread, and yet hypocritically falling into a cannot-end-happily distraction.

Really hope you can avoid all that, and find the right path. But my 'advice' comes with a huge dose of salt.