Ok, start again, I want to message DP's ex

[Sickoflies]

Sorry about this, please be kind. I'm feeling sensitive.

I've just found out that my DP has lied to me AGAIN. I'm so sick of it and depressed. I would really like to speak to his ex, maybe she could shed some light on his behaviour and confirm to me that I'm not going crazy.

I can access her through facebook. I don't want to mess around pretending I'm someone I'm not. I just want to be completely upfront with her and send her a friendly message.

We've never met and as far as I know, we have nothing against each other. She is due to come down at christmas to see her daughter so we'll meet then anyway.

I'm just wondering if I could use that as an excuse to message her.

I just want to strike up a convo with her. Please, please help me. What on earth do I say? "hi, I'm shagging your ex, how you doing?" :-(

I know you'll all tell me not to but can anyone see why I want to?

I can understand it. I'd wait until you meet, and then if you still want to contact her after that, she'll at least know who you are.

I think she'll either be keen to spill the beans, or want nothing to do with you, and you need to make sure you can handle it either way.

Tbh I think the writing's on the wall for your relationship simply because you feel so strongly that you want to do this - you need to trust your instincts, you don't need someone else to confirm what you know.

What do I say though?

Would this be ok?

"Hi, hope you don't mind me messaging you, I'm (lying bastards) girlfriend. I saw you were on facebook and thought it might be a good idea to break the ice? :-) "

Or is that shit?

No, I think it's fine as an opener. Keep it light and see if you get a response. But if you don't get a response then I'd leave it well alone.

Also be very aware that anything you write could be stored and used against you. Don't slag your DP off unless you're happy for him to see it!! This could be the opportunity a vengeful ex has been waiting for!!

ok I've done it :-( now I feel all sad and pathetic. Even more so if she doesn't reply.

I've just kept it very brief and friendly.

I did this sort of thing recently, only he was my ex and am going through the family court with him. I sent her a message on Friends Reunited as I didn't find her on FB. She was very helpful, more than I'd anticipated as I expected her to tell me to piss off. She was very friendly and understanding and is prepared to come to court if I need her to in the future.
So all in all it was a good experience for me, hope you gt the outcome you want

Reality, I'm stuck. I have nowhere to go. I'm not trolling.

Oh, and she's not replied :-( she is online however. So now she'll probably text him and let him know what a bunny boiler I am and he'll come home and fly off the handle and I'll look ridiculous.

Thank you.

I am saving a deposit but I keep trying to make it work and I'm stuck between facing the fact that I fucked up yet again or ignoring the fact and carrying on.

The council are impossible and as I'm not working, I can't rent privately either. Finding work is also impossible at the moment :-(

Don't hold any delusions that she won't tell him. You don't know her and don't know what she is like. Do not say anything you would not want to be repeated.

Ok, she's replied. She's been very nice and wants to know what I'd like to talk about to break the ice. I have no idea what to say now. I was going to tell her I saw her daughters concert at school last night but she might be pissed off that she wasn't invited (not my doing).

Unfortunately I have nobody to act as a guarantor :-(

she left DP and went to live with her boyfriend in his parents house. Apparantly they agreed he could keep DSD as long as he agreed to unreasonable behaviour on the divorce.

well she's just told me she has been expecting me to contact her. Not sure what she means by that.

I just want to ask her outright everything I need to know but DP will be home at 3.30 and I have to pick the kids up from school.

I almost gave her my mobile number but maybe that is going too far.

On another note, I've just been searching the filing cabinet and all the debt letters have disapeared completely.

err, what she means by that is what she has to tell you ain't gonna be pretty!

Just ask - like Ruby says, women love giving advice!

Sounds like she wants you to ask and has something to share. But agree that she doesn't exactly sound saintly herself so take anything with a pinch of salt.

And please please remember she could do anything with this info.. would you want to see your words appear on her FB page, if not, don't write it..

any update? am v curious how this turned out!

Yeaqh, OP, go easy on anything you do write, you never know how it can be used... does she live close? a meet would be a better idea...

Well, it is difficult, I would avoid direct questions. Probably ask something like "is there anything you think I should know? or "i do wonder if you have a bad time with the same things I do?" and let her talk.

Exh's ex (the one just after me) who I had met when they were together, met with me one day after they finished and at a time she was really fed up with his behaviour. It was quite enlightening, I came out of the place feeling sick, but in a strange way also reassured that I was not crazy, that all those years I suspected, doubted, was sure, then wasn't that there was really something very wrong with my ex, I was right.