Ex poisoning my son against me for the sake of money

[GreatForest]

My ex (children's father) left 6 years ago. He see's the kids every other weekend, reluctantly and only because he "has to". He never phones them, never attends competitions, school assemblies or plays despite invites. He never takes them anywhere, lives right next door to a huge park and won't even take them there. When they stay at his place, he sits them in front of the TV in one room and makes them stay there all weekend whilst he plays on the computer in another room.

He tells them he has no money to buy them anything or take them anywhere yet next minute he's buying Alienware computers and 50" plasma tvs, playstation 3 and football season tickets.

Anyway, for the past few weeks, he's started showing an un-natural interest in the kids. Offering to have them more often and texting me about what they want for christmas etc.

Last weekend they came home from his house and my youngest was very quiet. Eventually my eldest told me that his dad was asking DS2 all sorts of things about me and how horrible I am to him, not letting him play on the xbox etc and he told him he doesn't have to live with me if he doesn't want to, he can live with him.

So in a nutshell, ex has been trying to poison my 8 year old against me in order to have him live with him.

On top of this, ex said to his girlfriend in ear-shot of DS1 "do you realise, if they come and live here, we'd be loaded. I wouldn't have to pay maintanance anymore, Greatforest would have to pay US and we'd get all the tax credits, child benefit, LHA and everything else!"

So basically, he only wants the kids there to make him money.

I'm fuming. He's never bothered with the kids all these years and not that he's seen £ signs he's realised a benefit of taking an interest.

I'm terrified I will lose the kids to him. He'll promise them all sorts to get their support then as soon as they're there they'll have a horrible life spent shoved in front of the TV.

Please advise me on what I can do? He doesn't know that I'm aware of his plans yet. Do I tell him or what?

oh what a horrid situation - i really dont think you need to worry too much just yet though - it may be his plan but he would need to go to court first. They are not so silly and will look into his background wrt to him seeing the children. Also you could get a child therapist to see ds as they know when things have been 'planted' in childrens minds.

He'd be on very weak ground indeed if he tried that on. You are the primary carer and you would have to do something really awful to get that reversed by a court. Which btw would cost an awful lot, wonder if he's thought of that.

And what a fool to think that children cost less to raise than he's paying in maintenance, even if he doesn't spend a penny more on them than he has to.

I wouldn't tell him you've rumbled him. Just be prepared to deprogramme the poor little mite when he comes home from his dad's, all confused by the mixed messages.

I must declare a personal interest in this subject, as XH tried it on with DS4 (the others being too old to get child benefit). I can forgive a number of trespasses against me which were probably the result of his interesting clutch of personality disorders, but the mind games he played with my precious child I don't even believe I should try to forgive.

Happy ending, DS4 is now living with me full time by his own choice, and although he sees his father fairly often, again by choice, he no longer believes a word the old bastard gentleman says.

how old are the dc?

The kids are 11 and 9.

The money issue makes me laugh. He gives me £140 a month.

So far this month I have spent:

£80 on DS's karate
£30 On DS's cubs
£18 on a coat for DS
£16 on a coat for DS
£11 on school trousers for DS

And this is before food, pocket money, bus fares, savings accounts etc

Of course, if the kids lived with him the karate and cubs would stop straight away, as would the pocket money and savings accounts so I guess he would get to pocket a lot of the money

How grim for you. But really don't bother worrying about losing the kids - he wouldn't get them unless you went on crack/the game/8ace.

No way does he give you enough maintenance, btw. It's pathetic.

I'd suggest you tell everyone what he's like and then forget about it.

Don't forget to ask for seriously expensive Xmas presents for both children, tho'.

reassure your dcs they get a say in this.

ignore him and just make it clear if this is what he wants he will have to take you to court. at that point you make it clear what dcs wishes are and get CAFCASs involved - no one is going to suggest big change in status quo unless a@ kids really want it and b) is in their best interests

Yes, ask for big Xmas presents for them and mention that it would be good if he chipped in towards the cubs and karate too Can't believe any court would take them from you and let them live with him. Chin up.

Courts aren't going to fall for this, not least because they'll ask your children's opinion and they'll hear the comment your partner said to his girlfriend.

Doesn't sound like your 11 year old is falling for it anyway.

Second that you should be asking for more money - and certainly the crimbo pressies.

In fact, since computers seem to be a 'thing' for him. Your eleven year old is probably getting to a stage where his own comp would be a useful pressie. What about a laptop or some such like?

ExH will balk, of course, but it might make him see sense.