Can someone shed some light on this please?

[thesteelfairy]

I am separated from ex and have started seeing someone else. It is someone I knew many years ago, we met up again recently and all the old feelings from then came back and we have started seeing each other.

During our marriage, ex h was unfaithful many, many times probably close to 50 times with random strangers, prostitutes and had an affair while I was pregnant with my son, he was verbally, emotionally and physically abusive and took great pains on a daily basis to let me know how unloved, unwanted, and completely unnecessary I was to him. He got us into loads of debt, pawned our electrical goods whenever I went away anywhere and is a functioning alcoholic ie he manages to hold down a job. I have posted about him many, many times before under various names here and here and here plus many many more. It took me a long time to leave him.

For some reason, now that I have met someone else he has become incredibly verbally abusive again towards me and has actually been quite threatening. He is calling me awful names constantly, for example I gave my dd a waterbottle I had just drunk from and he snatched it off her and said "NO!, we don't know where Mummy's been do we?", he tells me I am destroying our family by having a new DP, because for all his terrible behaviour in our relationship he would never have broken up the family for one of his women. He apparently expected us to get back together at some point and have now destroyed our family unit. He wants me to get sterilised so I cannot have any more children, he wants me to sign legal documentation to say I will never introduce the dc to another man. I know this is all ludicrous but I want to understand why he is behaving like this when he "never loved me anyway" and how he is managing to justify his behaviours in this way. It is driving me crazy, can he really not see how much worse his behaviour was throughout our marriage. Sorry this is so long but I need some advice on how to manage this situation. I am outraged more than anything that he feels entitled to behave towards me in this way purely for moving on after the way he behaved while in the marriage. Any thoughts welcome.

Only one reason he is behaving like this, well no, 2 actually:

1. Control
2. he's an arse!

Don't let him verbally abuse you, if he refuses to be polite then see a solicitor about supervised access, neither you or your children will benefit from being abused by this "man"!

Good luck.

He is losing control of you. And he hates it. he doesnt sound liek he loves you, but he does sound like a control freak.

Lisa is right, you do not need to have contact with this man if you dont want to. Arrange visitation through a centre or family member. Correspond only through 3rd parties, like a solicitor or friend/family member.

If he's a functioning alcoholic, he is able to convince himself of anything! He would have put you down in the past to justify his disgraceful behaviour and now his ego cannot accept that you are moving on from him. I have just separated from a functioning alcoholic and I find it hard to understand how he can delude himself, but the truth of his pitiful life and choices would be too much for anyone to bear.

Good for you for getting out, and don't get drawn into the madness, definitely don't sign anything (very much doubt it would be legally binding anyway!!). Yes, check with your solicitor.

Because he doesn't view you as a person, he thinks of you as his possession.

I think it is also about ownership (which I suppose comes under the 'control' category)

It sounds as though he still thinks you are his and just because he says he doesn't/ has never wanted you, he doesn't want you to be anyone else's.

I agree with LisaD1, you cannot let him abuse you you are not his, you are your own person.

Oh yes, and he is an arse!

Thanks for your replies. I know all this really I suppose. He does say some terrible, terrible things to me though, he always has been like this but has really stepped it up since I met this other person. He takes great pains to let me know what a piece of shit I am to him and how unwanted I was throughout the marriage, you would think he would be relieved I had moved on. I told him I thought he must still love me (totally tongue in cheek) to be so enraged by my moving on and he was practically frothing at the mouth trying to let me know how far from the truth this was. It just doesn't make any sense does it?

thesteelfairy, this ex-man of yours sounds not only like a control freak, he sounds dangerous. Not long ago I read a book titled "The gift of fear", and one chapter is dedicated to controlling and abusive husbands who end up hurting the ex-wife or children... your description of your ex fits several of the traits. Please, if you can get hold of this book and read it you would be doing yourself and your DD a big favor.

Do you let him see Dc on his own? If so I would def rethink this.
How far would he go to hurt you, if he realized he was losing his hold over you?

I know that what I've said is scary. I dont know this twunt but you do so just be on your gurd.

I would absolutely minimise any contact with this man. He will use any contact whatsoever as an opportunity to be abusive towards you. Don't bother trying to get him to see sense or behave reasonably because you just can't. Neither will he ever admit that his behaviour to you was wrong so don't expect or hope for this, or try to convince him of it - you may as well bang your head against a brick wall.

If you must contact him (unavoidable sometimes I know) then always do it by text/email so that you have a record of his response.

I would also be very wary as other posters have suggested. He almost certainly sees you as a possession that he needs to keep charge of and control. The reason why things are escalating now is because another man is trying to take what he regards as 'his' and he is furious.

I also wouldn't bother trying to understand why he is like he is. The bottom line is, he's an abusive bastard you are well shot of. Whatever may have happened to him in the past is no excuse for how he treated you.

Sorry if all this sounds like a series of instructions btw. Not meant to, just I have experience of dealing with this kind of man and know how draining it all is.

Good luck to you and keep strong. Glad you have met a nice bloke

Don't try to understand him.
He's a nasty piece of work.

How did you eventually leave?

You know you didn't "break up the family" for someone else. It doesn't matter what he believes. You will never convince him when he has taken an idea into his head as he is clearly not functioning on rational lines. Don't twist your brain into knots trying to follow his thought processes.

My XH tried that exact same trick of wanting me to sign an agreement that I would not live with another man, because it would be bad for DS. Needless to say I have done nothing of the sort. DS will always come first, I don't need to prove anything to XH, and no court in the land would convict me if I did have another relationship after divorce. Not that I've had or even wanted one, but if I did, I reserve the right to make my own choices in life.

I once asked my brother what he thought could possibly be going on in XH's head. He said "Strange zombie hamsters are running around on little wheels, that's what". My bro has a brilliant way with words!

Leave Zombie Hamster Man to his bottles and his fantasies. You have a life now. Make the most of it.

The reason he's behaving like this is a) because he's an abusive alcoholic, b) abusive alcoholics often thrive on chaos and drama, and c) you keep responding to it.

I've got an abusive alcoholic ex. I've had all sorts of shite thrown at me by her. What has made a massive difference to my life is to realise that it doesn't matter what she thinks of me. Not least because she'll be thinking something completely different about me anyway after another bottle or two of wine.

So I have worked hard to emotionally disengage from her rants. The only two things I need to discuss with her are our DCs and maintenance money. That's it. And as much as possible I do those via email or text rather than on the phone or in person. If she does start ranting at me I either put the phone down or walk away as required. It has made an astonishing difference to my life.

You may find Al-Anon useful. It's the "friends and family" offshoot of Alcoholics Anonymous. In Al-Anon you'll find lots of people who are dealing with the same crap that you are and ways of avoiding getting entangled in the alcoholic's chaos and drama. There's also a very good book called "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie that talks a lot about how alcoholics/addicts can dominate your life and how to take back control for yourself.

You made a really good, positive step in ending the relationship. You just need to really appreciate that now the relationship is over, you don't owe this man a minute of your time if all he's going to do is use it to continue to abuse you.

Thank you all for your replies. I feel inspired now. Some of the things you say are similar to things my Mum says about ignoring and not even trying to make him understand but you don't always listen to your Mum do you?

Jasper I actually had a nervous breakdown, which I came very close to not recovering from, it took it to get that bad before I did something. I remember starting to feel very slightly better and thinking "Ok, now I have to get rid of him, because maybe next time I won't come back from this". I actually stopped posting here on MN for about three months because I couldn't bear to read the advice anymore and feel so incapable of acting on it.

Anniegetyourgun Your brother sounds very switched on. It is quite a clever way to describe it really because thinking of it like that helps you to detach and not take it personally.

Janos Doesn't sound like instructions, sounds like sound, black and white advice. I am filing for divorce in the New Year, I want to distance myself from him as far as possible.

Snorbs You are right it just doesn't matter what they think. It is only very recently that I am starting to realise this. I think it is true what you say about him thriving on chaos and drama, I have always noticed this about him even when drink was not involved. It was as though if things were going well and everyone was getting on he would have to say or do something to get everyone worked up and get the negativity flowing.

He has apologised this morning for all his verbal abuse over the past few days and says it will not happen again. We will see. I yearn for him to meet someone else because I honestly do think he would lose complete interest in me when he does. Sorry for her though, however she is.

One of my exDP's was an alcoholic. Bloody hell, they're hard work....

When he got abusive, I'd sing a little song in my head while keeping my face expressionless. And I KNOW it's childish.

It goes like this:

"Fuck off, fuck off, fuck off, fuck off".

It used to calm me down and amuse me to the point where I could deal with the abuse and not take it on board anymore.

love your song LL!! I have a similar mantra - stupid pisshead etc etc!!

snorbs, that was a great post

please will you pop up on every thread where someone is tying themselves in knots trying to understand a dickhead partner/expartner

because I agree, trying to understand is the path to madness in some cases

TheSteelFairy, I'm sorry to hear about your nervous breakdown. The wake-up call for me was when I realised the stress was making myself physically ill. Sometimes it takes our bodies crying "enough" for our hearts to realise that something has to change.

And, boy, do I know about the "Everything's going fine, let's do something stupid to fix that!" crap. I still occasionally think of my ex as The Fuck-Up Fairy. Whenever I think that things are starting to settle down, that we're getting some kind of routine going, she goes and does something spectacularly selfish, spiteful and/or dumb to fuck it all up again.

I do know that when my ex gets together with someone else then things do seem to calm down a bit for a while. Inevitably, though, sooner or later she turns into The Fuck-Up Fairy with them too and when they dump her she tries it on again with me. I have got very practised at putting the phone down on her. You are allowed to.

AnyFucker, thanks .

he's a dick - get visitation sorted legally - and just dont talk to him

as snorbs said - you have to get very practised at putting the phone down on him if conversation steers away from basic arrangements; shutting the door in his face if he is doing same on door step, and ignoring any texts/emails which dont contain simple questions which really need answering as they concern maintenance/arrangements.

cut contact to a minimum.

he is still trying to control you.

his feelings, thoughts emotions are HIS problem - dont make them yours any more. (it takes a whole enw mind set to do this and takes time and practice)

I would put an injunction on him tbh. Why should you or your children put up with him? He sounds quite unhinged. I think that his behaviour is threatening. Wanting you to be sterilised? WTF? How DARE he?