Any books on Men who Control?

[beakysmum]

Or websites? Any info gratefully received!

In particular, what makes a man more likely to be abusively controlling in a relationship?

I have been recommended 'The dance of anger' by my solicitor. Have not had chance to read it yet, but she says it helps us understand patterns of behaviour.
Its by Harriet Lerner.

Totally recommend the book, Why does he do that? by Lundy Bancroft - which is always being mentioned on here.

There's also one by Patricia Evans, The Verbally Abusive Man which is really useful

I don't know why some men are more prone to being controlling, I don't think there's necessarily a type - it spans class, race, age etc.

Key signs are the need to control their environments and the people around them, asserting their will in any way possible, belittling their partner, criticising and undermining them with verbal or physical abuse.

If you google emotional abuse, I'm sure a lot of info will come up.

Thanks ladies, will order the books.

Jane, I'm guessing you're divorcing a man who is is controlling? If so, did you initiate the divorce and what was the final straw that made you do it?

beaky, I'm also divorcing one if it helps. I eventually snapped when I realised he had no respect whatsoever for me, or care for my happiness. He was and is the most selfish individual I have ever met.

Once we agreed we were getting divorced, he went and filed against me(!) I would have filed for unreasonable behaviour, if I'd had the chance.

Are you ok?

Hi,
I'm another one divorcing a controlling husband! I put up with years of crap and it was a very insignificant moment that made me realise I couldnt' continue. I hadn't phrased my question properly - to which he took offence! I realised I couldn't spend the rest of my life having every bit of me picked over - what I had or hadn't done. So I went to work, picked up the phone and saw a solicitor later that day. I had angst'd all year about it and then I just flipped.

Am having a hard time but would never change my mind. When I told him I got 2 emails telling me how selfish I was, that it would destroy our children and that running 2 homes would be very expensive. There was never a word about 'us'.

Can't wait for the whole thing to go away. As long as I have the kids - the rest will just pan out..

Read and re-read... one day everything falls into place and you realise it isn't going to change... either you go with the flow and let it be water off a ducks back (I couldn't) or you get out!

p.s. exscuse the puns!

My controlling husband wishes now to divorce me - but he wants to do it using my petition which I raised two years ago (but did not continue) with to save himself some money. This is after years of being told that it does not SUIT HIM to get a divorce.

Beakysmum, Yes, you could say that.

I did initiate divorce and he actually looked shocked.

It was emotional and physical control/neglect over a long period of time.

There was no physical intimacy (he slept on the sofa for going on a year but blamed our 2 year old for visiting our bed too often)

The child didn't even have her own bed in the house at the end, so you can't blame her for that!

We didn't talk, he made me feel as if everything I did was the wrong thing, and in the end, after years of me almost begging him to spend time with me and kids at weekends, he told me the weekends were his time to relax.

You can't spell it out more clearly than that.

I gave up.

And soon after that I went to the solicitor.

There were many other things that made we want to get out...but I truly tried many times to make our family unit good.

I couldn't do that with him, but now I hope I can.
In effect, I had been a single parent for years, now id doesn't feel that different.

For me it was the GHD hair straightners.

I had't obeyed one of his demands so he was so angry with me he decided to break my GHDs.

That's the day I decided to visit the solicitor. It was sometimes at the end of October beginning November.

He does not want to divorce. He said he has changed.

Hi, thanks so much much everyone for sharing all this.

I am fine, thanks for asking, it is my cousin I am really worried about. I visited her a few weeks ago, having never been happy about her man and for the first time she was honest about how hard it is living with the control freak.

She did talk about divorcing him, but isn't quite "there" yet. Still talking about having hope and trying to make things work. You'd think after 10yrs marriage she would learn, but I knwo she's got to see things herself.

I'm trying to read up/ find out more, so I can understand / help her if she needs it.

makes me really angry the b***d moved her and the kids to USA away from her family and she has no friends out there. She seems to accept their relationship as normal somehow.

And any ideas on what makes a man controlling?

This thread was pivotal in me understanding how controlling my abusive partner was. If you can, I would encourage your cousin to read it.

What makes a man controlling? Sounds flippant, but becuase they can (and can get away with it). Tbh, don't focus on understanding him, I wasted seven years like that. Get selfish and, if needed, get out.

I believe my partner has a personality disorder and his behaviour was so bad that I spent a month in hospital this year with a stress-related collapse. It was being in hospital and seeing how other people inter-related that made me see how incredibly controlling he was. The list of things I couldn't do was endless and I would have been saying things like your cousin prior to that. I honestly had lost touch with what was reasonable and she may well have done the same after ten years.

Beakysmum have you heard of the freedom programme? It's a course all about why some men seek to control and dominate their partners. It looks at the different tactics used by abusive people to achieve and perpetuate that control, and also teaches about early warning signs to look out for in the beginning stages of a new relationship, in order to avoid getting involved with another abuser. It's a twelve week rolling programme, lots of womens aid groups run it, and childcare is often provided. You meet other women who have had similar experiences aswell.

Also in answer to your question of what makes some men controlling: I'm afraid the simple answer is because they want to. They feel they have the right to, their belief is that men should control women, and that women should be subordinate. I know this is difficult to accept. People feel much more comfortable blaming domestic abuse on things like alcoholism, unemployment, poverty and mental health issues, and while of course these can all be exacerbating factors, they are not the root cause. It takes an awful lot of guts to leave a controlling/abusive relationship so good on you! Concentrate on boosting your own confidence and esteem, and don't waste time trying to work him out. None of it was your fault or responsibility. It's HIS problem!

Insecurity I think it what makes them controlling. Some deal and accept it and some feel they have to over compensate - "see how great I am" - if they can convince you, then they might believe it themselves!

Women do take a long time to decide to leave - I think when you walk away you have to know that you tried everything else first. I (felt I) tried and tried but in the end he didn't really give a toss anyway. I realise now for him its been a marriage of convenience and I've been a mug!

Your cousin will get there, whent the time is right for her.

Yes dittany, I think you have hit the nail on the head.

Thanks all. This has been really helpful, especially the link to the thread on emotional abuse.

I just hope things come right for my cousin.
Thanks once again, good old Mumsnet!

Another recommendation here for Lundy Bancroft. Just bought it myself and it's a real eye opener.

Power and Control, by Sandra Horley. Read it. It will change your life. Good luck x