No idea what I'm supposed to do now...

[sowhathappensnow]

Please forgive me if this is long, my thoughts are all over the place.
I've been with my DH for many years and although we've had our ups and downs like anyone, our relationship has generally been very strong.
Recently he has been overly interested in a female friend of ours and this has escalated into constant daily contact via email, texts etc and the occasional meeting. It has caused arguments between us as he can't even eat a meal with us without obsessively checking his phone for messages or sending her a message.
He now claims to be in love with her and as a result says he isn't sure he wants to stay living with us any more. He has become completely unable to show me any affection, not even a hug, and is miserable all the time he is at home with us as he wishes he was with her. I am pregnant and feeling rough (and more in need of a hug than ever) but feel I am going through this pregnancy alone as he says he doesn't want the baby any more and isn't coming to antenatal appts with me etc.
He hasn't left because he says he needs to make an effort for the baby's sake, despite the fact he doesn't want it, but doesn't appear to be making much real effort. He refuses to have less contact with the OW and is irritable with us all the time. I am unable to tell people about the pregnancy as I can't get excited about it and they will be confused when they congratulate him and he isn't enthusiastic. I am terrified at the thought of being a single parent but I am starting to wonder if his presence is doing more harm than good.
He's gone from being a wonderful husband to a sullen lodger. I don't understand where the man I married has gone and I want that man back. Sometimes I wonder if I am being an idiot trying to carry on life as normal but I have a glimmer of hope that this is just a phase and he will snap out if it...am I really deluded?

Oh God, you poor thing.

It seems to me that he is totally and utterly taking the piss. On the one hand you say he doesn't want the baby and isn't coming to AN appts, on the other he wants to make an effort for the baby's sake. ...... What effort ?

I have never been through anything remotely like this, and can see how hard it must be, but YOU need to take control. Chuck him out.

So atm he gets to carry on with the other woman while treating you like shit whilst you are presumably still looking after him. And to still look to the rest of the world as if he is a good father to be and husband.

No wonder he hasn't left.

This must be awful for you especially being pregnant as well. Not getting excited during the pregnancy is understandable and normal in a situation like this.

Even if this is a phase it is not doing any good to carry on living together for the time being. Because as long as you allow him to treat you like this then there is no reason for him to stop.

I would either ask him to leave or leave yourself (but only leave yourself if you don't have other children). Even if it is temporary.

You can't allow him to treat you like this - you are worth much more than that.

Muster up all your courage, my love, get some RL support for what has been going on - AND ASK HIM TO LEAVE FORTHWITH.

You've been letting him get away with shitting on you from a great height and he now thinks he can do anything and you'll put up with it.

You need to claw back some self-respect, because at the moment, he does not respect you - and neither does the OW who obviously knows you've been putting up with this, which is why she's not worried about contacting him during family time.

Please don't go on as you are. He might one day come to his senses, but he is never going to, while you are letting him live under the same roof and play happy families. Tell people what is going on and surround yourself with people who genuinely care.

I honestly think that people who do this (him and OW) when someone is so vulnerable should rot in hell - expose them to all and sundry please and stand up for yourself.

So sorry, this must be hell.

you are already a single parent going through this pregnancy alone without any help or support from your twunt of a husband.

Tell him to leave--don't settle for being second best.
is the OW married?

please tell him to leave, then you can concentrate on rebuilding a life for you and the baby. he is wanting the comfort of bieng at home, with you and the bump, so he can carry on pretending he is the loyal loving father and husband.

show him for what he is

a spineless 2 timing cock lodger

and she is as deserving of your ire too, if she is a friend, she knew she was playing with fire, with your husband. how nasty

tell people you are pregnant, and unfortunately, your H is a cheating scumbag and you could do with their support

i am sure people will help in their droves

Hi - sounds pretty shit.

Is it the first baby? Assuming so.

From where I sit you have three options:

1. sit tight and play the long game (perhaps it's something he'll come through)

2. kick him out

3. give him a choice - it stops here and he focuses on you and the baby or he does the honourable thing and leaves.

I'd go for option 3) but easy when it's not me in the situation. My circumstances were a little different and in the end I did 3) but it took some time while I sat in a daze. 3) will at least force the issue and make him think, trouble with 1) in my experience is that it's shit for you and too easy for him.

He's living a fantasy at the moment, in which things like the Child Support Agency and divorce lawyers don't exist. A wee dose of reality will do him the world of good.

He's having his cake and eating it - making you feel bad when all he wants is out. Tell him to go.

He's not helping you or your pregnancy and he can't just stay at home and expect you to behave like it doesn't matter.

You could always tell him that you're going to call the OW and tell her you're expecting. I'd like to know how she responds to the knowledge that your relationship has obviously had some recent intimacy - what has he told her? Of course he hasn't told her about the pregnancy and wants you to keep quiet because it blows his good man cover.

OW knows about the pregnancy and apparently is telling DH to make more effort with me. Yet neither of them are changing their behaviour. I don't think their relationship is sexual but that doesn't stop it damaging our marriage. She's married with children also.
We have another child who is thankfully too young to notice DH is not his usual self,and is used to him working away, although even tiny babies can pick up on an atmosphere can't they. For many reasons I can't leave the family home but if DH stops paying the mortgage I won't be able to stay anyway.
I'm scared to tell people wht's going on as they will probably think it's my fault for not being a good enough wife. And rightly or wrongly I still love him with all my heart. All I seem to do is cry

He can't stop paying the mortgage, he has to keep you and the children in the family home.

My advice is to get yourself a lawyer. If this is just a phase then that just might bring him to his sense, and if it isn't well then at least you will be in a strong position going forward and he won't be able to take advantage of you.

He sounds like a total git, he is not worthy of your love.

Sowhathappens, don't be scared to tell people in RL what's happening. I'm sure anyone you tell will realise what a w*** he's being.

It might seem impossible to get out of the situation but believe me it's not impossible. Just a question of taking things step by step. Keep talking to us, get some RL support and why not see a solicitor (some of them will give you a free hour) or at least start with the Citizens Advice Bureau). The CAB will help you find a solicitor if you need one and each step you take will make you feel a little stronger and more in control.

Sowhathappens, this is a female friend of yours and your DH? She's married with kids.

Time to get ghetto on that OW!

You know the couple? you know where they live, GO ROUND THERE, tonight. Leave DC with DH, then you know he can't go anywhere. For once he'll be right where he's supposed to be.

Take a taxi and make it wait for you if you have to. Better yet, if you have mutual friends of theirs and yours, get them to take you round there, so they can see what kind of whore she is.

If you can take your DH phone with you to prove to her DH what you are talking about, do it. Assuming that her DH doesn't know already about it....

Sit on their sofa and spill it all, the PG, the fact that he's being an arse, and the fact that despite being a so-called friend, she is shaging him and even knowing that you are PG she is not leaving him alone.

Tell them it stops right here, right now. Tell them this is your life, your family she is literally fucking with, and you are not going to take it. The friendship is OVER as of this very second. FIGHT WOMAN FIGHT!

Then, that job done, go back to DH and tell him it's over, and that if he goes near her again, not to bother coming back. MEAN IT.

He is on his very last chance, one slip, one email, one text, one call and he is out. You would be better on your own than with someone who has that little respect for his family.

Huge hugs for you, now go to war, fight for your marriage!

Thank you, a little sympathy is making me feel a lot less lonely. Reading this I know I'd probably say get rid of him too, but somehow it doesn't seem so simple when it's actually happening to you! I see what you are all saying though, it's not healthy to go on like this. Perhaps we do need some space apart. But how do you make someone leave when they refuse? He's twice my size I can't physically make him.
There are so many things worrying me about doing it, what if its permanent. I can't see how I will cope on my own or how anyone will ever love me again. Will I always feel its my fault the children don't live with their dad?
Her DH knows. I dont think he cares. I dont think OW and my DH are actually shagging. yet.

Oh love, I feel for you so much. My situation was pretty similar a year ago, other than my youngest was by then a year old. It was the worst time of my life.

I so wish I had asked H to leave when it all started, rather than limping through an utterly miserable year with him and putting up with more and more disrespectful behaviour.

I can't stress enough how much I think you must ask him to leave now, hard though I know it is. You aren't going to change his mind by changing yourself, he's in some kind of teenage infatuation and he needs to be forced back into behaving like an adult.

Does her H know what's going on by the way? It was OW's H who actually told me, and it was incredibly helpful to speak to him. Think this through before doing anything though!

Don't be scared of telling people, at first it will be hard, but I promise it gets easier. Nobody will think badly of you at all, just him, and with good reason!! Keep posting.

speak to someone please. i think this man has damaged your self-esteem and you need to try and get it back somehow. its not your fault its his if you separate and your children dont live with there dad anymore. you have nothing to feel guilty about. get some legal advice aswell. i feel for you. take care and look after yourself

sowhat, how are things?

Tiredoftherain - I just read your post on the 'how do you know he's having an affair' thread and my heart sank. What you wrote is almost exactly what's going on in our house right now. Dh obsession with his phone, which never leaves his sight for a moment and is now pin protected when it never was before. Email passwords etc have been changed. The 'I'm not happy but I don't know why' conversations. The implication that the recent troubles in the relationship are my fault and that I should be making more effort. Anger when I do make an effort...
The whole situation makes me feel physically sick. I know I need to find the courage to do something drastic but I just feel so drained of all strength at the moment.

Please find the strength sowhat, you need to take control and not allow them to treat you like this. Does anyone know about this in RL who can support you ? Having other people outraged on my behalf helped considerably.

I packed by DH's bags for him (in bin bags). I was so angry at being treated that way (he left me with 4DC to his get his "space" when he had actually moved in with OW). When he realised I wasn't going to take things "lying down" and was going to fight for my family, it was the wake call he needed. We were at Relate within the week.

Get angry and use that anger to give you strength. Think of Elin Woods and chase him out of the house with a 3 iron .

Look, this is making you sick and will not be doing your child or unborn baby any good either. This man does not deserve to have you about or to be allowed to present himself to the world as a good partner and family man when he is acting like a total selfish cock. If he won't go, leave him - surely there are family or friends who can help for a bit and give you a place to stay?

See a solicitor, contact the CSA and give him a wake-up call that lets him know he cannot treat people - especially the mother of his children - like this. And do have a word with her H to find out exactly what he knows and what his plans are. I can't believe he is just putting up with it (unless she is such a cow he wants your H to take her off his hands asap in which case why aren't they doing so?). Get it all out in the open so he can no longer play happy families with extras. You deserve better and you must find the strength to act before the birth or this will destroy you. Could you really cope with this plus other child, sleeplessness and so on?

I wrote on another thread recently about an OM who was playing the same game as your H's OW. Pretending to nobly step back while the woman decided what she wanted to do - all the while continuing to text and say how much he loved her. This is what this OW is doing, probably convincing your arse of a DH that she is actually a nice person.

Your hormones are probably all over the place and this is not helping your inertia and weepiness. I understand and what you are going through is just horrible. But trust what we are all saying - doing nothing is not going to solve this problem and believe me, you will feel SO much better once you take control and set some wheels in motion.

Affairs are very often a complete fantasy. Once exposed - and once people realise what your H and this "friend" have been up to, the bubble will burst and even the most thick-skinned, star-crossed lovers will find other people's condemnation terrible. It is the most effective wake-up call of them all.

Understand too that you need RL help at the moment. You might be too upset to go to a CAB or contact the bank etc., but a friend or relative can help you with this. No-one will think you are a bad wife! They will think OW is and that your H is a rotten husband. I agree with Abedelia - test out what you are being told about her H. I cannot imagine for one minute that there is a man putting up with being cuckolded without doing something about it. Contact him - or get your ally to.

Once you have done something - you will feel better.

Oh, I'm so sorry my post made you feel like that. Once you've been through it you want to save others the same prolonged pain of working it out. It's like these men follow a script, if I'd known then what I know now, I wouldn't have spent months doubting my sanity. I think the mobile activity usually seems to be the biggest red flag.

I never ever thought my H would cheat, but he turned into a walking cliche. There was nothing at all I could have done to stop it happening, and if a baby isn't enough to bring your H to his senses, I don't know what else you can do either.

Get all the RL support you can, don't be ashamed to tell people exactly what's going on, they will amaze you with their support. Friends and family (his as much as mine) are what's got me through this.

whenwillI, just read your post and so totally agree. Think I am stalking you a little at the moment!!

Can't stress enough what an ally OW's H has turned out to be for me. I'd definitely get in touch if I were you, but only if you think this may be helpful to you, I don't think it necessarily is in every case.

Totally agree with WhenWillI on this one. The "star-crossed lovers" fantasy is bang on the money. To your DH, OW is the only one who understands him, she is sympathetic and so unselfish and heroic - telling him to try harder with you when all they really want is to be together. What a pile of cr*p.

People in RL will be much more sympathetic than you think. I dreaded telling people when my marriage ended because I worried about what they would say - but people really came through and I made some of my (now) best friends at that time. Please start to get yourself a RL support network and take yourself out of this horrible horrible situation.

I am so sorry, I cannot begin to imagine how awful this situation must be to deal with especially when pregnant. I'm not one who automatically condemns affairs in all circumstances but the way your H is behaving is beyond contempt. No wonder you are emotional . Get him out of your house and leave those selfish t*ssers to it. Their fantasy will soon fade when they have to deal with the reality of who they are and what they have done.

so sorry you are going through this.

I too agree you need to tell people what is going on and they will surprise you. There are so many people who have been through this and there is no shame at all.

Also it is like a script so do take the advice even if it feels wrong - the stronger you get the easier it will be.

The ow knows exactly what she is doing - and your h is falling for every line - mine did too for a while. It was only when a counsellor predicted some of her moves that my h could really see what she was up to and it was not the actions of a caring nice person.

Stay strong and good luck