What's a good enough relationship?

[breadandbutter]

There is so much on here about what makes a good enough marriage or long term relationship.

What about if you get on well, do not really argue, have a good partnership with children who are doing well and all the other things.

But - there is a lack of passion and you don't really feel any romantic or sexual feelings towards other half. In other words, the relationship is based on friendship. The fancying/romantic element has gone.

Stay in it for security, sake of children, keep the peace? Or go in search of passion?

(Have already read Madame Bovary and Anna Karenina).

I think it probably depends on what you are content to live with and how little you wish to disrupt your life. If you are content and do not feel very unhappy with your situation then maybe that's what works for you right now (although it may change later on as is true with everything).

If you are unhappy though then I don't think you should continue in a situation that is making you miserable or depressed.

One can always make attempts to reignite passion/romance etc. One thing that may make someone take a slightly different view is the "how would you feel if he was with someone else?" Does it make you want to keep him or do you not care? I always think that's the acid test.

Personally, I've had a very exciting life with loads of passion, love, heartbreak and drama. Frankly, I'd be very happy in a contented, warm, friendly and loving relationship without the emotional highs and lows.

As for Anna K and Madam B, I think I read them both too young but I would also say that when they were written things were very different. Try a bit of Erica Jong for a 70s view and some scary passions?!

Like the thread and thoughts and will be very interested to see what others say.

Having felt like this myself once, I understand it very well - but I'd also say, take action now because feeling the way you do, leaves you both very vulnerable to an affair. You might think you or he never would entertain such an idea, but it's a different matter when someone else comes along and jolts you into life - those passionate feelings are very addictive.

Most of us need passion and sex in our lives; otherwise it is a life full of responsibilities and to an extent, tedium. You might get advice here about taking up a cause you are passionate about, or developing new hobbies, but neither of these reproduce the intoxicating response to the promise of passionate, thrilling sex and the feelings of being "alive". It is why perfectly sane, good people engage in illicit relationships - and we are all vulnerable to them, but especially when we no longer fancy our long-term partner.

You probably don't need me to point out how destructive affairs are and so don't settle for the way things are with your partner. Shake things up and start with a painfully honest conversation about how you are feeling. Have a conversation about vulnerabilities for both of you - don't pretend that everything's fine and that you're above temptation.

It doesn't have to be this way and believe me, lust and passion can return to a long-term relationship, but in my experience it starts with an honest (sometimes painful) conversation.

What you are describing is not "good enough" and I suspect you don't think it is, hence your post.

Can someone please explain how lust and passion can return if you actively do NOT fancy your partner, in fact may be mildly repulsed by them? I know someone in this situation. Lovely husband and children. Does not fancy her husband AT ALL. Has sex to keep him happy

Not me, fortunately, honest!

Thanks - helpful answer especially the "disrupting life" bit. That is spot on - is it worth disrupting a reasonably tranquil life for what are quite selfish reasons.

I don't think it can return especially if it was not very strong in the first place. That still doesn't necessarily mean it is right to leave though. You might find passion but not the other stuff and then the relationship still wouldn't work anyway?

Agree it's trickier if it was never really there in the first place. Jasper, it all depends why your friend doesn't fancy her H. Resentment about unresolved issues, tiredness, parner's changed appearance or hygiene over the years, or his behaviour generally - all of these things are passion-killers. To re-invigorate, you need to see your partner in a new light. That's not going to happen unless the resentments are acted on and removed. Having sex to keep someone else happy means that your friend is ignoring her own sexual needs, or pretending that she doesn't have any - rarely is this the case.

If she's doing this, it means that she's not having an honest dialogue with her H. He no doubt sees her repulsion and contempt - dangerous ground that.

If sexual passion wasn't there to begin with and you realise you settled for something else and therefore made a bad decision - the only ethical options are to remain where you are and try to develop those feelings, leave and find passion elsewhere, or agree on an open relationship.

Breadandbutter - I really believe it depends what your priorities are. Before I had DD (2.3) my life was full of passion and romance and, to be honest, it should could be if I could be bothered (so sodding tired) but I always felt like there was something missing ie trust; the kind of love where you can totally rely on someone; not having to do everything for myself; sharing special days (ie Christmas). I still don't have those things but I do have my DD and she makes up for a lot of it. It's very hard to be on your own if you're not used to it. Having said that, I would never advocate staying in a relationship if you're unhappy. It destroys something essentially "you" and gradually erodes your confidence and self assurance.

Not really being very much help here!

Sorry, I meant to say my life still could be full of passion etc, not "should could be" - distracted by Spooks starting!

breadandbutter, you sound like me, this is my exact situation and I am coming to realise that, comfortable as things are, in 20 years when my kids have grown up and left home and have their own lives, I am going to be left in an empty relationship with all my chances gone, and I will regret it.

It is not good enough, so it needs fixing or discarding. You only get one life and it is not selfish to want that life to be happy, rich and fulfilled. The main thing is to try and achieve that with the minimum amount of hurt caused to other people.

Do not settle!

Madame Bovary and Anna Karenina? DOOM! Not sure that those books really reflect the kind of society we live in today.

I think that the only person who can know if it's enough is you.

If you feel that you need to leave, then you should leave - like LeQueen says, don't wait around for something better to come along. You never know how a new relationship is going to turn out, so my feeling is, if it's not enough, you have to be prepared to go it alone.