how to get them to change?

[MrsStinky]

I've had a third weekend of shouting and stress and now they've gone to school and work I'm home with the littlies and I can't stop crying

DH won't shower and it is driving me demented. I posted about it months ago as at that time he'd not showered for 3 months. Well since my total meltdown he got a lot better, but things have been slipping again. I don't think he's showered now for over 2 weeks, despite being asked to many times. He is getting cross with me as I won't have sex with him he can't seem to work out why I'm not keen!?!

It was suggested last time I posted that he might be depressed (only logical reason for not washing). Well he's doing well at work (fairly responsible job in IT, moderately stressful, but relatively secure) and doesn't seem to have any trouble doing things he wants to do (computer games and smkoing dope mostly). He just seems to hate showering / bathing! I have trouble getting him to do other jobs about the house too - he's a perfectionist but very, very slow (to the point I've given up asking him to do many things).

Eldest child is a very stroppy pre-teen and cannot be reasoned with. If arguing was an olympic sport we'd have found our medal winner. Second pre-teen has started copying behaviour of eldest. I have spent most of the weekend nagging about homework, showers, hair washing, picking up dirty laundry, and breaking up physical fights

Middle ones are OK, but youngest has a cold and refuses to stay in own bed and spent most of last night being returned to bed

I'm tired and stressed and I'm ready to walk out. I don't want to, but am losing the will to carry on. The tempation to pick up the littlies and walk away from eldest two and DH is getting stronger...

I've asked nicely, I've written jobs lists, I've threatened, they refuse to take me seriously. How can I make them understand that they need to stop arguing and do as they're asked? and wash!

sorry it's an essay

I have weekends like the one you've just described and I know how it feels to just want to walk away. I don't have any answers for the long-term but I do know you need to look after yourself. I know that sounds cr&p but if you don't have to be out the door for the next appt etc, just grab your little one(s), sit down on the sofa, have a cuddle (or put them on the floor if they're a wriggler like mine is!). Just stop doing the housework for 5 minutes and take deep breaths, rest your eyes if you can, and tell yourself you're doing a fab job. I hope this helps for the next 5 minutes until someone comes along who may have had experience on how to change things positively

I think there comes a time that teens have to learn for themselves tbh.

Clothes not in washbasket?
Then they don´t get washed.

Showering?-well I guess if they don´t believe you when you tell them they smell, perhaps they´ll believe their friends when they tell them!

As for husband-is there a spare bed/floor he can go to?

Sorry, but I couldn´t have him near me!

I too have days/weekends like this - but as someone said before they do have to learn for themselves.

Why do you have to do all the washing? I have left my teens clothes before - eventually they do either bring them to me to be washed or have in fact asked how the washing machine works. Dirty washing does not walk itself down the stairs in our house - even though you think it would the state of some of it. Also i now only put their clothes in their room for them, I hate how untidy their room are but if i do it they will never learn.

It seems to be tidied when they have friends around funny that.

As for the washing/showering - I really dont know how you can put up with it - sorry but it is so unhygenic too.

If he is a perfectionist why does he not care about himself.

I know my ds is a bit lax on the washing but just the threat that he may have head lice is usually enough - can you not do something like this??

thanks

I'm less tearful now, but still very angry. I could cope with any one of them being like this, but it's all of them together that have really got me down.

I think the biggest issue is DH's lack of washing. He claims not to have time, which is ridiculous. He makes out that I'm being obessive complusive and that I'm the one creating a problem.

Last time I ended up speaking to his mother about it! she suggested we started a star chart. I think I'll make one later.

A lot of the kids I work with have issues with washing. They will do anything to pretend they are washing but don't. They smell. They are teenagers from abusive backgrounds who have been in care.

I have only ever known people to be reluctant to wash if they have been abused/neglected as children, or if they are depressed as adults. Does your H fall into either of those?

It's impossible to say you don't have time to wash. There is some reason why he is avoiding washing. I would not let my DH sleep in the bed with me if he was that smelly - sometimes if he's particularly sweaty I get him to shower before bed - otherwise the sheets stink and I can't sleep in a smelly bed.

I don't quite see the point of the star chart unless the technique is to try to make him feel like a child which is unlikely to work. You need to tell him calmly and kindly that it is not normal to avoid washing, it is necessary to wash at least every other day, and the shower only takes 5 minutes. If he does not wash he will smell which means you do not want to sleep next to him or have sex with him, and that other people will notice and it will affect his career and social life. You need to ask him why he is averse to washing, and try to help him to identify it, or explain it to you. Be gentle and kind and be prepared for him to be defensive, but stick to your guns. Put in a boundary ie if you feel he needs a shower he must have one before getting into bed, or sleep on the sofa. You will not have sex with him if he is unwashed. Beyond that it's down to him

Can I suggest that the smoking and the stinkiness go hand in hand. Either ban him from your bed or find yourself a space to sleep in.

What an example he is setting the children, getting stoned, smelling, being 'slow' to complete tasks, still sounds like a teenager to me. No wonder your eldest is behaving in exactly the same way, he/she is learning by example.

You need to talk to other people in the same situation here

a star chart is for children - not adults.

Tell him and if necessary write it down for him.

No wash = no sex - simple.

Your 'needs' are important too and yanbu to expect him to be clean for you want to be near him.
Does he use aftershave or anything - actually does he shave?? surely that would take time.

Also if he says he does not have time then i would not have time to do ANY of his washing or cleaning - or in fact doing anything for him - he is an adult and adults do ahve to learn to fend for themselves.

Mrs S

You cannot change him but you can change how you react to him. If you do leave as well you need to take all your children with you, not just leave the eldest two behind with him.

What are your children learning about relationships from you both here; you're both imparting damaging lessons to these young people. He's a cannabis smoker and layabout and you're the martyr to your family and enabler to your H. They deserve a better role model than their Dad in particular. Small wonder your children are causing you problems as well, they are reacting to the underlying tensions that are ever present in your warzone of a house. This is no sanctuary for them at all.

Your H is no decent role model to his children if he is treating his wife and their mother with such contempt.

Methinks the cannabis has an awful lot to do with his state of mind now if he is not wanting to do anything. Do you think he is now both physically and mentally dependent on this?. He may well be depressed as well but the cannabis has certainly not helped those issues. He is responsible for his own actions here and you cannot take ownership of his issues. My guess is as well that he has been smoking cannabis for years and this has now become his emotional crutch.
Everything else now comes a distant second
and assumes secondary importance. Hence the mess you see now before your eyes.

Thank you for your posts. I'm now crying again. Some of the words posted above are almost exactly what I was saying a few months ago to a friend with an abusive partner. It's really hard to hear them yourself

Even when he didn't wash for months in the spring, he didn't really smell. One of our closest friends (who I know would tell the truth) didn't believe me when I said how long it had been. You know how when you leave hair long enough, it becomes self cleaning? I wonder sometimes if DH is like that. Maybe I'm just acclimatised to it

He was not abused or neglected as a child, we both have a very good relationship with his parents and wider family. They are one of the reasons I'm most scared about splitting up with DH. My family are a total waste of space and his are lovely. If I spilt up with him I will most likely lose all of my family support.

I know if I were to go I should take all the children, but truth be told I'm not sure the eldest would come with me. I'm not going to think about that now as I'm hoping it doesn't come to leaving anyway.

I don't think he's depressed, just that he smokes too much and too often. He has smoked dope for longer that I've known him, over 20 years now. Whenever I try to discuss it he says that I knew he smoked when we got together and that it's not an issue.

I am beginning to worry quite seriosuly about the children starting to smoke when they get a bit older. He did and thinks it's normal.

I'm not sure how much longer I can go on ignoring the dope and pretending it's all ok.

Mrs S

Why can't he be the one to leave instead?.

You have a choice ultimately re him, your children have no say. You're all living a half life now, this is all built on sand.

Better to be alone too than to be badly accompanied.

Even if you were to eventually legally separate it does not automatically follow that you would lose his parents' wider support. After all they would still be your childrens' grandparents. You could still have a civil relationship with them.

He is wrong - the cannabis is an issue and it is tearing you all apart in different ways. By his actions now your H is dragging you all down with him and currently he is succeeding. Look at how you and your children are being affected - your children are likely to be angry and confused by the pair of you.

You cannot change him but you can change how you react to him. You cannot bury your head in the sand any longer, that is no longer an option.

Common scenario that as well to throw the, "well you knew I smoked cannabis when we met" type line at the addicts partner. Unfair on all counts and again that puts the onus on you thus deflecting on to you his own responsibility for his actions.

Perhaps you always thought that when marriage and or children came along he would stop smoking cannabis. Unfortunately as you have seen this has not happened and over the years you've become used to it.

Mrs S

Have a look too as this website:-

www.famanon.org.uk

You certainly need real life support.