Relationship issues... Any help?

[FeelinBlueBooHoo]

Hi there everyone, not really sure what I want to get out of this but a friendly ear would be good enough!
I have a 9 month old DD and live with my DP. We have always had a fairly passionate relationship but for some reason it has slipped by the wayside more recently.
DP thinks it is because I am no longer attracted to him (not true).
What I have come to realise is that it is more to do with the fact that he NEVER takes her off my hands, not even so I can go and get a shower in peace.
DD is going through a bit of a rough patch at the moment - teething, cold, ear infection - one thing after another and as a result I am up for most of the night with her, as well as looking after her during the day and at weekends.
There is no respite.
If I tell my DP that I need more help, he will say it is my own fault as I chose to breast feed her (she is being weaned but has not wanted too much solid food since having a throat infection) and might do a token gesture of a little bit of one on one time but I am left feeling guilty about the circumstances this has come about in and don't enjoy any time I may have.
On top of this, I don't have a job to go back to and DP is starting to nag me about it, saying we should put DD in daycare.
I don't want this. I want to bring my own DD up at least until she is 1 and then I want to think about it.
We aren't struggling for money but I know it really bugs DP that I'm not working (he doesn't like the fact that I am not as career driven as his ex but that is another story - he knew that when we got together and she didn't want kids anyway).
So it's causing a ruckus at home and quite frankly, the last thing I feel like doing is being loving with him.
I really feel like what I want and how I feel is not up for discussion and is certainly in no way near as important as his needs, partly because I have no income.
How can I resolve this?
Any thoughts much appreciated.

hi there, it sounds like a tough situation but the best advice I can give is for you to keep talking about it. Sit down together and work out how you can go back to work (if that's what you want) and when and how this could be practical. He needs to accept that if you're working, childcare and housework will need to be divided more fairly between you.

Rather than wait for him to offer to give you time free, try and just get into the habit of meeting your needs too. Tell him you're just off for a shower, could he keep an eye on dd, for example, or pop to the shops for a few minutes leaving DD with him. The more you do it, the more normal it will become. If you don't get DD used to being left now, it will get harder to separate in future. I learned this one the hard way!

Most important thing is to talk before resentment creeps in. Good luck!

Did you discuss the issue of career with DP before DD was born? What was your agreement? Does DP feel you are imposing what you want on him (i.e SAHM looking after DD) just as much as you feel he is trying to impose what he wants on you (i.e DD in nursery and you WOHM)?

During the first year of any child's life relationships always take a battering. Unfortunatley, men feel and express love through sex much more than women do and if sex dies off then they assume that the woman no longer loves or fancies them. This is one of the reasons men can get depressed after childbirth. This is not how you feel of course. You just feel exhausted and DP is not giving you a break. Have you explained this to DP?

Also, if you are breast feeding it may well be that DP just feels there is really nothing he can do. You do everything for DD because you are there and always have been and unconciously you have not allowed him to help. This is one of the other reasons men get depressed after childbirth. They just feel excluded.

I don't want to read this as somehow crticising you but hopefully it helps you to look at how and why DP might be feeling unhappy.

Seems to me you both need to talk about rejigging the way DD is cared for so you get a break and DP gets to play his part. I think you both need to discuss what the plans for the future are for both of your careers.

This is a familiar situation here on MN - a vicious circle of man not feeling his needs for sex and intimacy are being met, woman knackered and resentful - and the LAST thing we want to do after demanding/ill child is to get close to someone who just seems to demand without helping enough.

I agree with tired - the only way he is going to have any appreciation of what you are doing for HIS child is to leave her with him on a regular basis. Perhaps (being charitable to him), he does not feel that he knows how to care for her and needs more time to bond. Less charitably, the guff about breastfeeding is just selfish and childish. He appears not to realise that you are doing a full-time job.

You also need to say to him : "it really gives me the horn when you clean the toilet"

Good post ABD - especially about some men feeling excluded.

Jamie - I liked and agreed with what you said too.

I do think that sometimes it would be helpful if men got special antenatal classes from other Dads because as you rightly say this issue comes up so often.

Yes - AN classes need to actually focus on what goes on after the birth .......

It takes enormous goodwill, teamwork and maturity to get through the early child-rearing years intact.

Feelinblue - i know just how you feel. I have 3 sons, aged 3, 2 and 8 months. since ds1 was born i have done all the night feeds, apart from 2, DH works an employed job full time, i am a SAHM also working more than full time. You definitly need to nip this is the bud. I love looking after my boys but i have never forced hubbie to spend time with the boys so i can take a bath or go shopping. I plan my day around my boys, in the knowledge that i won't be getting any help.
This is absolutely my own fault, although he could offer to help at the weekend, and rarely does. The boys are at a hyperactive age where they are loud and boystrous, as boys are.
But it is affecting is as a couple. He wants physical reassurance that i still love him, which i don't often have the energy to give.
He doesn't get it, he just takes it as a knock back and gets moody, which makes us worse.

You really must work on this now, don't give him a choice about having your daughter for a few hours, and get some you time, your daughter needs a happy mommy.

Also on the subject of work, if you're financially stable, and want to stay at home then you need to clarify this to him. CHildren grow fast and if you have the desire and ability to be there for as much of it as possible then grab that opportunity, or you'll regret it.

Hope you sort things out.

Thanks for taking the time to reply everyone - I've managed to have a chat with DP about how I have been feeling and although we have discussed it before I suppose I've never felt that he listened properly.

Having written it down on here and seen your responses I think maybe I have a better understanding of how he may be feeling so that should make it easier for us to work together. (Thanks ABD)

No matter what logic tells you, you sometimes need someone else to point you in the right direction!

This morning I asked DP to look after DD while I did a few things around the house, got a shower etc. and he even said he enjoyed spending the time with her (Thanks Tired) and he gave her a bath this evening without me having to ask... aaah progress!

I suppose if that doesn't continue to work I could always fall back on your toilet cleaning suggestion thanks Jamie

Am sorry to hear you are in a similar situation Diddle especially with 3 boys (makes my situation seem like a doddle!) I hope it all gets sorted out for you - I think sometimes our DPs/DHs don't realise that it is the little things that make all the difference - DP giving DD a bath tonight has meant we could sit down and talk about things properly ourselves and have a couple of glasses of wine together (always a good thing!) so who knows what will happen tonight... when I get off here that is!

Thanks everyone xxx

Onwards and Upwards Feelin. ......

THe main thing is that people are still socialised to think that in heterosexual relationships the woman is there for the man's benefit and his needs come first. Because this worldview is so entrenched and longstanding, it comes up even in modern equal relationships, particularly when the first baby arrives and even more particularly if the mother is a SAHM: the man starts to think, on some level, that he is earning the money therefore the woman needs to show her gratitude by doing everything else including being available for sex whenever he gets the urge. You need to step on this worldview when it arises, both parents need child-free, chore free time to do what they want for themselves and no this doesn't mean he takes you out for a meal once a month and then you have to have sex like it or not, it means you get an hour a week at least to go for a walk, see a film, catch up with a friend or whatever.