So Where Do I Go From Here ?

[47doublechins]

I've been with DH for 24 years, 18 married. We have on DC, aged 10. I'm 47 next week.

This is my first post; sorry for just launching....

My husband doesn't have sex with me and never has; maybe once every 2/3 months.

This has never been enough for me; and I've always challenged it; but I've always had "legitimate" reasons in response. They're the same reason now; as they were always... tired, work,......

We went away together(just the two of us) last month and had sex for the first time since August.We got on well; both agreed wanted to get away more (just the two of us) etc. I told him that I had enough of his excuses and was fed up of being his "marital" whore. I wanted sex at least once a week.

Six weeks later; no sex, no effort. I tried to keep the "regime" on line and seduced him. He came twice and went to sleep without any penetrive sex from my end.

I've now said that our sex life is finished. I've said I will no longer have sex with Him. He's bought me Lisa Charmelle for my birthday. I said "Take it back; it's a waste". He tried to discuss it in front of our child today. I cut it short and said I wouldn't discuss it now.

He said we'd discuss it later when small child is in bed. I know what he'll do. He'll fall asleep and no issue will be discussed.

I'm just fed up and most definately menopausal; feeling very sad and pissed off (oh and pissed; I've sunk a bottle of wine whilst I've mulled this over)

For 24 years he's managed the situation perfectly well by evasion etc. Why would he change now when he is happy with the situation?

Counselling I think.

(Had to google Lisa Charmelle - how sad is that)

I hope someone with constructive comment / similar experience will step forward soon to answer your post.
I wondered whether he might have deeper reasons not to want to have sex than the ones he uses?
How would he take the ultimatum of going to see a therapist / specialist?

I don't know how he would feel about counselling etc.

I feel it's about health (long story); and about togesterone levels (sp). I'm out of talking. I've tried to talk to him so many times about it.

I'm 47 and facing a sexless future.

I had to give the ultimatum because I just feel so unloved and occasionally sexually used. I can't emotionally cope with that anymore.I need to draw a halt.

We have brilliant sex when it happens. I "give my all" (he's my 2nd sexual partner); and he taught me how to enjoy sex; but I just feel used.

Does he actually get erections whilst he is asleep for example ? If he does then that would suggest there is no physical or medical problem and therefore a psychological one or just doesn't won't too and counselling/therapy is probably the only way forward.

I have a friend who has left he DH twice because they have a "brother/sister" relationship. They are trying to make a go of it again (she is about the same age as you BTW) and she has insisted they go to Relate this time as she wants a "proper" marriage.

He doesn't think you're serious imho.

You said you wanted sex once a week, then you wait six weeks? He sees what you say as empty threats I think.

He doesn't seem very interested in your sexual needs, I think in your position I would have got him very aroused and then got up and walked away, with a comment of "now you know how it feels to be frustrated". I can't believe he'd actually let you make him come and then give you nothing, that's incredibly selfish ( and a bit weird actually).

He should have his testosterone levels checked, but what about his general health and fitness, work stress is a big libido killer too.

Apart from anything else, regular sex/ejaculation is essential for his health, especially at his age, it protects against prostate cancer, 2-3 times a week is seen as healthy in men over 40. Older men who have a good sex life have far healthier prostates, not to mention blood pressure and general health. At the end of the day, sex is good for you!
I feel like a broken record but I can recommend Ginseng, it helps with stress and it helps with libido.

Abnormally low libido must have a cause, whether it's physical or psychological.

Oh where to start.

He's died on me twice in our marriage.

He has a bad heart condition (diagnosed 10 years ago ). His Dad had Prostrate cancer (but didn't die of it).

He has nothing manly about him (testosterone.. thanks for the spelling). He's stick thin, no chest hair;very little beard. He was a very prem baby (over 40 years ago; when there was little knowledge).

He was/Is my soul mate in every way apart from sex.

8 weeks ago I asked him to get his hormones checked out as I was fed up sexually. He said he would.... but he didn't.

I cut out an article from the Sunday Times re testosterone last week; and yet again he's done bugger all.

That's why I've called a halt.

I'm feeling fat, menopausal, and I've sprouted hairs on my chin.

I am no longer going to feel "grateful" for sex.
I've withdrawn it totally so I can think about what I want.

47 - Do ensure he gets to the doctor and gets his hormone levels tested. Lack of interest in sex coupled with the other physical syntoms you mention could indicate a Prolactinoma - a pituitary malfunction - if it remains untreated it can cause blindness as the bit of the pituitary that is malfunctioning presses against the optic nerve. If you leave it untreated there are immune system difficulties and a risk of osteoparosis too - please urge him to get checked out - it is quite common but very easy to treat.