I need to get my mojo back

[travellingwilbury]

My libido is buggered , I really want to change things and during the day I often decide that I am going to go for it but then come the evening I am tired and just cba .

I find it very difficult to say yes to sex but once we are having sex then all is well and most of the time afterwards I do think why the hell are we not doing it constantly .

My dh is a lovely man and he is very patient but I know he is getting peeved now and feeling unloved as well .

I don't think I am depressed and I do love him but I just can't seem to take the initiative and get in the mood .

I do have two small children and a part time job and all the usual stresses but even still I would like to be more up for it for want of a much better phrase .

Any ideas ? Especially from people that have been there and come through it .

I was going to name change for this as I do feel but I figure most of you don't know who the hell I am anyway

Travelling - you're wise to question this and I think it's great that you want to do something about this.

It all depends what's behind it - I mean really behind it. Do you still fancy your DH? This is different to liking and enjoying sex. Very often, when people enjoy sex once its started, it's an indication that they still enjoy sex, but not necessarily the man they are having sex with iyswim.

Low sex drive can be attributed to many things, but IME, tiredness per se is often not the root cause of it - tiredness because of a partner's laziness often leads to unresolved resentment, for example.

How would you feel about having an honest conversation with your DH about this - in a "this is a problem affecting both of us" way?

I can totally identify with this travelling. I feel exactly the same. My problem is also compounded with damage "down there" after a v bad tear during my ds birth. I hate the look of myself down there now, its gruesome to me, and I can't bear my dh to touch it let alone anything more intimate. But even before that experience, and for some years now, I have felt very lacklustre as regards sax. Dont want to be that way but cant seem to change it.

Thank you both of you , I am really not sure wether I do still actually fancy my dh . I like spending time with him and if we do get a chance to go out on our own and just be together then I do think I fancy him then but day to day by the time he gets in which is generally about half 7 to 8 and then we have dinner I just can't seem to get the enthusiasm up for anything else .

I do think my inability to say yes or initiate anything is a problem . I did suffer abuse when I was very young which I think is part of the reason I find it hard to want to look kean . I don't know if any of this is making much sense but I do want to change it .

I have a bit of a different approach to this one and I'm aware it may not suit everyone.

My DP and I used to have the most fantastic sex life and then I found myself unexpectedly pregnant (at 41!). Even during pregnancy I was still quite keen. We even got back "in the saddle" quite quickly afterwards. The reason I mention this is that things pretty quickly cooled off on my part. I had a tiny baby to look after and also went back to work, full time, when she was four months old. She is now 2.3 and I am, quite frankly, shattered all of the time. I am tired but I am also resentful and sometimes bloody furious. I've thought about dumping DP several times but when I think about really doing it, I get so upset that I tell him how I'm feeling and then get past it.

Soooo, the point of all this is to recommend "maintenance sex". This is really sex to keep your relationship in a good place. I wouldn't have sex if I really didn't want to but when I just lack the urge or can't really be bothered I just think "oh what the hell" and get on with it. Or, to be more honest, am an enthusiastic recipient rather than actually making a huge effort.

Am aware this may sound a bit off but there is no pressure on me to have sex or anything like that. It's just a way to keep things on track until we really have time to sort them properly. Plus I sleep better afterwards!

TW you may have other stuff that perhaps you need to address if you have suffered abuse?

I cross posted with you and wouldn't have sent such a flippant (although genuine) response if I had seen your post first.

SleighBelle , honestly you didn't offend me at all . If anything you made me smile . Especially the sleeping better bit , that is so true .

I have been doing much the same as you tbh but I know I am not being honest with my dh and I am finding it harder to keep doing it . Also I always feel relief the next day that the pressure is off for a few days which is really not how I should be feeling .

Ah, no - that doesn't sound good at all... I really do think that it does sound as if you are feeling a bit "bleah" about your DH - not that you feel the relationship is over etc. I had a blinding revelation last week that I do still fancy my DP even though, most of the time, I'd like to give him a sharp slap.

Not entirely sure what to suggest other than getting some time to yourself if that's possible? It pretty much isn't for me (DP and I don't live together) so I do understand it's not as easy as it sounds. If you have a bit of time, even when travelling to work, perhaps you could think about what it is that you really want at the moment? Maybe a couple of days of work and a good sleep with no interruptions? Perhaps if you're able to find a bit of "you" in between the DW/mummy/work roles you have to fulfil you might start to find your mojo again?

I just don't know how to get past this . We do talk to each other about how we are both feeling and are good at talking , but that is obviously not fixing anything .

We have been together over 13 yrs and I really do want to get things back on track .

I am certainly not at the point of wanting to give up on us .

I do get time to spend with friends and just be me , I don't think more time away from him would help . It is not just him I don't really fancy , I don't seem to think along those lines at all anymore .

TW You are articulating to a word how I feel about sex these days, i really relate to what you said about feeling relieved when you have had sex cos the pressure is off for a day or two..I thought that was just me! It's like someone has just switched off my "sex" button if you know what I mean. It's not like I desire to have sex with anyone else, I dont desire it at all, feel a bit dead from the waist down. Was thinking lately if I should go to my GP, maybe she could suggest counselling, or medication or something, I don't know, really at wit's end. Hate to be always faking it in bed. I like the closeness that sex gives, just cant be bothered with the act itsef!

That is it exactly my sex button has been switched off .

What do we do? I know some people reading this will wonder if I am depressed but thats not it at all. I am a very happy well balanced person, who is blessed with a happy family life. I love my husband dearly, am not interested in anyone else, am totally content, have good friends and plenty of time to myself. Just feel like if I never had sex again ever it wouldnt bother me in the least. I need the cuddles, hugs etc...but not the sex at all. That cannot be normal.

I wonder whether maybe it's normal and a lot of relationships go through it?
We weren't having much sex during pregnancy and now that DD is 10 mo it's not back to normal-maybe once a week or two.
Up til recently I just didn't want any. Exactly as if my sex button was switched off.
It's getting better now, especially if I don't see DP for a few days, or we go out etc.
It's almost as if the everyday, seeing each other all the time was killing the excitement.
I think there aren't that many relationships where people want to tear each other clothes every day for 20 years iyswim.

EXACTLY how I'm feeling Nikita and tw. I got my thyroid checked but everything seemed fine. Now my dh thinks I should get my testosterone levels checked. Do you know much about this? Could it be hormonal? Maybe I'm just hoping it is and that it doesn't have anything to do with not being attracted to dh anymore.

Surely it is to do with the 'Bell Curve' sometimes?

By that I mean there are some people who have a high sex drive, many more in the middle and then half the population have a lower than average sex drive, trailing down into nothing.
I figure I am in the bottom 25%. I love my DH, I am not resentful, I'm a bit tired but I was before DCs and was still a bit about having sex after 10 years together. We were crazy for the first 3 years but the past 15 years it is petering out more and more.

I just think I have a low sex drive. Sometimes I wish I could just have a female viagra or something as it almost feels hormonal, as if I don't have any testosterone.

Is that how you feel TW?

We've all got young children, haven't we? I honestly think we're probably all knackered!

Also, I find it really hard to go from being mummy to being sexy. It's like the two things are so diametrically opposed in my head that I can't move from one to the other very quickly.

I seldom think about sex at all these days and I was pretty much up for it (with DP) at any opportunity pre-baby. Both DP and I had very high sex drives. Poor sod, must wonder where I went!

I do "make the effort" occasionally and it's great when I do but it's not ever on a week day - too tired.

I think we may be normal?

It feels great to be able to discuss this with other women and realise that maybe it is more the norm than I realised. I would like to think that my appetite for sex will resume in the future and that maybe a lot of it is the "mummy" factor at the moment. I get all the hugs and cuddles I need from the kids, and then by the time I am going to bed, I just want to have some alone time to read and get some much needed sleep. Doesnt help that I am in bed by 10.30 or 11 and dh doesnt come up till 12 or 1am, and I am comatose by then. We had sex recently early one morning (at his instigation as always these days!) and I found it pleasant enough, but would have been a lot happier to have been given a cup of tea in bed instead. Argh...I may as well just get the blue rinse and zimmerframe now and be done with it!

My DD often ends up in my bed too (don't live with DP) and if he's staying over and she wakes up in the night we go off to the spare room. I once "accidentally" woke her up so that I could avoid having to say no!

Well I was big and brave last night and spoke to dh about it . I needed him to know that it isn't about him . He was really lovely and said he wasn't surprised I didn't want to swing from the chandeliers most nights and that I was probably just knackered (boys of 3 and 5 )

I do think that with us a lot of the problems are we just don't get a chance to connect with each other very often .

He gets in about half 7 to 8 then we eat about half 8 and by half 9 to ten we are both ready for bed . It all feels a bit rushed to me if we then go to bed for sex .He has to be up by half 5 so he does need to go up pretty early

. I work both weekend mornings and we do tend to be busy all weekend with visitors or childrens stuff . We have decided that at least one w/e afternoon and evening every other week we will do something together as a family and make time for us to have a nice evening without other people .

I know this is not going to be fixed over night but I am really glad I have had the conversation with him and that he understands .

He did also mention about the earlier abuse and did I think that stopped me from saying yes sometimes so maybe that is something that I do need to look into a bit more .

Thank you for all sharing how you feel about this . It does help to hear from others going through similar .

Sorry I am really waffling this morning .

I'm so glad you've spoken with your DH. He sounds lovely!

Hope you find your missing mojo very soon.

x

Thank you Slighbelle , it has really helped to get this down and talk about it x

TW Well done for having the chat, am sure it was reassuring for your dh. Best of luck with it all and keep us posted!

Thank you Nikita and good luck to you as well . A cup of tea and a bacon butty would have done it for me