Can love overcome hardship even when you've frogotten what the love felt like.

[Happyneverafter]

I met my DH several years ago and we were, cringy as it sounds, soul mates. Even though I was young and my freinds were having a blast playing the field, I generally felt lucky. But we have been through the most tremendous shit together, chronic family illnesses of people we were closest to, terrible bereavements, severe financial worry almost leading to ruin,subsequent depressions, not to mention that real relationship killer - sleep deprivation and all with no support network behind us, just the two of us. And that is just a taster of the past few years.

Now we seem to have lost ourselves and play the who has it harder game. We can only speak in bitter tones and I miss the man I married. I know he is there under years of hard knocks and worry but I can't find him and I miss him. I still don't want anyone else. I just want him back and vice versa, he wants me back too.

Its just so sad as we both love each other but instead of supporting each other during difficult times, we fight.

Do you think it is just a bad phase in our lives and that we will get through it and be the connected couple we once were? Is it just a low stage of life we need to push through. If I can believe that that couple is still there, I will fight for it. But I just don't know what to believe anymore. I am really quite lonely. And I want my children to meet the amazing, kind, loving man I married and not the stroppy, aggressive-toned, exhausted man he has become.

I think I want to hear that this can happen in strong relationships and that couples do get through it because I love him but not sure I like him just now. God this post is a walking cliche but too tired to be especially eloquent.

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger...

That's what my DH is telling me over and over again. I'm hoping he's right.

If you both do love each other, and he clearly IS talking to you about this, then tbh, you are both on the right track.

Keep talking, keep telling him you love him, do some coupley stuff. If money's tight do something silly like an indoor picnic...

If you both want to get there, you will do. It might be shitty in the short term, but if you can find a way to say, Hey, talking like that isn't helping...

If one is angry, then they need to step back, think about things and then talk about it.

You both have had a lot to deal with, try to be kinder to yourselves first, and to each other. Try and find a way to do something nice for each other each day.

I could have written your post!! We too have had a hard couple of years and, while I feel like we're moving into a more settled time in our lives, I feel like the recent hard knocks are still taking their toll.
We're both accomplished at the 'who has it harder' game too... although I can see how destructive it is. No great advice from me unfortunately- I too would like the man I married back. I'm over living with someone grumpy, who hardly ever speaks to me with affection (unless he's after a bit of nooky!). I spose I'm just looking for a bit of advice from someone who has gone through this and come out the other side.

GroundHoHoHogs wrote "..try to be kinder to yourselves first, and to each other. Try and find a way to do something nice for each other each day."

Well said - if we all adopted that principle the world would be a much, much happier and better place!

Thank you for cheering me up so much.

Re the who has it harder game.
When he comes in from work let him have his grumble about how hard his day was etc, then pick your own time maybe later in the evening when all is calm to have your grumble, I seem to get a better response if i've listened sympathetically to his woes and it means we're both heard and feel somewhat listened to.
/
If you can if possibly get some time alone together, even for a walk, just some time out from the house/kids for an hour can calm a stressed brain and have time for some silly jokes, talking frivilous crap.

A spontanious (sp) cuddle/cup of tea/smile.