Feeling stuck and helpless..(bit long!)

[feelingabithelpless]

I'm really sorry if i ramble on, long story. Just feel the need to get it out.

My ex-DP and i got together over 2 years ago. We'd known each other vaguely for about 5 yrs before that. I've had a few crappy relationships and sounds cheesy but i thought this one was different. We were inseparable and got engaged, i fell pregnant and we were both on cloud nine.

I supported him for months while he did unpaid work experience and eventually got the job he has now which is a good one.

I had Hyperemesis for the 1st 6 months of pregnancy and could barely look after myself, even hospitalised once, had to go long term sick from my job and eventually lost my job. Then i got SPD and had a bad birth (now permanently damaged! )

When DS was about 6 wks old i was still suffering. DP had some friends over and got so wasted he was being sick in bathroom and i tried to help and he pushed me and told me to fuck off. Then proceeded to vomit in our bed and yelled at me when i tried to help him. Refused to move, so DS and i had to sleep in spare room, me on floor while his friends carried on in lounge.

Next morning i told him what he'd done, thinking he would be mortified, but he just carried on with his friends, ignoring the fact that i was obviously upset.

I got my things together to go out as flat a tip, pukey bed and basically told him it better be clean when i got back, went for walk, got back and they were still carrying on.

I got overnight things and told him i was going, basically crying on the doorstep begging him to help me as no sleep, no where to go, 6wk baby. He said "What do you want me to do?" I said get rid of your friends and tidy up so we can come in and rest. He said "I can't do that". I told him he obviously didnt love me as much as i thought, and he said "yeah, well maybe i don't". SO i sat in the car in a lay by with DS til 8pm when he rang and said they'd gone.

Thought this would be isolated incident but other similar things happened, sometimes not for months, then a few in a short space of time. I know i am going on so won't go into them but seriously letting me down and out of order behaviour.

Last straw came 6months ago when he got wasted again after saying he was going for one drink after work and then dropping off the radar til he rolled in at 6am the next morning stinking of spirits saying he'd lost his phone and slept on a bench.

I couldn't accept that kind of behaviour for myself and certainly not for DS, i just had no way of knowing when it would happen again. Asked him to move out and he went surfing in the van for a wk when we were supposed to be going on family camping holiday Came back and said if i wasn't having a go at him all the time he wouldn't have to go out and get wasted. SO totally not taking any responsibility for his actions.

Basically since then he's been living in the van and at mates'..i have tried to work things out but find myself putting in all the effort. I have tried asking him if he wants to talk, being supportive, putting my foot down, pleading, everything.

Put DS first and want him to see his dad so he is round quite a lot which is hard. Has no where to take DS so has to come here.

I do everything for DS and felt like a single mum before any way doing 100% of shopping cooking cleaning bills childcare etc.

Since he's gone i feel calmer, happier and more relaxed (until he comes to see DS and we start bickering)

He says he still wants to be with me and be a family.

I thought we would get married and for me i wanted to spend the rest of my life with him and have his babies.

Thing is that i feel now that i just can't be nice to him. I know he didn't hit me or anything but i felt/feel so let down, undermined and destroyed by his behaviour that i find myself getting at him and generally can't say anything nice to him unless telling him about DS. I feel i have lost all respect for him. I'm terrified at a future where i will have to wave DS off to stay with his dad, only have alternate xmases, DS grow up like i did with parents that aren't together. But i can't put up with any crap either.

I feel like i've been in limbo for the last 6 months. I just don't know where to go from here. Anyone in/been in a similar situation?Does anyone have any wise words?

Thanks for reading if you got this far .

Hi there,

I'm really sorry for what you are and have been going through - and I'm afraid I don't have constructive advice...but Jaysus, sounds to me like its a case of good riddance to bad rubbish!!! Well done you for getting him out of the house at least!!

I'm sure the regular MN crew will be around shortly to give you their support...

No - don't put up with him. He has been really selfish. Mabe he finds fatherhood tough (boohoo-not). Sorry it has ended like this after such high expectations.

I know how you feel and it's not nice. I am still with my DH who is basically having his cake and eating it whilst I put in all the effort to try and salvage our relationship.
Behaviour like that can destroy your self esteem and you start feeling like you are just a mother and not a person in your own right.
Think back to how you were before he came along and focus on your own good points and what you have in your life that is good. Life is too short to be unhappy.
Hopefully one day your ex will grow up and realise how selfish he has been, by then he will realise what he has lost.
I hope you are able to move on and treat him purely as the father of your child but remove any other emotion towards him (good or bad!).

He sounds like an alcoholic, tbh. Did all (or most?) of the big betrayals involve alcohol to a large extent?

Wow, he sounds like a complete tosser and I know it's not helpful to say that but he is.

He has treated you no better than muck on the bottom of his shoe. People can make mistakes and be idiotic on the odd occasion but he takes the biscuit. Having children doesn't mean giving up on fun and having a social life, but he is taking it too far and has not adapted his behaviour. Spewing on your bed - that is effing disgusting!

I see it this way, he'd rather sleep in a van than become a responsible parent - simple as that. You are there for him and he can grab that any time he wants but he chooses not to.

You chasing him is wasted energy. I believe if someone really loves you, then they will almost walk over hot coals to be with you. In his position, his heart should be breaking, missing you, analysing his life....but no, he wants to sleep on sofas and get wasted.

He has never helped you - whilst you worked to support him. It's not fair and it's not right. You should continue to be independent, make a great life for you and your child and let him be the Saturday dad because it is quite obvious that he doesn't have the mettle or even deserve, to have a relationship with you.

I am so sorry that you went through this.

Believe me, you will be far better off without him. He sounds incredibly immature and selfish, his friends do not seem any better either, I mean who on earth would get it in their head to party in a house with a new mother and baby?

Please, please go to your GP and get referred for counselling. I think it will really help to talk to a professional about this.

sounds like a drink problem to me too.
have a look at AL ANON, see if you can get some support / advice for now.
if it is alcohol related behaviour ONLY, there could be some hope.
what do YOU want?

the fantasy of a happy family altogether jsut isnt going to happen with this man until he has a) grown up and faced responsibility b) dealt with his alcohol issues.

it will only happen if he wants it to.
dont let him in the door.

let him sort out his issues and create somewhere where he can take DS., in meantime it's a couple hours in soft play centre every saturday.

tough for him but is only way he might get his act together.

Thanks for your kind replies, was worrying i was going on a bit and it sounding trivial.

It does seem that he has a bit of a problem with alcohol, he can't seem to have just one or two. I've addressed this with him several times and he gets all huffy and says oh i won't have any at all then and acts like a martyr for a couple of weeks before carrying on as before. He doesn't drink every day though. Most of the out-of-order behaviour prob was drink-related..its just he turns into a complete selfish wanker.

I think i'm probably pretty over-sensitive. Not just the things he does but sometimes what he says..will never forget him saying that did i think it was because i used to go out partying when i was younger that i couldn't have DS 'properly' ie they had to break my waters, baby distressed, transfer to bigger hosp, contractions weak & too far apart so they basically did a large episiotomy and dragged him out..

Squeezin' - I know what you mean, he's hardly walking over hot coals is he...i've tried being romantic but get rejected. It's so painful. Sometimes there is a glimmer of how we used to be and we might get on for a bit and i think that is what keeps me stuck in this limbo..

Scodgie - So sorry to hear you are going through this. What is happening with your DH? It does totally destroy your self esteem doesn't it?

Cestlavie - i really want DS to see his dad though and ex really loves his son even though practical-wise he has no idea.

I'm dreading Xmas. Because van is old i'm driving everyone 3hrs away so they can see ex's family. Ex-MIL totally thinks the sun shines out of Ex's arse and makes it hard for me. this is what its going to be like though, isn't it? Waving DS off to hang out with people who think its all my fault.

I don't think he's a viable option as a partner, sorry. And his 'friends' sound positively sinister. What the hell were they thinking?

There are so many lovely, nice men in the world, please don't waste your life like this. There's a life out there for you, and a nice kind smiley easygoing helpful bloke with your number on him ;)
Have some hope, it does get better when you're on your own.
You deserve much better, and no, you're not over-sensitive. You're human, and you have feelings.
If you make the decision to be on your own, it only takes a year to totally sort yourself out. That year will go so quickly, and before you know it, you'll be flying. Life is so short, and there is so much out there for you and your little boy.

Please consider it as a possibility. And don't dread Christmas, see it as the positive time when you started to make some strong, brilliant decisions about what the rest of your life is going to be like.
x

You partying caused you to have a rough birth experience...?

Tell me you know that's crap? It had nothing to do with it! You being upset by that comment is not you being over-sensitive. In fact, I don't think you're being over-sensitive at all, anywhere.

Kudos to you for trying to make sure your son sees his father but you really should let this man go. I know it's hard to see when you love someone but, reading from the outside, it seriously looks like this chap took you for a bit of ride. You supported him whilst he faffed about but when you need help and support he's nowhere in sight.

Agree that there maybe issues with alcohol, and it is important that he sorts them out, for your son's sake, but he has to do that - you can't do it for him.

TBH, I think it's time you drew a line. He's behaving like a child, swanning around in his van and at his mates, not like a responsible adult. Is he working? Does he contribute to the costs of your son at all?

It's completely understandable that you're worried about the future and how all this will affect you son, but having parents apart has to be better than seeing his Dad in the states you describe, acting like a t**t and getting pissed. He's only a baby now, but how would you have explained that lovely incident to him at age four or five? It can be hurtful for a child when both parents are parents, iyswim, and the issue is only between the parents but when there's something like this bubbling along, I'm not wildly convinced that it's good for the kids to be exposed.

I'd certainly say enough of him coming to your house to see his son when it's convenient - schedule activities in public places on Saturdays and tell him to meet you. It's obviously causing you stress and doubt at the mo, and that's not fair to you. You ahve enough to cope with.

Also, I wouldn't worry about overnight stays and the like yet. That's completely off the cards until he has a stable home environment for you DS to stay in and, even then, you could probably fight it by citing your worries re alcohol etc.

If this really is a concern for you, start keeping a diary of events between the two of you.

And, fgs, don't be a taxi service for his family over Christmas. If he, or his relatives, want to see your DS, let them do the work. His mother will always seem to be doting on him (just as you will your DS) but how much does she really know about what's going on? Bear in mind, you don't know what she's saying to him when you're not around.

There are loads of lovely single men out there - you can and you will do better than this prat!