MIL's

[violet101]

Hi,
I've another long thread going on about gatting a divorce - but just wondered whether any of you who have been through one got in touch with MILs to explain the situation or did you just shut down communications on the basis that he's her son?

We used to get on well and she does know of some of his previous treatment but over the last 6 months we've barely spoken and there's a definate rift, tho I dont' know why. I'm now wondering if its H giving her his version of events. I always thought she'd be fair as her husband (H's Dad) was much the same and she left him for similar reasons.

My Mum isnt very supportive but is also elderly and his Mum and I have been quite close over the years. Its this that makes me want to email her, but I don't know if its inappropriate, unfair on her or whether she might appreciate knowing that I'd never stop her having contact with her grandchildren whom she adores (much more than my Mum!).

What do you think I should do? I know she has to support her son, I get that, I'll just be very sad if she doesn't realise all is not what it might seem.

You should definitely stay in touch with her as she is the grand mother of your children, at least to say that she doesn't have to pass through her son to see them and she can visit them as often as she wants (reasonably of course!). Your children migt not understand why they are not allowed to see their nan anymore it is unfair on them (and on her) if there is mutual adoration. Your divorce is between you and your husband, not your children and your husband familly.
But I am biased, I don't know your circumstances and my parents had a very freindly divorce

I don´t think it´s up to you to get in touch & explain tbh.

She knows her son & you & can surely tell if he´s telling her the truth about what happened.
She probably doesn´t want to hear bad things about her son,or to take sides, though.

And if she´s interested in her grandchildren, isn´t it up to her to make the effort to see them?

I think you should email her and reassure her that you would never stop her seeing the grandchildren and that you hope she's well etc, nice, chatty and kind, but don't get involved in the ins and outs of your relationship with her son.

Make it clear you want to preserve her relationship with her grandchildren and she andthey will thank you very much for that.

If you hear nothing then, at least you tried, and did the right thing

good luck

I had a similar situation where at times there was a rift and there were certainly some difficult conversations on the phone.
I found it very sad and sad for the DCs too.

We got through it I think because although it was difficult we have always kind of got on and both of us want her to have a good relationship with the DC's. I also tbh feel that she does understand (although we don't talk about it) that XP has been at fault here, given some of the things that have gone on. And in fact I seem to still talk to her more than he does (communication not being his thing).

Tips from me? I'd focus on trying to do what is best for the kids first of all and work on having a good relationship with her for that reason. You'll then be pushing at an open door as that's something you both want. I think you'll find that, if you do that, your own relationship with her may well sort itself out. I'd suggest you tread carefully when talking about her son. I got over this by (by chance) telling her some things that she didn't know about her son that I thought he had already shared with her. Through this, I think she came to realise that I am pretty honest and that, love him as she does, he wasn't able to be totally honest with her. In recent times, I've decided to just not discuss XH with her, that way we stay away from the awkward areas and focus on us and the kids (i.e. what matters!).

On a final note, I wouldn't necessarily force the relationship too much if she's not playing. Equally though, it may just be that underneath she'd like to end up staying friends with you and that if you call, she'll be relieved.

Thanks for all your replies. Many years ago I did tell her things that were going on but I havent in recent years because I realised it just wasn't fair on her.

I will take your wisdom and contact her but keep it fair and chirpy!

Thanks guys - know that today you really helped someone out! x