How will Relate help? Feel so lost.

[Scorps]

Start off from the beginning... I am 25, DH is 27, we have 3dc (7, 5, 19 months) and I'm 38 weeks pregnant. We have been married very nearly two years and together for nearly 7 years.

We have had the worst year - a mc in Feb, a new pregnancy straight away, DH kissed another woman (well she was 19), the usual work/life strains everyone else has... etc.

DH kissed another woman in July(i was 15 weeks with dc4); i discovered this in August. He didn't stay here for a few days but i asked him to return, and he did. It hurt like nothing else on earth. Since then, i now know i have been hard to live with - kept him on a very thight rein, wouldn't kiss him, i was affectionate less and used to hassle him if he was minutes late from gym etc . All of this was kind of a self preservation thing. I was wrong though, and i refused to wear my wedding rings, and he would say he loved me and i wouldn't reply. He would ask for me to be different, but i thought i was already trying iyswim.

Fast forward to 2 weeks ago; everything seemed normal. We watched Xfactor with an indian, had sex, cuddled up etc. All seemed ok.

Then on the tuesday, he was very off and i asked him what was oging on. He said he was off for a break. He left me with the dc and my big bump for 11 days. We had minimal contact but he saw the dc and gave me money (he would never leave the kids or me poor oyswim).

Yesterday i was in the hairdressers and he text asking to talk. When he came here he was in such a state, rocking, thin, sad . He said he wanted to do the right thing, but didn't think he loved me anymore. He asked what i wanted, what i thought was the right thing. I said i felt like the marriage hadn't been tried, we hadnt tried counselling, etc. He did at one point say (through tears) he felt like he was 'giving in', but then said Xmas and our new baby would be 'nice'. Neither of us has coped with him being away and the dc certainly haven't. I have lost nearly a stone, as has he.

So, he stayed last night, hasn't touched me and has basically kept his distance. All i want to do is make it better and love him, now i realise what i did before.

We have decided to attend Relate ASAP, i left them a message today. Will they fix it? . I can't bear the thought of life without him, you know. I want a chance to make it better; surely he can't fall out of love just like that? Maybe he is confused? He is definitely depressed and is going to the GP on Monday.

I want to save this and just don't know how. I physically ache for a cuddle from him.

Please help me with what to do?

.

Is time really the answer?

Hello, I'm off out but didn't want your post to go unanswered. I was in your shoes once and actually tried to kill myself when my partner of ten years left me. It hurts like the worst pain in the world and I am so sorry for you. I can't say if he will come back or not(only he knows and he probably doesn't even know himself). If he has agreed to go to relate then that;'s a good sign. If it was truly over then he wouldn't be making any effort at all(mine wouldn't). Give him space and don't mither him. Be pleasant (not clingy) and keep yourself as busy as possible (mentally).

i can promise you that you will not be this sad forever no matter what happens. You have been together since you were very young. It may be that he is wondering what it would be like to be young and single. Sometimes the best thing is to let them experience that (ie let him go and experience the crap side of being alone). Don't beg him to love you. If he does, he does, if he doesn't then clinging round him will only make it worse. Hope this helps (not sure but I wish someone had told me this stuff when I was degrading myslelf trying to get someone back who clearly didn't love me anymore)Good luck xx

Yes we both thought Relate was worth pursuing, in some conversations he seems like he wants it to work, and others he says things like he feels like hes 'giving in' and it 'won't work anyway'.

I have been pleasant and caring of him, when all i want to do is wrap him up and love him

Well we have had a cuddle and I told him I miss him. He said he has come back to try but has to be honest, and I know how he feels (he said he didn't love me). I said we have to go to counselling with same objective and he agreed, said he wants to make an effort.

I want him to love me, surely he can't truly not love me? 2 weeks ago he did.

Is time the healer in this?

If he is depressed that is almost certainly a factor in his confusion re: your relationship and his feelings for you. Going to the GP is a very sensible move. Not sure if relate is advisable if he is depressed...might make him more confused and overwhelm him. My husband also kissed another woman..three years ago and I became very depressed. I work in the mental health sector and my collegues advised me against relate for the reasons I outlined above. In our case time was the healer..it took me two years to fully put it out of my mind and to trust him again...however it took a lot of work on both our parts to move on..but it is doable. I wish you all the luck in the world...look after yourself and your little one.

But what are his reasons for saying it won't work specifically? He mentioned something about you having at go at him about getting home a few minutes late and not wearing your wedding ring. Can i just say, though that those things are unlikely to be the real reason, and it's not your fault IYSWIM. Please don't get into the vicious cycle of thinking that if you do everything 'better' he'll stay. It's probably not really all about you. You have had children and a MC at a relatively early age, so that's bound to place a strain on you both. Still, no matter what the reason, please realise that when it all boils down to it, if he ups and leaves you and your DC he will be displaying immaturity and selfishness.

I am so for you as I have been there. When the only man i loved told me we were not going to 'work' the pain was like nothing on earth. Nothing. I didn't think any physical pain could have matched it, but i realise now that I have a right to be loved for myself. Don't waste your life trying to earn his love if he chooses to go. He will only pull away from you more. Relate can be helpful and it is a positive choice. This may just be a particulary difficult patch.

I hope it all works out for you both.

Scorps, I remember you from the threads earlier in the year when all our DHs seemed to be leaving us all with young DCs .

Go to Relate and make sure your DH goes to the GP. Men are very poor at looking after themselves. You are young and you have a lot of young children and our therapist said this in itself was enough to put an enormous strain on the most stable of relationships without any other problems.

The answer is to keep talking and not to expect too much from each other - patience and tolerance was her mantra. He does need to understand why he feels the need to kiss etc with OW - what need is that fulfilling in him etc.

TBA it sounds that he is not coping with the responsibility of it all (not much help for you as you have to cope whatever).

We did about 4 months at Relate and it helped us to communicate better, understand why we both behave the way we etc. Our marriage is an ongoing work in progress and we both felt it was the right path to go down for our DC. The pain of the OW does become less over time.

Good luck.