playground behaviour in groups as you get older

[upsetperson]

Has anyone got any experience of this? A group I used to be close to when at university was quite catty. I was extremely hurt when my best mate "went off" with someone who had asked me to be introduced to the group as she had no friends. We were 19, still teenagers I guess so it was teenage behaviour.

Over the years we have had our ups and downs but every time I feel I am "breaking free" from the group, they will try to suck me back in.

I have had a shit few years and this group were not around to support me - now that things are ok they are back in contact.

I really thought that they might have grown up a bit by now and have responded to them in good grace but now feel really upset with lots of painful memories flooding back.

But they are still doing that thing of making sure I know they have been meeting up without me.
I have had enough. I can't be doing with friends that make me feel bad about myself. It still reminds me of being left with no friends and it is hard to be friends with someone who I feel betrayed me (at that young age it hurt me so badly).

Friends I have made since, don't come with that whole group baggage. How can I stop myself being sucked back in to old patterns or stop myself from being hurt so badly?

Has anyone else ever been in a situation where a group of friends who really hurt you, never quite let you go? I feel it is because the group has typecast us in roles and needs me to function, I think they all feel better about themselves by seeing me standing on the sidelines.

To anyone who has read this far well done, I don't know if I am making sense as am so upset. Well I was, but having typed this out feel a bit better

x

Just to add, am not possessive about friendships now I am older, but back then we were barely out of school so it was all younger in outlook.

this group you are in sounds rely toxic - or atthe very least it's not doing your self esteem any good at all. You need to cut all contact with them IMO. My advice is to politely decline all invitations saying you are too busy. They'll get the message and leave you alone eventually.

Please do not allow this group's dynamics dictate how you feel about yourself. I have always been on the social sidelines of the group of colleagues I work most closely with but I remind myself every day that my family and my true friends (few but worthy as they are) certainly do not sideline me. To them I am someone central and important.

upsetperson I feel for you, do you get any enjoyment at all out of seeing this group? Could you step away from them or only see individuals on their own? Personally I'm not keen on groups of friends, preferring people I see on a one to one basis. I do have one group of friends and it is usually good when we get together, but sometimes I feel as if I can't tell one of them something without having to tell the whole group, or arrange to see one of them on their own. It does sound as if some of your group are quite bitchy, is there one person who seems to 'control' the group?

Haven't seen them for ages - one person not for 5 years, another 2 years ago, another today for the first time in 3 years.
THe main controlling person has made sure to be texting me recently talking about she is meeting up with other members of the group and other people not even in the group.
The person who I saw today was also dropping into conversation how they had been seeing eachother without me (my ex BF).

I probably sound very confused. We live in different towns all over the country now. I just don't understand why they are letting me know they are getting together without me.

I think I need to not get hooked back into the game that is being played here. (I don't know what that game is but there is a game going on).
We are now years on from when we first met, I have a completely different life now, am building new friendships, have worked out who the old ones are that are worth their sale.
Am happy to be friends but no game playing. I thought they might have matured but does not seem that they have. Just because they have not does not mean I cannot act maturely. Not 12 anymore (or 19)

I know what you mean. Not in a group situation, but one of the mums I know used to do this to me. Be friendly, not be friendly, ignore me, flatter me, ignore me ... etc etc. I think I was useful to her at times and simply came in handy. I kept friendly because our children were friendly but as soon as they had started school together and started to meet their class mates, I withdrew completely and could see the confusion. Great actually - having been a puppet on a string for so long. Now we acknowledge each other but I enjoy not having her as a 'friend' in my life.

I meant to ask if you could take control of the situation by turning down an opportunity to meet up (reserve yourself a table at a really nice restaurant with a 'proper' friend instead), or simply not returning texts. These days I tend to treat people that I am unsure about according to how they treated me the last time I saw them/heard from them. That soon sorts out who is genuine.

Well have had a chance to have a sleep and will just let things lie. I think I am reacting to memories of old hurts from years back that I never really dealt with. And I think I should spend some time today calling up the friends I met before uni and after, who are nice people!

x