advice?

[howdidthishappentome]

hi, basically i have been married for six yrs in what i though was a happy marriage when my dh told me that when he got with me he was still in a relationship with his ex (she lives overseas) He says him and her have been together for fourteen yrs although six of those he has been with me?? and they have been through so much together. when he got with me he just did so to get a visa?!? but he now says he has grown to love me and cant lie to me anymore. wtf. i don't know where to turn i have no-one else to talk to. although i am so angry at him i am ashamed to say i still love him.

Hi hdthtm.

I'm not sure what to advise but I didn't want your thread to go unanswered.

Is your husband foreign? How has he maintained a relationship with this other woman when she lives overseas?

Hope you are ok?

thanks mampam

yes he is foreign. thats the stupid thing he sees her once a year when he goes to visit their son. the rest of the time we lead a normal happy life and i had no reason to think other wise. They speak daily on the phone though which i have always been kind of uncomfortable about but thought no way could there be anything going on because he is here with me?

It does sound as if your DH has got the best of both worlds here. Two women on the go, one of whom he sees once a year, speaks to regularly, has a son by him, the other who he lives with and puts up with him contacting this other woman.

How old is his son? Does he send money to her/them?

Sounds to me like he is having his cake and eating it. I'm so sorry.

does she know about you?

Maybe he has to tell you now as she is coming over.

What is his view on all this - does he still want a relationship with her too?

yes she knows about me. I phoned her when i first found out and she said she has no plans to come here she says she knows he is going home to her and even it takes 20 years she will wait!?! obviously i dont know how true this is i only know what she told me.

the thing is we also have a son together and i am just trying to keep things normal for his sake at the minute because he is picking up on all the bad vybes.

he does support his son finacially. but he also pays his way here we split everything 50/50 although the house is in my name alone

Do you go back with him to visit his son every year and if not where does he stay when he is over there?

Perhaps he is feeding her a line that he is just with you for visa and will return to her one day.

It certainly would no sit easy on me if my DH was phoning and talking to her every night. Surely that isn't necessary.

Seems there are 3 people in a relationship and l bet he is loving it.

As mampam says he is having his cake and eating it.

Not sure what l would do in your situation it seems that this relationship was built on lies on his part although he does say things are different now----how nice of him to tell you. What was his reason for telling you that at this stage?

Certainly trust must now be an issue and there will be a wee thought running through your head about her comments of waiting for him Just what is he telling her.

So very sad for you

I have been twice to visit his son and i didn't see her at all. I did stay with his family who were all very nice to me. this is what i just dont get. apparantly when i was there she packed up and left the area because she couldn handle it.

he has told me today that he has never met anyone like me and his relationship with his ex was never as good as ours and he is only still continuing this way because when he left he made a promise to her. although obviously like you say trust is now an issue and i really dont believe anything he says at the minute. and i was certainly not the first relationship he had since he has been here when we got together he had just come out of a 3 yr relationship with another woman in he uk.

He says he told me because it was killing him and he couldnt lead a double life anymore.

Thank you so much for your replies it is helping me to get all this out because i feel like i have been going crazy holding it inside.

Okay so he made a promise to her what was it? If it was to support his son until he was an adult--well done to him. If it was that he was going to go back to her one day-well !!!

What about the promises he has made to you love honour etc??

For this relationship to work he has to choose and you will have to be firm. No more nightly phone calls weekly will be enough unless the son is old enough and judging by the time you have been together he must be at least 9 years old. CAn he phone and speak to his son without the OW being involved.

No more visits over there unless you are with him, could his son not visit here airlines will look after unaccompanied young travellers ( but only if he is not too young IYKWIM).

I hope it works out for you

I think the promise he made was that he would stand by her which obviously he has broken. Part of me thinks she just says she is waiting for him so that he will continue to financially support her and the son. Although obviously that maybe just wishful thinking on my part

I so want to be strong and finish this but dont feel that i can do this right now. Sometimes i feel so angry, he blatantly told me that when he returns home he is intimate with her and stays in her home. All of my respect for him has gone and if i'm honest i'm just biding my time right now. But my mind swings from one direction to the next every day.

His son is coming at easter to stay with us so he wont be seeing her next year anyway as he cant afford for him to come here and to visit home. But in reality that is jus delaying the inevitable when he does go home for a visit the next year or year after that how can i deal with it. And he never phones her when i'm around we work different hours so he just does it when i'm at work.

I just dont understand how he can tell me this in my face and expect me to carry on as normal. Nobody knows because i don't want to tell anyone until I know myself what my decision is. Most of all i feel like a fool.

Oh Gosh that is awful

He stays with her when he goes home and sleeps with her then returns to you. Aghhhh

He is a 2 timing twunt and you have been well and truely used.

He is leading a double life and you would do well to be shot of him. This wont get any betteer and as you say you will be forever wondering about the next time he goes home and just what is he saying to her on the telephone when you are conveniently at work.

You are not a fool you have just been played by a selfish lying selfish apology for a man. You could only be called a fool to let this continue much longer.

If it is your house ask him to leave until you get your hrad straight and decide what you want to do.
I dont understand why he is telling you this now--something must have prompted this confession l don't believe this guilt trip for 1 second.
Oh get him out now while you still have a bit of self respect left and find somebody who will love you for yourself not for a bloody visa

Sorry for the rambling but l am so bloody mad at your (D)H