birth families and their effects

[Mummiehunnie]

Hi, I posted about the family I grew up with a while back, can't find the thread!

I got some great advice, and just wondered if anyone had the time to hear me out and chat things through a bit with me?

I had counselling due to the abusive end of my marriage to the father of my children.

I did a lot of work on myself as I just did not feel right, I had no self worth, no self esteem, felt I had no stable ballance in my life, this was not due to normal breakup issues which are hard in themselves and can test someone, he was abusive toward me and the children, he lied to courts, stopped money, you name it he did it, he was found out in the end with the courts and has no contact with the children, but that is a whole other story.

To cut a long story short, once the drama of all of that was over, I had been clinging on to anyone who was any form of help as I was so needy and weak, and once it ended and I got strong from all I had been through and looked at what I had achieved, I looked at those around me and did not like everything I saw.

What the counselling brought out was that my boundaries were very weak, I had low self esteem and self worth, I was too open, I did not protect myself and my children enough from people that meant us harm, that I was a people pleaser, a compliant person.

I had a massive learning curve and I am so strong now, I have had to change some things that are against my nature for basic survival.

I looked at my family my parents and brother and how they treat me now and when I was growing up and it was not good, something bad happened, I forced it really, I was stronger and realised I was testing people, and they failed, I then had proof so to speak and an excuse to end relations with my family, they were of little benefit to me, they were of lots of stress and bad feeling.

I can't believe the feeling of stress is gone, myself worth has gone up, I feel happy, I feel relaxed and I feel that the negative influences are away from me.

I have since then started to stand up for myself with others around me, of course no one is liking this at all and not reacting well, as the pushover is standing up for herself, but that is fine, I am standing back and seeing what happens.

I have always needed lots of people around me to form my self worth, I am at a point where I am ok if I am on my own now, I just dont want negative, controlling, abusive people around me that I have attracted toward me to this point i my life.

Has anyone else done this? or got any advice etc?

I broke contact with my family 8 or so yrs ago - lots of issues in childhood and 2 siblings with mental illness etc etc. I feel it was the right thing for me to do though now I am a mother I feel even more acutely the question "how could you turn your back on your mother?". I too have low self esteem and depend far too much on how I perceive others perceive me.
Only you can know whether removing people from your life is the right thing to do especially as it sounds like you already had children - harder to deny them a relationship with grandparents and relatives - my children came along after I had done this so less of an issue for me.

bumblebumble, thanks for your post x

The children will still see my family, I am not the sort of person to hurt children, they have formed a relationship and that will continue for them, I just dont want a relationship right now.

I feel it is right for me at this time to not have these influences, I don't know if it is right long term, I have changed and need time to learn to be this person and be happy in my own skin, and I think others need to see I am changed and when and if we have a relationship in the future it is going to be on my terms rather than theirs, I suspect they won't like that and there will not be much of a relationship, as the other people in my family have had no therapy and have refused to go to family therapy with me.

What do you tell people Humblebumble? I don't know what to say if anyone asks me etc...

I recognise the thing of not even realising people weren't treating you as well as they should until you feel stronger and develop self esteem, and then reacting against it and then the other person reacts strongly because it isn't what they expected from you.

It seems a shock to realise you shouldn't accept things you've been accepting for a long time.

...I mentioned to a person a while back about standing up for myself more since I had more and more therapy, and she said something like "I hope you don't start standing up for yourself against me!". Well a situation arose where I needed to say something about something I didn't like her doing and she was so angry about it that she ended the friendship.

hi ordinary sahm, what happened with you? how did you realise you were taking rubbish from people? and how did those around you react? did any of them accept the change in you?

well done to you for not taking others bad behaviour!

we posted at the same time! he he!

Wow, that is helpful that the friend verbalised their fear of you standing up to people, the friendship probably ended, as she chose to be friends with people she found to be weaker than her, and you scared her as you were standing up to her and probably made her feel less secure in herself, it is always funny you can work out things for others but it is not easy for yourself. I think the same has happened with people around me...

For the first time in my life I would prefer to be alone than have negative people in my life, thankfully it has not got so bad I am on my own yet, but if I was that would ok!

Thinking about this more, a friend of mine who was friends with me only after I was left by my ex hubby, told me the other day she was depressed, I asked her why, she then listed all the mutual people we know and another friend of hers she knows, and how their lives were going well for them, I know things are going well for me at the moment, and then realised that she liked people not doing well in life as it made her feel better about herself, and it scared me, I think I will have not too much to do with her and be very careful about what I tell her in future now that I have seen this side to her, I have been so wrapped up in myself I didn't realise this about her, as things are now going well for me too x

Yes, I've seen this in some people too - they want you to be as crap as them to make them feel that it is ok for they themselves to be crap. If someone cares about you properly though, they should be pleased with you when you become less crap! People like this can hold you back and make you talk yourself down when you are with them so that they won't be jealous, then you feel resentful for putting yourself down and them going along with it.

...and when you are a bit crap because of depression etc you don't notice they are like this, you only notice when you improve and realise they preferred you when you were 'ill'.

I have been looking into the drama triangle as well, and it scares me, all that stuff, I just feel the need to step back from people and evaluate relationships, as friends and family have had all roles with me in life, persecutor, rescuer, victim, I have got to get off this rollercoaster for me and my children, however to be fair i look at people I have met in life and I would say most people are in some sort of drama triangle, thankfully I am trying to break the cycle !

In your 12.14 post ordinarysahm, I think what you are refering to is the "I am ok, you are no ok!" from the rescuer making you the victim, when we should all be thinking "I am ok, you are ok", it is so hard to think that everyone is ok, when they are hurting you and to find the ability to stand in the middle of the drama triangle and say the right thing to stop the drama and the changing roles, it is mind boggling!