think i am being abusive to dh

[panni]

i need to stop what feels like me being emtionally abusive to my dh.

we recently had our 3rd baby, not that its relevent but jsut wanted to set the scene really.

I do love him very much but find myself screaming at him for the smallest things and swearing at him. last night i told him to fuck off and that i didn't want him here anymore.

There are things that he has done that get to me like twice getting my middle name mixed up with his first wife, and he is always late, even when i really need him to be home for something important.

These things don't justify my behaviour though, I just need to break this cycle.

anyone else every been through similar?

Was your behaviour like this before you had the new baby?

This could be hormones/PND or tiredness making your tolerance threshold go down.

I think you are right to be concerned and to recognise it's not an acceptable way for you to behave. Are you able to talk to your husband about how you are feeling and what needs to happen for things to change?

I wasn't like this at all before baby.

i can talk to dh but don't know where to begin really, and i'm very ashamed of how i've behave towards him.

If my DP got my name and his exW's confused, I would be seriously upset and take it as indication that he does not really know or care who he is living with. So I imagine that there might be more to this story than meets the eye...

Is your middle name similar to his ex wife's?
That would piss me off tbh.
If it is just since the baby you are feeling like this then you should see your GP or HV and ask for help.
Talk to him and apologise for being like this and ask for his support when you go for help.
IMO the fact that you know you are in the wrong and prepared to admit it can only be a good thing.

Start with an apology and ask him what he thinks is going on.

My tolerance levels go right down when I'm tired and I can be really spiteful.I understand that sense of shame completely.

You need to get this out in the open and start talking. If you both think this is baby related then consider GP/HV. How old is your baby, that first year is a real test of most relationships.

Don't be rough on yourself. I am sure there are some lovely people out there who would never tell their dh to fuck off, but I would say they were probably in the minority. It's not an ideal way to communicate with any other human being but you are angry or hormonal or whatever so cut yourself some slack.

Panni - I had a baby 8 weeks ago and for the first few weeks I was absolutely vile to DH. Much the same as you've described, however, things have turned a corner - I'm less knackered than I have been, feeling a lot better body-wise and started jogging last week which has been an absolute god send. Dealing with a toddler and a newborn has really sent my stress levels through the roof - work is an easy option compared to this some days!! I'm not suggesting that you have to go jogging to make things better but I have found this to be a fantastic stress relief - it also gives me 40 mins to myself where I'm not thinking about babies or nappies or feeds etc I am just focussed on getting one foot in front of the other - you need to take care of you as well as your kids, is there anything you enjoy doing which gives you time out whilst DH takes care of things, just for a short while. I'm sure he would find giving you time out preferable to regular arguments etc.

By the way, following being pregnant for most of the last 2.5 years I'm not in great shape so am jogging under the cover of darkness which helps!!!

Sorry I keep disapearing, baby is very unsettled today. My Baby is now 12 weeks old and is a lot easier than she was at first though.

I do think stress has something to do with it because I'm a lot worse when I have had a bad day with the DC. Sometimes I feel so stressed I get this pressure in my head and I feel faint. I know I'm sort of taking it all out on DH but on the other hand he does do things that upset me, although my reactions are often way over the top.

My middle name is the same as his ex wifes first name but her middle name is completley different to mine. He didn't even realise he had done it until I pointed it out to him, he was very sorry but it hurts my feelings a lot.

He has a habbit of lying about really stupid trivial things because he wants to "protect me" but its driving me crazy and I am starting to feel like i can't trust him.

I did have PND with the other 2 DC but don't feel depressed this time, infact I feel quite ok when DH isn't here. Its just when he is home I just feel this anger rising in me sometimes.

Thanks for the replys, thought I might get flamed but you have all being wonderully helpful!

Mamibabi, very impressed at your jogging!

Ha! So am I to be honest - not least because it is helping me be a far more reasonable individual!!!

Hope things get better for you soon!