We are separating, but I feel SO guilty

[geekdad]

After almost a year of counselling my DW and I have decided to separate. Through counselling we have realised the problems that we have carried throughout our 18 year marriage. When we met as young 20-somethings, we had problems with sex , none of them physiological, I should add (I was a virgin, she had had several partners, and was pretty experienced). Anyway, we went out together for about six months and then she dumped me for someone more exciting in the sack. I hung around, and failed to move on, being her "friend" for several months until one day we got sort of intimate and starting going out again. The sex thing wasn't resolved, but somehow this ended up with us being married within the year. Our early marriage was fairly unhappy, and my DW was pretty depressed because my job took us abroad where she had few friends. We even talked about divorce after a couple of years, but I think we were both two scared. Things settled down a bit after our DS was born, but our love-life never clicked. A few years later our DD was born, and we had a stable, happy-enough life together.

Five years ago my DW started an affair (kind of inevitable that one of us would), which gave her what she was missing in the marriage, and which I found out about last year. We tried to work out what to do. DW didn't want to leave, but we discussed it, and there were a couple of times when it looked like that might happen. We got into counselling, and were able to work out why we were in this mess, but not really how to overcome it. How do you get intimate with someone when it has NEVER worked emotionally? Basically, we realised that we married way too young amd for the wrong reasons.

We ended up thinking that we would stay together for the children, but take partners to satisfy what we weren't getting from the relationship. DW started seeing the OM, and I eventually met someone else. That (as you might predict) was when things went from bad to worse. I became more involved with my "girlfriend" and DW realised that she didn't want a relationship with the OM after all. I ended my affair in an attempt to see what we could salvage of the marriage, only to find that I had essentially fallen for this OW, and became depressed that it was over.

I realised that I didn't feel as strongly for my DW as I thought, and we ended up discussing and deciding upon separating for real. That's kind of where we are. We told the children, and are in the process of readying the family house for selling in the new year. Neither of us can afford to move out without doing this. Needless to say, we feel incredibly guilty that we are doing this to our children. On the whole we both continue to get on as friends (as we have throughout the marriage), but we can't face a life of celibacy and lack of romance. I know we've already done this for 18 years (though for four of them DW was in love with the OM), but the counselling has revealed that the relationship was built on sand. Going back to where we were is NOT an option, but I don't think we can build a new realtionship under these circumstances. Hence our decision to separate. We both feel so down, and that we have failed our children. Friends have said that we deserve a chance of a happy relationship, and that staying together for the children in a loveless marriage is not acceptable, but this is certainly going to affect their lives irreparably, and I can't help feeling that separating is selfish.

geekdad....you both sound as if you have talked the whole thing through sensibly and without any animosity.
your decision sounds like the right one and dont worry about the children.When they are older they will thank you for not staying together for their sake...mine did.

I had the same thing with my ex. we have 2 wonderful boys who were 5 and 1.5 yeras old and i was desperate to make sure they werent affected. Because i called an end to our relationship after he had an affair,i paid my ex quite alot of money to go, as i felt it was only fair.He had lived with me in my house(it was mine before i met him...so i wasnt going to split the house) but he had contributed to alot the bills and our life for 8 years and i would have felt guilty just kicking him out. I wanted him to have enough to start again without too much financial hardship. He has supported the boys and myself until he got made redundant(twice) and has always been there for us(well ..most of the time)There had been no animosity between us and no reneging on financial support. The children have coped amazingly and have been better off than when we rowed like cat and dog,when we lived together.their school life never suffered.

Now he is redundant and because as a family we are close ,i still pay some of his bills to help him out as the boys would hate to see their dad in so much debt.
Maybe i shouldnt do it,maybe his girlfriend should help him,but i cant see him looking so worried about where the next penny is coming from.

Good luck with your decision..it is initially hard,but it gets easier.

Cirrhosis, I think you make a good point. Both of our DCs say they understand our reasons, and since we told them in October, neither has shown any obvious signs of distress, but I think that is because we're still living (albeit in separate bedrooms) in the family home.

Until we physically separate I don't really think we'll know how they will take it.

Geekdad - they may have been more aware of the unreal situation you were in than either you or DW....

Alypaly - you are what it means to be a truly loving and good parent. Good on you.

People often underestimate what children pick up on - if this couple stayed together and found other 'friends' how confusing would that be for their dcs and how they model relationships? You seem to have done all you can - not all relationships can work. Cut your losses while you are still amicable...

Geekdad - your children will understand that you did your best. Of course the children are going to be upset, it's a change they think they don't want - but once they see that you and your DW are happier co-parents, believe me, they will be fine.

When my own parents divorced, I hated it, despite having grown up in a terrible atmosphere at home with occasional domestic violence, frequent high octane rows, police being called to the house etc. I was 11 when they finally split up and it seemed the most dreadful thing in the world, despite what life had been like when they were together. It only took a few months of not living in that horrible atmosphere though, to realise that this was actually the best thing that could have happened. I'm so grateful that they did have the courage to go their separate ways - they both went on to meet lovely people with whom they have formed incredibly happy marriages.

Geekdad, I think you have been pretty bloody heroic in trying to deal with all this - you have tried everything and I agree that this is the right decision for you both. Maybe it is the initial decision (to get married) that you feel most guilt about? Some marriages are wrong right from the start, but no-one should be forced to live with a mistake they made years ago. Your children actually want to be happy and for you both to be happy. I'd suggest that no-one has been happy in your house for a long, long time.

Give them the honesty that is appropriate to their ages - agree together what you are going to tell them and try to give a united front.

Give some thought to the gender differences too. If you've got a son, be very careful about how you present his mother's infidelity. Unfortunately, I know of several adult men who have grown up with terribly distorted images of female sexuality when maternal infidelity has been involved. It's so important not to blame, or get into who was unfaithful first - I'd be inclined to present this as you have to us - neither of you could meet the other's needs.

Similarly, if you've got a daughter, be careful how you present your own infidelity to her. I've known of women who have grown up being very needy or very damaged because of their father's infidelity.

I think I'd be inclined to present the infidelity (if indeed you are both going to admit this to them, but suspect they know?) as a symptom rather than the cause.

The message I would be giving them now is that you love them, will always love them unconditionally and that the most important priority at the moment for both you and your DW is that they are happy. I would also give them positive messages about taking their time in later life about the life partnerships they form - and to be very sure they are marrying for the right reasons. I think if handled well, your situation can give your DCs positive lessons in life.

Good luck Geekdad - I have a feeling that life is going to be a lot happier for you now.

thanks for the lovely comment leavinglondon

WWIFN - Thank you for your thoughtful reply and for your support.

We have already told them why we are separating and couched it in terms exactly as I recounted here. It was quite a shock to them as we rarely argue (though this last year has obviously seen more frequent rows).

We didn't mention my wife's affair, or the OM (who they know as he visited the house quite frequently as mummy's friend). I actually recently told them about my partner, however, in part because they did meet her a number of times and they asked about why she didn't come round anymore. I explained the situation to them both separately, and they both said that they wished that I had been clear with them about her right from the start. Both appeared to understand the situation, and I'm glad that I told them because by not telling them I felt that I was lying to them by omission. They both understood that my infidelity was an outcome of the relationship breakdown, and seemed not to see it as a threat.

we have always told the boys that the reason we split up was 50:50. then they didnt take sides. We have never slagged each other off or used the break up as a weapon. Despite the fact that he went off with his ex fiance when i was prenant and then started seeing my best friend(DS1's godmother) after we had split up.

He now wants to come back, but my wounds have not healed even after 14 years.

good point about the symptom not the cause whenwillifeelnormal,, i know girls, (friends) who walked up the aisle wondering would it be 1, 7 or 20 years before they realised their husband was cheating on them... and it wasn't their husband's fault, it was their cheatin' father's 'fault'.