I will be asking DH (from who I live separately) for a divorce in the New Year.

[JollyPirate]

A bit of background..... DH and I will have been married fror 10 years next year. We have DS who is about to turn 7 next week.

Two years ago I discovered that DH had an addiction to telephone chat lines, the phone bills were horrendous and were the last straw for me. It turned out that this addiction was a long term thing pre-dating me.

I did not deal with it initially as I felt partially to blame as I hadn't felt like having sex for a long period of time (something DH always bought up when we discussed it). Then eventually I had a massive nervous breakdown. It was an utterly dreadful time (for him as well as for me) and I badly needed the support of my family. DH wanted to be supportive but all his support was around keeping me in the same home and area. My family lived nearly 200 miles away and DH was scarcely talking to me when I kept stating firmly that I needed to be near them. I cannot covey in words the utter hopelessness, helplessness, tears and anxiety I experienced at that time. It is sufficient to say I was about as low as a person can get without being suicidal.

In the end I went back to my family who supported and cared for me. DH did not offer support at this time and just shouted at me a lot down the phone in between coming up to see me and crying. At other times he tried to be supportive but it was just too little too late for me.

Now 2 years on I am settled in a council flat. DH stays here whenever he has work in the area but we sleep separately. These are the only times he comes to see DS (and to be fair to him he gets work here at least once a month). DH is and always was a bit of a groper and tbh I have had enough of him staying here. He messes the house up, moans when I want to go to bed at 9.30pm (as I often do)and makes comments about the council estate I live on (it needs to be twinned with Beirut ). In addition he makes comments about me being "distant" and "not wanting to talk". I have stopped trying to tell him that I don't want to talk because if I discuss anything which matters he gets upset and annoyed.

I only allow him to stay here so he can see DS and so DS can see his Dad who he adores. To give you an idea of his committment - DS and I are staying with in-laws over Xmas and they live in Wales (moved there from south east 6 months ago). I will come back on 27th because of the cat and DH will go to his place in Somerset.... and what then .... do you think he is coming to see DS at New Year? No he is driving back to Wales to be with his parents. I am honestly relieved about this but it just demonstrates how fickle his committment is to DS. He stays here when it suits him and not otherwise.

Now - two years after the breakdown I am beginning to feel more settled and more like getting out there to meet people again. So far I haven't met anyone but have chatted to one or two men over the internet. Nothing heavy - just chit-chat.

It's all left me feeling like I need to draw a line under this marriage and move on. Likewise I feel that DH needs that opportunity too.

I am anxious though as I feel the fallout with DH and his family will be dreadful.
I will never stop them seeing DS but I need a life again and I don't need this man anymore who brings me down.

I would really rather not go to Wales for Xmas but feel under pressure to do so as my MIL is looking forward to seeing DS (her only grandchild). My Mum states that "it was her choice to move away to bloody Wales when her only grandson was up the road" but I suspect my Mum is bitter about a lot of things to do with my DG.
I can't get out of the Wales trip but need to make the break as soon as possible afterwards.

Apparently DH has bought me loads of Lush stuff and other gifts for Xmas which will make it all the harder. But it's all too little and too late.

... sorry that was long. Lots of extra details I missed as well but all crap behaviour from him.

There will never be a right time. Just do it now. Take a stand and get it over with. Tell him to stuff the Lush stuff where the sun don't shone and DO NOT EVER let him stay at yours again.

Cry off the Wales trip due to "illness" and do Christmas your way. Then give yourself the lovely Christmas present of some nice crisp divorce papers.

Seriously - you have done the hard stuff - you don't live together and if you read the threads on here you will see that it's the physical separation that people find so hard to contemplate. You have done that -now all you need to do is serve the papers.

YOu do need to move on, JP.

In some ways I think you have made this way too easy for your H. He needs to step up to his responsibilities now and make proper arrangements to have regular contact with his son.

If he can;t / won;t, it's not your fault. Similarly it is not your fault if his family make things hard for you.

I think you ought to arrnage a time to discuss this properly with him and make it quite clear - yes perhaps after Xmas. There probably will be fallout, because he will suddenly realize you mean business, and he won;t like it. But you sound pretty strong, and that you can ride it out.

Thanks for the replies.

CommeMoi - I have made it too easy for him (something my mother says too). And while doing the deed before Xmas is tempting I'd feel it was too mean of me. He is going to be upset and angry (believe it or not).

I am tempted by the "too ill to go to Wales" idea though. I will be pretty broke this month once all is paid for - putting vast amounts of petrol in the car might be too difficult in any case.

I also owe DH £120 as he paid the balance for DS's birthday party. It cost a total of £220 and I paid a £60 deposit in the summer. DH paid the balance of £160 yesterday but said "just give me £120 back" so that I have at least contributed. Yeah - I paid £180 and he paid £40. A contribution indeed!

I'm in agreement with MrsBoogie, I definately think you ought to ditch the MIL's Christmas trip. Tell them now, tell them that you'd rather be at home, bollocks to it, do things your way and have a lovely time with your DS and your family and if you need an excuse just tell your MIL that you really cannot afford the petrol.

Your DH seems to have a very easy time of it although I completely understand that you do it that way for your DS. I would be exactly the same, they come first and whatever it takes.

Thanks oliviasmama. I think the fallout from this all is going to be huge. It's partly my fault that DH has had such an easy ride of it.... and he's also a classic "bury your head in the sand" person who can't and won't see that our marriage is over. For this reason I need to draw a line under it. I don't need him staying at my home. I also need him to make definite contact arrangements for DS - preferably where he collects DS away from the home and doesn't try to wriggle his way back in.

I feel stronger than I have done for a long time.

I agree don´t go to MILs.
Can she visit you at all?

JP, great that you are feeling strong now. You can do this!
I would also encourage making excuses not to go to MIL's, that's the last thing you need right now, and if you can't even afford it, so much the better. Are you trying to keep MIL on your side by going there with DS as a peace offering? Because I can say from experience, most MIL's will side with their son if you divorce/split up, no matter how well you get on with them or how easy you make it for them to see their grandchild. You may as well cut your losses, have a peaceful Christmas with DS and recharge ready for the challenge in January.

Thanks all - no it's not a peace offering going to MILs cheerfulvicky - just an acknowledgement of the fact that she hasn't seen DS for a good while and is looking forward to it. They both share the same birthday as well this coming Sunday so of course she has birthday gifts for him which she is dying to pass on.

I know she will side with her son - tbh I don't expect her to go any other way. Even though she knows about the chat lines (my Dad exploded and told her when she rang them to say how dreadful I was for leaving her DS). At the end of the day he is her son and she will forgive him anything.

I am so tempted to do the deed before Xmas but I know he is going to be heartbroken believe it or not and I just can't do that to him at Xmas. I will have a chat with him very soon after though.