Piggy in the middle in a family rift - what would you do?

[Sidge]

I have a very complicated and messed up family. For some reason unknown to me my brother has fallen out with my mum and won't tell her where he lives or talk to her. My mum seems generally clueless as to why this is and thinks he might be avoiding her because he owes her money (quite a bit).

I seem to be caught in the middle with mum asking me why he won't speak to her and him telling me not to tell her where he is. I've told them both that I have no idea what's going on and that I can't take sides but it's increasingly difficult. Last night I had mum in floods of tears saying it's like being sent to prison for something you don't know you've done. She does my head in a lot of the time but I can see how hurt she is and don't know what to do.

Do I give her his address so she can at least send him a Christmas card? Or his number so she can phone him? Or do I just keep asking him to just give her a ring? (I've asked him many times but he's a grown man and I can't force him to, also we don't even live in the same county.)

Any gentle words of wisdom gratefully received - I feel torn in all ways at the moment.

Take nothing to do with it, you will only come out as being the bad one. Tell them both that you are in a very awkward position and that they need to sort it out themselves. That is the sensible thing to do.

However, if it was me (and I'm sometimes not that sensible), Id say to brother "If you don't tell me (or mum) why you have fell out with mum I am going to give her your phone number because I am pig sick of being stuck in the middle of this. If you're going to all the trouble of falling out with her, then she at least deserves to know why" or something like that.

Why won't your brother tell you his reason for not talking to her? I find that very strange.

Oh you poor thing, you're stuck between a rock and a hard place.

Honestly, I don't think that giving his address is a good idea. I understand why you think you should but I think you need to be clear to them both that you will not be choosing sides and for that reason can't go there with either of them. I think your last word to your brother needs to be that you want him to get in touch or for him to allow you to pass on his details. If he says no then you tell your Mum that and let her know that you have to respect his wishes on the matter.

I'm in a similar position with my Mum and brother where I know things that she doesn't and it's putting me in a really difficult position but I have to respect both of their wishes. In my case this means not passing on information to my Mum. it's so hard though, I wish you all the best.

How difficult for you.

You should stay out of it. The very most you can offer your mum is to pass on a card or a letter. Don't give her his address or phone number.

If your mum wants to send him a card or write a letter, she could send it to you and you can send it on.
I know how hard it is being in the middle

Thank you all for your kind words

I have managed to stay out of it with relative ease as we all live far from each other. I think it is harder now as this weekend is the first time I have seen my mum in ages and I could see first hand (as opposed to on the phone) just how upset she is.

I've told mum I can't give her his address as he's asked me not to, which she seemed to accept but then when she was sat there sobbing I found myself thinking maybe I should just give it to her, but I know I shouldn't. I guess I wanted some other opinions from all you MNers to give me some perspective!

I just feel like such a hard hearted cow not telling her but then I want to bounce his head off a hard surface for putting me in this position.

Squeezin that's the sort of thing I was wondering if I ought to say to him, so far I've tried to be neutral but I'm getting cross now and feel like putting him on the spot. I don't know what it's all about but I'm inclined to think it's about the money, he has always tended to avoid issues like that.

Thanks again, I guess I shall continue to sit tight and try not to feel like the baddie in this as it's not my problem/fault but it's hard being torn.

Sidge,

I would sit tight and have nothing to do with the argument between your Mum and her son. This is their issue, not yours to carry responsibility for. You will somehow get blamed if you do. Infact they have both put you in this awkward position because both are encouraging you to take up a position.

If your brother owes your Mum a lot of money she must have given it to him in the first place. Why did she do so, why did she herself enable this to happen?. Enabling people with money does neither them nor the receiver any favours. These sorts of family problems are never solely the fault of one person.

Attila, you speak much sense! I think logically I totally understand that this is not my problem but unfortunately emotions get in the way and I feel somehow responsible for her sadness. Which rationally I know I am not.

I am the eldest, and the only daughter so I somehow seem to default into the peacemaker and responsible role. It's very draining in a family where we are so fragmented and there's only 4 of us (me, mum and 2 brothers), it's all so much more intense. I wish I had a straightforward uncomplicated family.

I really appreciate all your opinions, it makes me feel less guilty and helps me to see the situation a little more objectively.

as others have said if you get involved - it will be you they both blame!!

tell both your brother and your mum that you want then to both make up

Atilla speaks sense

PS: there is no such thing as a straightforward, uncomplicated family so take heart in that fact.

There is no way to keep everyone happy here so you just have to look after yourself.

I am also in the middle of a major problem between my mum and my brother and it's so hard because I have my own feelings on the matter, but I'm having to stay neutral.

My own advice to myself would be to stay in the middle without being piggy in the middle IYSWIM, because as soon as you say something that can be miscontrued, they'll pounce and you'll feel awful.

Do you have someone else that you can vent to? My DH and best friend have been great luckily.

I feel sorry for your mum as it must be terrible for your child to cut you off without telling you why. I think it would be fine for you to pass a letter from your mum to your brother. That would show your mum that you are trying to help.

I'd also ask my brother what the rift is about. It seems quite bizarre for nobody to actually know.