Money,control,debt.

[iamanaddict]

Am looking for any advice or helpful words.
I have been married for more than 15 yrs and throughout t hat time DH has belittled me in subtle,and not so subtle,ways.
For some years I have been undergoing psychiatric treatment for depression and OCD.
My addictive personality has meant that I have run up debts over the years,which DH has sometimes paid off,for which i am grateful.
However he has always been controlling with money,despite earning a big salary in a very secure profession.
We have small mortgage,2 good pensions,savings.
However yet again I have overspent,I offer no excuses,bar the fact that I allowed short term pleasure from purchases to overcome my good sense.
I suppose it boosted my fragile self esteem.
DH's undermining of me is noticed by mutual friends,and I know at least one of his own friends finds him difficult.He had a financially insecure upbringing,ad a brief early marriage which I know has left its mark.
In all our years together he has complimented me only a couple of times,and the same with our children.
I do lovehim,he is not a bad man at all,but I feel I am apologising for my spending over and over,receiving treatment,but not confronting the other part of the problem,ie HIM.
can anyone help me at all,in any way?
Thanyou.

This sounds a bit mad...you husband has lots of money and could pay off your debts.

Yet you are only earning enough to pay the minimum amount on the debts and not enough to pay bills, so you put them on a card and run up even more debts.

Surely your DH needs to see your finances as joint...he seems to be treating you as a silly teenager who hasn't worked out how to spend and you are living up to the expectation by over-spending.

I would recommend you get one of Alvin Hall's books about finances for couples. His advice is excellent and he advocates couples looking at money from a joint perspective.

What is the point of your DH holding massive savings if you yorself are paying out horrendous amounts of interest on your credit cards? The amount of money you must be wasting as acouple by keeping unecessary debts is mind blowing.

I am not sure if your money spending is a response your DH is a tight wad OR you have always had a problem and DH copes with this by being a tight wad?

Either way it is doing neither of you nor your children any good in the long run.

I would seriously consider asking your DH to pay off your debts, cutting up your own credit cards, working out a monthly budget...what is "your" money used to pay for opposed to "his" money? Sit down and go through it...Alvin Hall gives examples of this in his books.

And stop feeling guilty...

I also agree with other posters who say if your DH earns a lot yet keeps you in debt DELIBERATELY so you can never be free or particularly happy then I think you should reconsider the statement "he is a good man" as I cannot see a lot of evidence for that right now.

Thanks Miggsie.
I suppose it is a bit of both,he keeps tight rein on money,so I have reacted by spending.And obviously vice versa.
I think he sees the 'savings' as his,wheras the debts are mine.Trouble is ,I have never been able to save anything,even before any debts,as I work part time and have 3 children.
He does see the money he earns as 'his'.
I never question his spending,he is not reckless at all,but he has a couple of expensive hobbies which I do not begrudge,plus he can afford it quite easily.He has no debts at all.
I hope I can make him see that thereis no point me paying interest on debt,whilst 'we' have money enough to clear them,still leaving plenty over plus he is due a largish payment in the New Year.
I would be more than happy to repay money to him,atm I am wallowing in high intereast debt repayment.
Please please don't anyone think that I am blase about it.
I know I am an addict,I have almost destroyed our marriage and myself.

hi darling I am sorry but I do agree with ginnybag, this issue is both yours , why would you beat yourself up for what happened years ago? why living tight when he can afford to clear the debts you contracted and give you an allowance ?I do not understand how someone can keep a saving account while his other half is paying huge interrests on debts ,you need to sit with him with a financial advisor but HE needs to go into it with the mind of a husband , the one who married you FOR BETTER OR FOR WORSE.
Am I the only one who has read the universal wedding vows or what?we are just going round this issue for ages and it does not seem that we are helping , you need to stand up and remind him those wedding vows , no holidays , no savings , no golf until you as a couple are FREE OF DEBT and I will tell you girlfriend do not sink , do not depress, put on your best outfit and talk to him about this , and do not bulge , he either decide to be your other half or you are better off without him , you only have one life , what happened is in the past , you need to make amends and stick to a steady pace regarding expenses and what you need for yourself to make you happy in a reasonnable way,he has the means ,so whoever tells you that YOU and you only needs to get out of this situation is not in your shoes , you either married or single , so you chose.
Your girls will thank you for giving them an idea of what marriage is all about .I do not think what I am telling you now ,I do beleive it

I agree with Maeggae, this is what marriage is all about...

What if the boot was on the other foot and he fell seriously ill (involving costly treatment), or became addicted to alcohol or gambling? In those circumstances, you would stand by him and help him as best you could financially surely.

I'm confused when you say "and I have three children?" Am I missing something here - aren't the children your joint responsibility - financially and otherwise???

Sorry Stillcounting,badly phrased,the children our ours.I suppose I meant I work part time so I am around for our children.
Yes,if it was the other way round of course I would help him.
I know it is no mitigation,but if I had had a little more money to live on over the years then i wouldn't have so much debt.
I have bought too much stuff I admit,but his income is more than 10 times mine.
I suppose we divided the bills along time ago into me paying food/petrol for my car,smaller weekly expenses,and him doing mortgage,utility bills,larger bills etc.
Please don't think I want to wriggle out of my responsibility for the debt,I don't at all.

No Reality,I am not she!
I know who you mean,I have followed those threads.
I do buy too much,but compared to income not that much,ifyswim.
i know my own problem,I like the buzz and the feelings tha tgo with shopping,or aquiring,clothes in particular,to make me feel better.
My dh not in the other poster's league.

Darling if you want to consider yourself an addict and sink into it and remind yourself of it and change your birth certificate , go ahead ,but I tell you what I have orgasms just looking at a pair of jimmy choo shoes or cacharel undies or a prada bag so if you think you are alone and it is a bad thing go ahead , the only problem is if our dh were giving us allowance to look after ourselves you would not be here , but READ through all your posters think of what you want know and where you are going not where you are

Oh sorry, totally misunderstood/mis-read the bit about your dc.

Dashing out now but just wanted to wish you well Iamanaddit. I hope you manage to meet your dh on equal ground somehow ... x

Thankyou so much Stillcounting,Maaeggee ansd everyone else for your advice.