Need to talk

[TinselinaBumsquash]

This is all going to sound like utter crap but please let me get it all out.

I have been with DP for 7 years now, when we got together i had just come out of a very abusive relationship that started when i was just 14, i was left with zero confidence, physical and mental scars.
I put dp through some pretty tough times as i was just so insecure i cried when he left me and needed him there all the time, i know now how unfair this was of me and im truly grateful that he stuck by me.

DP has a multitude of problems himself, he also has zero confidence after a childhood of abuse at the hands of his estranged mother.

I fell pregnant when i was 17 but i got attacked and i lost our twins, we decided to try to have another baby and DS1 came along after a horrific pregnancy and labour, he was later diagnosed with Cystic Fibrosis.

Since DS1 was born we had next to no sex life, this was because of me, i have no interest in sex at all, no urges or anything, but somehow we had DS2.

DP has developed a foul temper and a really bleak outlook on life as he has got older, the slightest mishap is a drama and any task that seems a bit daunting he turns into a nervous wreck, he is horrible to the kids his tone of voice is shocking, he wont play with them he says he feels stupid.
He had some counselling arranged by the GP after 6 sessions they said he was fine and signed him off.

We argue a fair amount mostly about sex and affection that i don't show him, i have never been affectionate even as a child, i don't know why,cuddling makes me feel really uncomfortable although im able to be affectionate to my kids and anyone who i feel protective and maternal over.

I decided a while ago after some CBT that i couldn't live my life to scared to do anything becuase of my confidence so i started doing little things to pput me out of my comfort zone and one of them was amature dramatics, i loved doing it as a teenager so i decided to go back, its amazing i can 100% relax there and i have made some really good friends, its a great escape from the hours of physiotherapy and medication i do for ds1 and its nice to do something for myself.

DP says every time i go there i become distant and he can see how different i am when im acting ect, i dont know why this is but this year its proving to be a real problem.
I know it must be hard for dp he is so intravert and shy he hasnt got any real friends and his only hobby is computers.

Anyway i have decided to enroll in a collage course soon and im really excited, dp isnt best pleased about this and my mother is making it worse claiming im going off the rails, this is partly because of wanting to go to collage and because i have been helping a teenage boy with a few issues hes been haivng thats all there is to it.

I don't know what to do i love dp but i feel suffocated by his problems, i feel guilty that i cant be the person he wants (sex wise) i have tried to do it anyway to get in the mood but i just cant do it.

We had a huge blow out argument at the weekend, i told him all of this that i have written down and said maybe it was best if we split up, he went to my mums and she promptly told the rest of my family i was having an affair with the teenage lad (which is ridiculous) and that im disgusting and a pervert ect ect.... She said i was hoping the grass would be greener if i was single and loads of other crap which i am not, im not a fool i have a fairly sensible head on my shoulders i just want whats best for my kids and it certainly isn't me and dp arguing all the time, i feel so guilty that i cant give him what he wants or help him with his problems.

We worked it out mainly by just acting like nothing happened although i made it clear to dp i wouldn't having speaking to our kids like crap and he has been great this past day or 2 but he had mentioned sex again and i feel all tense again now as i have said no and hes got all huffy and paranoid saying im distant and cold.

I dont know what to do, how to feel or how to help either of us, tbh. My mum says im depressed but im pretty happy and excited about everything else in my life at the moment and i know im not.

Its a relief to get it all out in the open.

So it sounds like you've had a really shitty time, but things are getting better? So that at least is positive. You sound like you've got your head screwed on and you are coping with the many adversities which have come your way. Keep at it!

Thanks, i have learnt a hell of a lot in my 22 yrs, im so confused about DP though, i dont know if our relationship can work with us being so different, is driving me insane.

None of us know whether our relationships will work out. I get on with my DH very well despite us having bugger all in common apart from the urchins. Sometimes it's about accepting your differences and trying to remember why you are together.

If you have any chance of being able to help and support your dp then you will need your hobbies and your college course. I confident, fulfilled you is more use to your DP (not to mention your kids)than a wreck. Is DP generally supportive of your plans?

If you love him then it's probably worth a try to help him get sorted. Your mum doesn't sound like she's much help.

Can you try to get some time off, out for a meal, some kind of date with dp and try and share what you both feel, without a fight?

sounds like he's a bit afraid of the new you...the one who's getting her life together. Obviously he needs to do this too, but how to get him to make that discovery?

Thats it im just not sure how to help him, sometimes i fell like i cant help him i have tried so many things and each of them isnt working.
The intimacy thing is becoming a real problem for us we at deadlock and its not something that can really be compromised on, he says he will learn to live with it but i don't think that's fair on him.
He cant handle social situations without getting het up and angry and anxious i am fairly laid back and easy going these days so i can.
This new paranoid state of mind he is in is a real tough one to handle he is constantly tailing me asking me questions about what im doing, why and who with..... its beginning to grate.

Sounds like you are really commendably getting in control of your 'stuff' (for want of a better word) and he is not. He's obviously feeling insecure and has trust issues, perhaps because you are not sleeping with him and he assumes you must therefore be getting it elsewhere.

To be honest, I think you two are a perfect match for something like Relate, though it won't focus so much on his underlying issues but just the situation at hand.

You sound really happy, not depressed at all It's almost as if there are two issues here: one, whether either of you still WANT to be together, something you have to work out separately in your own heads, and two whether you can be together, (bearing in mind you don't feel like sex and he really wants sex etc etc) which is perhaps something you can discuss together. It is really hard to have that kind of conversation with someone who is being paranoid and jealous of your new found hobbies/friends though...
Perhaps you could go to counselling on your own if he won't go? Just to sort out what you think about it all and work out what you want, at least.
Good luck, you sound really groovy

You are making progress from your issues and he is not, yet, and it probably feels scary for him. He could be scared of losing you as you get caught up in the new life you are making for yourself. If he feels he is still part of your new life he might feel less scared maybe. Could you set aside set times which are regular times when you do something just the two of you together? Something you could enjoy together which isn't sex (to take the pressure off you). Maybe you could both start another new hobby together? Is it the pressure to have sex that puts you off? Maybe if you just spend time together enjoying a non sex activity with no pressure, you might start to feel a natural urge to have sex which is your choice, not because you feel you have to.

The progress you have made sounds really great, especially under difficult circumstances, it must show you have a lot of strength, and could be a brilliant example for your DP. Maybe he will be influenced by it and do things to help himself too.

God you poor thing. What a lot to deal with and so young

Your mum sounds like a nightmare. Is she a bit Jeremy Kyle? She sounds like she wants to bring you down just like your DP does, keep you 'in your place'. Was she abusive to you as a child?

DP is getting very insecure at yoy spreading your wings, trying to make you feel guilty for doing something for yourself and saying you are 'distant' - well yes, a woman growing in self confidence will become distanced from a man who wants to keep her downtrodden and self doubting. I doubt your DP is doing that on purpose but misery loves company, and you widening your worldview is challenging his ultra shy introspective way off life. Even if you have never said it the subtext (in his mind) is 'why aren't you getting off your arse and doing something, if I can do it you can' and he won't want to hear that!

Sex is such an issue sometimes, I think it's chicken and egg - a partner becomes less attractive by whining about not having sex but the less sex they have the more they whine. I couldn't say whether you should try to make an effort with the sex stuff or not - you aren't going to want to shag a man who makes you feel crap but then maybe he's getting down about the lack of sex which is contributing to his low self esteem - it's very hurtful to get sexually rejected by your partner for any reason.

I think you need to seek counselling for your own stuff and try to aort your head out, DP can come with you on your journey or not, make it inclusive but if he chooses to stagnate in his life rather than make an effort that's his choice. He may have massive issues and low self esteem but you can't fix him, it wouldn't be your job even if you could.

Thanks for all your in-depth replies, it means a lot for you to have taken the time to write back to me.

I dont think for 1 second DP has done anything wrong, he treats me well and i have no reason to be angry or upset with him, i just feel i cant make him happy and since i do love him i want him to be happy, were better parents when were on our own with the children as well, well i know i am they are very well behaved and cheerful when im here but they start being silly and naughty (for want of a better word) when dp gets home from work.

DP says hes supportive of my plans for collage but it will mean him possibly taking on more care of the children and things and im guessing that wont please him, he finds the children difficult to deal with,

What worries me is the little things that once i brushed off are starting to annoy me, he has gone ahead and got my mum to babysit tonight but he didn't tell me, i have a health condition that means sleep is difficult for me and i am knackered but to say no to going out i know i will end up with him being seen to be hurt and i will once again end up feeling guilty, plus if we go out and i have a good time i know that will mean the second we get back through the door i will tense up waiting for him to start asking for sex and also things like if im trying to do something and struggling, dp comes in and takes it and does it in a few seconds and i feel like saying, let me do it by myself!!! I just want some independence.

My Mum i believe means well, we have always had a tense relationship, when i was 16 i moved out of my family home, my mum started to foster which the rest of the family didn't get a say in, we were all pushed aside for every teenage boy that walked through our door so i moved in with a friend and got a job and looked after myself, i also had a break from DP at this time, i don't think either has ever forgiven me and they are constantly referring to it as the time i 'had a breakdown' tbh i was really happy, safe and well cared for while i was away but they wont see that. My mum only wants me to be with DP she says no one else is good enough and i wont find anyone better so she likes to do everything in her power to keep us stuck together, my poor sisters try hard to stay out of it.

I did ask dp for a trial separation to re assess the relationship but he said no. He says he cant be happy without me, im not at all comfortable with that.

Your last line is a bit worrying. That's quite a manipulative thing for him to say, isn't it?

I know what your saying but i don't think he is saying to be manipulative, in a lot of ways he is still very young emotionally, i do think he actually believes what he is saying, i know it sounds horribly selfish and uncaring but i don't want him to rely on me to be make him happy, i can make myself happy - he is a grown man its important that he can do the same for himself.

I think you're both very young and have been through some very tough things but now you are starting to spread your wings.

Not trying to sound patronising (and I know it well could do!) but you're growing up and out of who you were into who you are going to be for the rest of your life, as an independent adult, and good on you for it. There are plenty of people who couldn't pull themselves together as you seem to have done - it's damned impressive!

Trouble is, as you change, your interactions with the world will also, inevitably, change and both your mum and (esp) your DP are used to the 'other you'. Your relationship with your DP in particular was formed in an unbalanced way, with you 'needing' him constantly. That's not the case now and it's contributing to all the stress. You no longer 'need' him the way you used to and he sees that as a complete rejection of who he is, especially if he hasn't also moved on, as it doesn't seem he has, because he can't see how you now still 'need him' in other ways.

So he reacts in anger to anything that seems to encourage the changes in you that threatens his perceived role in your life.

I think, definitely, that you should carry on doing the things that you are and that make you feel confident and happy. College courses and drama groups can only be positive things for you, your future and your children's future.

You've acknowledged a lot of this yourself - you say he seems emotionally immature and that's exactly right. You've also, subconsciously, hit the nail on the head for what needs to happen for your future - he needs to 'grow up', too, and become a gornw man with whom you can build a partnership.

So, the question is, knowing that your old relationship dynamic is now forever altered (and it is!) can he do that? Can the two of you build something new, working together, or has the time come to acknowledge that you've grown apart.

Sit down and talk either alone or, better yet, with some professional guidance. Set aside the red herirng of the sex. It can become a massive issue in and of itself that threatens to take over, but it's just another symptom - your DP is clinging to the physical reassurance of it but by whining and clinging, he's just imbedding the issues deeper and causing you stress.

One thing, though: tell your mother to butt out! She sounds very much as though she needs to have people around her whom she can advise (if not control) to feel confident herself. As you no longer need that, you threaten her relatinship with you as well. She'll move past it, if you give her a chance (I hope!) but, regardless, she shouldn't be interfering with your relationship with your DP as she is and I would make it clear to her, right now, that it has to stop or there's going to be trouble.

Also, make it clear to your DP that he's not to run to your mum to sulk! That doesn't help anything except his ego!