Turning 40 - having a midlife

[mammapasta]

Feel like it is a death turning 40 on Thursday. Should be happy am alive, have twins, am married, have a new house. But am feeling selfishly self-absorbed, down, looking for more excitement- don't want this to be it. I don't know who I am anymore, am certainly not who I thought I would be at 40. Feel like want to submerge myself in to fantasy rather than reality. I want to feel loved before I shrivel up.

My husband is so busy making the money he has worked every single day including weekends for the last three months- I have given up trying to 'spice up' our life- he invariably rejects my advances possibly because he has a problem following through- I feel so embarrassed saying this but it has been an issue for years now.
I on the other hand, feel full-blooded and at my peak I really do but he doesn't want to explore this with me. Probably too tired poor bugger! But the difficult thing is I have given up, I used to argue, beg, plead, try to flirt, dress up etc. But now have just given up. And there is alot of passive/ aggressive behaviour going on in our everyday life.

I also know I need a job to get focused on as have help to look after them, definitely until Feb and feel guilty about that whilst my freelance work has dried up and don't have much to do. I always validated myself through work and do not enjoy 'keeping house' although I do it because it is my job, but not with joy or passion.

I am not content with just making do- I have a real fear of wasting my life and not being a good mother because am not satisfied. But feel guilty for wanting to not be around for my kids. And I have to admit, I don't know if I could cope or our relationship would cope with me doing the lion's share of the house stuff, getting up in the night to my insomniac twins and working- am worried would have a break down and would have lots of dreadful rows with DH.

Any other people out there feeling the same? I suppose I wanted to not feel alone on this and need someone to help me buck up a bit.

I think you are in danger of doing something silly that may harm your family and yourself, when people state they are having a mid life crisis, they are normally suffering from depression due to disatifaction in their lives, and looking around at people and things to blame it on rather than look at why inside themselves they are not feeling right!

The best gift you could get yourself for your birthday is some counselling at the very least, and a visit to your gp, it sounds as if you have deep rooted issues.

best of luck x

Hve you thought of chanelling your energy into something creative? or getting really involved with a cause that is close to your heart? You sound a bit like I felt recently ( but I'm a fair bit older than you) I really couldn't countenance any "good causes" that were a bit frumpy, but something like Amnesty or Prison reform which is a bit more red blooded might be the cause for you - or painting large oil canvasses perhaps? Don't have an affair (I did, not a good idea, always ends in tears - mainly yours) But do do something that really instills the right sort of passion in you.

Thank you for your messages. First time have ever posted a thread. Feels weird writing about me instead of reading about others. I know am responsible for my state nobody else.Been to therapist who said to do this! Do not want to take anti depressants rather deal with emotions if possible so not sure GP could help. Hobby/job definitely a must.Full blooded cause sounds good.Realised am feeling low due to my uncle's birthday tomorrow too and he died in feb so very sad about that as we were close.

Does your dh really know how much he has opted out of your life? That's how it sounds and I'm not surprised it gets you down. Is there any way he can cut back/downsize at work? We have had some 'dry' spells where I've grumpily thought that I may just have to consider that part of my life over - but they are generally short lived, thankfully. And I'm even older than you...

Youprobably do need to get your professional life in order (but not FT from the sound of it) and perhaps you are depressed - but I do actually think you have good reason to be discontent if your marriage is as lacking in intamcy as it sounds.

Sounds familiar to something that has happened to me....tho mine was a bit more of sudden derailment.

Anyway 6 months of hard thinking I have come to the conclusion (and this may make sense to you) that sometimes the narrative of your life "gosh i am so lucky to have my lovely children, kind husband, great friends, exicting job or whatever" no longer fits with what you are feeling overwhelmingly inside -- lonely/ overlooked/unloved/unfancied/uninteresting. It is very tempting to dismiss these feelings as self indulgence, because on the surface everything looks fine and there are so many people worse off than you.

But feeling overlooked and unappreciated by your dh is a very serious thing. Do not ignore your feelings, or you may end up doing rash things. Please talk to him. Your husband sounds just like mine -- getting more and more of his emotional fulfillment from work and being a kind of mentally absent figure at home. good luck

Thanks for that. You have all cheered me up by just listening and telling me about your experience too. It is almost impossible to talk like this with friends as the single ones say- 'what have you got to complain about?' And I seem to be unable to talk about innermost stuff with married friends, as we all know each others' spouses and on some level it feels wrong to divulge too much. With some married friends who have kids, I feel that there is a subtle competition going on and everything has to appear just perfect on the surface, like those round robins at Christmas... can't wait for those again..

But good news, I did talk to him candidly (again) last night which really helped.

It's all about phases isn't it? Nothing ever perfect or clean-cut- but can say that feel better today. Just have to keep trying to keep it alive and my personal interests in life alive too.

As for 40 tomorrow- bring it on already. Just want the waiting to be over and it to be finally here the BIG one.

I could have written something very similar myself.

I dont think I am depressed; I look forward to the day ahead 99% of the time but I just suddenly feel at 37 I have woken up from being asleep in mummydom for 10 years. I have this urge a real urge to get out there for some, fun and excitement.

I want to just escape from mundanity and the just having to be here for the kids, husband etc etc. I am fed up of always being responsible and doing the right thing and 99% of the time putting my wants an needs last.

I feel like the last 10 years have been a massive compromise and I am now screaming to be let out.

I dream of doing a Shirley Valentine and buggering off into the sunset.

Dont get me wrong. I love my kids. I would die for my kids. I love them so deeply its unreal but somewhere deep inside me I feel panicked that life is running away from me and I just want to get out there and have fun and no responsibilities!!

Sorry no advice, but think I sort of know some of what you are feeling.

Not something I would normally recommend, but have you considered life coaching? I think it could help you channel that energy and help you find out what you're really passionate about in this new stage of your life.

I've just turned 40 and am enjoying it because irrationally I have learnt to accept my post-pregnancy belly.

Happy Birthday!! Life does start at 40

Hi, have you thought of reading "Games people play" by Eric Berne?, it is based on TA and the theory is that if you are a game player and I was shocked to discover I was one to get hooked into games, even though I am a very straight forward person, you pick your hubby/wife to meet deficencies in yourself, for example, to moan about how crap the hubby is, to boost your self esteem if they are not as great looking as you, to boost your social/economic status, if you are weak to have someone strong to protect you etc, the list goes on it is very interesting.

I would definatly read through it as it really makes you look at all the relationships you have with everyone in life, and then look at yourself and how you get sucked into their games and how you handle people who love games and drama and avoid being sucked into their games!

Happy birthday! I turned 40 in the summer and it does feel strange.

Good to hear that you had a chat with your husband.

Have you and he been able to make some time to mark your birthday with a celebration, even a little one?

What freelance work were you doing? Is it something you could seek a job in or try and chase up some more freelancing? Otherwise the volunteering or campaigning sound like good ideas.

I was 40 on saturday. It's bn a bloody awful run up to it. All the feelings described on here and more
I'm at a big turning point. Life needs shaking up and settling back down so I can look ahead with optimism for the next ten years. It's hard but there r some real positives. My mArriage despite being outwardly fine was running into real trouble. We r going thru a tough period but so necessary. Complacency breeds unhapiness. Try and see these feelings as positive ones which give u energy to channel yr life in different directions