I'm leaving him. How should I do it?

[WindinTheWillow]

I decided to leave my partner last month. We do have good times but I find him so difficult to live with. He's ignorent, childish, boring...he doesn't take care of himself and we're constantly arguining about the kids.

I decided I wanted to bring my kids up alone. I want to be single. I want to come and go as I please. If I want to leave the washing up until morning, I will do. If I want to be a picture for the wall, I will do. If I want to buy my kids expensive clothes for no other reason than I feel like it, I will do!

Anyway, he has no idea I'm planning to leave. I'm not sure the best way to go about this because he hasn't actually done anything "wrong". I just want to live on my own and be single.

I already have a property lined up. The kids don't even know and I'm dreading it all coming out because I think world war 3 will erupt. How should I go about this?

Normally I'm on here encouraging women to leave, but I'm uncomfortable doing so in your case. Perhaps you could try working on your relationship? How old are your kids? Based on what you've posted, it actually seems a bit unfair on them, tbh.

At the least, it might be worth going for a trial separation at this stage and see how it goes.

I don't know where to even begin with answering this.

Accusing him of being childish but then wanting to separate your DC from their DH (I assume?) because you just want to live on your own and be single? Do you want him to have custody, so you can really enjoy being a singleton then? That seems fairest. Leave him in family home with them, and have them every other weekend.

The issue that concerns me is that you because you want to live your life a certain way (out of your marriage, despite admitting your DH has done nothing wrong) you are going to completely rip your children's world apart. I don't advocate staying together for the sake of the children, but you are going to move them out because you have decided to change your life. Would it not be better for them to stay in the home as they know it with their dad?

Surely you owe it to yourself, your husband, and children to try to resolve any problems first before just leaving without any warnings?

Sorry if I appear a bit off the wall here but you are talking about taking a huge step, you need to ensure it is the last option.

It also makes a huge difference whether "your" kids are also his kids. If he has parental responsibility for them (something defined by law, not by choice) you won't be able to just up and leave. If they're not his it's a different matter.

I recommend a swift visit to your local CAB as a first step. Or at least a heavy googling of advice about ending relationships. There is lots out there.

Could I suggest you try growing up a bit and revisiting the subject in a years time.

Well, I'd arrange for your mum or a friend to mind the children and tell him face to face.

I tried to leave secretly (because I was afraid of his reaction). He sussed me out, and my fears were entirely justified. He attacked me in front of the children.

Do you have any similar fears?

If you do just disappear, and he has thought everything was alright, then I do think (providing he hasn't been abusive to you) that you OWE him 'the talk'. It'll be uncomfortable and awkward and upsetting, but if he hasn't done anything bad, then I think you owe him a sit down and some honest, but sensitively put, explanations.

Living on your own with the children IS easier than living with somebody who you can no longer bear. I can definitely confirm that that is true!!! no doubt you will be castigated for planning to slip away, but having attempted to do the same, I'm not going to criticise you.

It is not unfair to the children to split up if you are all living in an unhappy atmosphere. It is so often taken as red that two parents is the ONLY way to provide happiness and stability for your children, and that all other family untis are inferior or damaged. BOLLIX - my children have flourished in our new improved family unit of 3. We can all be ourselves now.

i think you sound terribly young and naive

if he has no idea,and neither do the children, you are giving him no opportunity to work on things

and with all due respect, fi you are on your own you your children, how do you propose doing as you please, buying expensive clothes etc.... ? you will be a single parent, and i doubt it is going to tbe the easy breezy time you seem to envisage

i think it is grossly unfair to end the marriage without even giving your H a chance to try to make amends and make things work

unless there is some awful back story here, you sound totally self obsessed and needlessly deciding to rip a family apart without even trying to make it work

He is not their father. The children have been asking if we can go back to living on our own for years. They're the same as me, it's not that they dislike him, they just don't like living with him.

It's constant moaning from him.

"Who left a shoe in the hallway?"
"Why has the shower switch being left on?"
"Who left the dvd running?"
"Why are you wearing a clean pair of pyjamas? you only had the other ones on one night"
"Have you done your homework? have you done your homework? HAve you done your homework? Have you done your homework? (repeat throughout the night) "
"Why are you spending £30 on a coat for him? check ebay"
"I don't want a picture in this room, it's fine as it is"
"We're not having the heating on, it costs too much"

etc etc etc....

I've tried working on it with him but it just isn't working and whilst he refuses to admit there is a problem, it never will work and I'm sick of wasting my time here.

Windawillow, I think people will read your post about the washing up and decide that you are the shallow one, but having lived (for 8 years) according to somebody else's rules, I think I know what you are going through.

i had to make the coffee my x's way. I had to fold the clothes his way. If I went to london on a bus he would criticise me for not having taken the train.

Everything had to be done his way to his high, and exacting standards, or it was wrong. The weight of doing every tiny thing somebody ELSE's way eventually drains you. Especially when each individual request is small and reasonable!! you'd have to be very unreasonable or awkward yourself to object!! so you never do??? Easier perhaps to get into the habit of doing every tiny little thing the way he expects it to be done.

You get to the point where you can't decide whether you want tea or coffee. You need to ask him if you're hungry or not, cos you don't know if he will approve of you being hungry.

i may be over analysing here, but I know that women don't plan to 'slip away' on a whim.

If I've got it all wrong, I apologise. I do tend to 'transpose' my own experiences onto other people sometimes.

mx

Okay, that does make it better, that he's not dc's father and they're not keen to have him there.

What's stopping you, then?

Windawillow, I've just read your post. x-posted. You will be happier on your own, and so will your children. Do what you have to do, and don't feel guilty. Enjoy your freedom. I don't do very much with my freedom!! but I can watch medium back to back for an hour if i WANT to!! i can eat vegetarian food if i want to!! or i can eat nothing if i want to! or i can treat the children to a mcDonalds if i want to! it is just paradise.

people whose partners don't hover over them and criticise their every single tiny decision couldn't really get it.

i bet you are just DYING for your own place.

i hope you enjoy it. Good luck

mx

ps, my x was my children's father, but it sounds like the house is run on a similar way.

only my x got to decide anything. what furniture was purchased, where it went, when or if we decorated, i had to basically HIDE the evidence that a woman and 2 children lived in the house. it was exhausting.

If he's not their father then its different, I agree. (Though I wish more stepfathers encouraged homework!)

Talk to him when the kids aren't around. Talk to the kids when he isn't around.

nicknametaken, nobody should stay together in a shit relationship just because the man is their children's father! I HATE that ludicrous and damaging notion that a lot of people still have. it's fear of a stigma anyway, not the best interests of the children, who will obviously be better off in a happy atmosphere.

a good father will always be there.

perhaps you should have put that relevant information in your first post ?

it sounds like nasty control freakery and you and the children are miserable, so good luck with it all.

I completely change my viewpoint. I was a single parent in a relationship and had to leave as he was an arse. My kids eventually hated him.

On our own as our own unit we were great. I did however meet my now DH and everyone gets on great.

If he does not have parental responsibility and you have lined up your next address then I would be discussing my plans with my CLOSEST of allies for support and help and planning on when I was going to have the discussion with him.

Good luck.

Your first post sounded rather petty but your second post clarifies your concerns and it is apparent you know what life is like as a single parent.

Hope you manage to make the break soon and good luck.

I would take the advice of getting the kids taken care of and having the Talk just before you leave. You are perfectly within your rights to end a relationship that is no longer working for you. But it is only couteous to let him in on it before you disappear.

MaggieNollaig you have COMPLETELY hit the nail on the head. How strange to see it all written down by someone else, it kind of makes me feel better to know it isn't just me that has ended up like this (although obviously I'm sorry you and others have been through it too).

You're so right. Everything has to be done his way. He always wanted to be in charge of the shopping but I refused for so long. In the end, I got so sick of him critisising EVERYTHING I bought, it was easier to let him do the shopping.

It was wrong to make spagetti bolognese with jar sauce because HE makes it with sachets. Needless to say I ended up making it with sachets too because it seemed petty to refuse.

I'm only allowed to be hungry if he's hungry, otherwise I'm being greedy.

I'm only allowed the heating on if he's cold, otherwise its a waste of money.

Like you said, you get so sick of the fall out that you do everything their way to keep the peace. Then one day you snap and think "why the hell should I???" and you do it your way again. An argument erupts because you're now being "petty" and "childish" and before long, you're back to doing it his way again.

I have lived as a single parent before and I much prefered it.

Maggie, I thought someone would take me up on that! Believe me, having left my own ex (father of my DD), I'm not in favour of sticking out a miserable situation for the kids. But the OP sounded as if she was disrupting the family out of restlessness and a vague sense that the grass would be greener elsewhere, and frankly I would suggest someone think very hard about the consequences in such a situation. From her later post, that is not the situation and leaving looks like a much more reasonable decision.

But generally I don't believe that a happy family life can be built on the back of one person's misery.

I agree. No one should have to stay in a relationship that is making them miserable, regardless of what their circumstances are. Some people may look at a situation and think that the other person should stick it out, but only the people involved know what the situation is really like.

Anyone looking at my relationship with my ex-H would have thought we had a near perfect life, but behind the scenes there was no sex, no intimacy, no affection, we were like two polite housemates. I decided I didn't want to spend the rest of my life in a passionless existence, even for the sake of my two children, who are my world. And yes, he was their father, and still is!

Would my DCs have been better living in a house with two parents who no longer really loved each other, I guess only time will tell. Most of our friends and family were shocked when I left, no one knew there was a problem. Even ex-H refused to acknowledge it for a long time, despite numerous attempts on my part to talk it through.

All I can say is, a year on from my divorce, we are all much happier. DCs still have great relationship with their dad, as we have made it work because it is what we all want, and although ex-H is still hurt, he is coming to terms with things and I hope in time we can be good friends again.

Only you know what is right for you, but you owe it to him to tell him to his face, unless you think he will hurt you. Sneaking off is not really on.

Good Luck