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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Life is crap and alchohol not really helping!

13 replies

marriedtoafuckwit · 06/12/2009 21:20

Long story short-

Asked H to leave bout 3 weeks ago. Am just bout coping in the emotional stakes but for some reason have just dived down in last 3 days or so.

No idea how to cope with emotions being so up and down all the time. Can just about keep it together when kids about, but as soon as they are in bed i start crying or drinkin (neithr one is really the way forward)

Can cope with the big stuff, solicitor, kids going tosee dadetc, but failing at the trivial stuff - got lost on way to H's new flat ended up in tears.

really need to claw my self out of destructive cycle here.

So much to sort, but cant face it.

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motherlovebone · 06/12/2009 21:28

try and have some nights of off the booze, or halve your quota.
exercise is a great mood booster if you can start something there.
eat healthily.
let yourself cry, it expels toxins and might be just what you need.
and mumsnet lots

i remember some posts from you before, you have seized the day, so well done for that.

GroundHoHoHogs · 06/12/2009 21:36

I think you are being a tad harsh on yourself, it's still very soon for you to expect yourself to have picked yourself up.

For the first couple of weeks you are still on adrenaline, now that is giving way to the reality of life.

Just make a list of things you know you need to sort out and tick them off one by one. Do no more than one of your list a day if you can possibly get away with it. At the moment it's a huge pile of stuff to do, and this is what is overwhelming you I think.

Do you have any RL mates to come and keep you company of an evening? Night times do tend to be the worst for our spirits taking that nosedive. Is there anything you can do to distract yourself at night time and try NOT to fall into tears or a wine glass.

I know that you know drinking is not a good avenue to go down, at the moment it's a coping mechanism, but one to keep an eye on and try not to let it get too much of a habit.

Could you perhaps get some DVDs to watch? A good book? or even knitting.. even if you don't knit, it's very absorbing trying to learn I learned myself stuck in expathell, it was very calming.

Then of course, there is always the most addictive drug of all... Mumset...

Go easy on yourself, it'll be OK, it just takes a little time.

marriedtoafuckwit · 06/12/2009 21:38

I know asking him to leave was for the best but it still doesnt help. It seems like I have to explain everything and he has just buggered off in 2 a new life. I get left with telling school cos kids r upset, varying friends (crap at lying cant just explain his absence - hes at work etc, work cos need extra hours to apply fro WTC, had horrible interview at benefits office etc. He has told 1 person at work and 1 mate whose floor he was sleeping on.

Came up with a gr8 plan earlier, to write all xmas cards just from me and kids and post them to mutual/his friends. Un4tunately that backfired when DD caught me in act and asked why daddys name not on them - BUGGER!

I'm sure life will get better, but have to find a way of coping in mean time that doesnt involve getting pissed!

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marriedtoafuckwit · 06/12/2009 21:55

Groundhohodods

RL mates all have families. Have plenty during day, not so much at nite.They would come round (and have over last cpl wks) if i asked them but feel like I am imposing.

Have been coping as far as Thurs, but from Fri on I took a dive. Am hopeing to come out of it as quickly!

Doesnt help when Dd keeps chucking the " i want to live with daddy/ much beter when daddy lived here" stuff around every time she doesnt get own way.

Parenting skills are sliding too,just keep agreeing to anything for an easy life - that'll backfire soon enough!

Theres still hope, sense of humour hasnt completely gone!

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marriedtoafuckwit · 06/12/2009 21:58

Motherlovebone - think u r rite - really need to cry loads so I am not on verge of tears all day, day in, day out. Darent start incase cant stop though!

Amazing how many people are worried bout me who I didnt think wud give a toss. Really need to get a grip.

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motherlovebone · 06/12/2009 22:13

its early days.
not suprising you got low on the friday, back in the routine tomorrow and you will get into the groove again.
theres nothing wrong placating the kids for an easy life at the moment, like grounds says, dont be tough on yourself.
if you are worried about alcohol, have a look at the AA website.

GroundHoHoHogs · 06/12/2009 22:16

Argh, weekends are tough, really bloody lonely. I remember that from before I came back home here. My email would be utterly dormant from Friday through to Monday, cos everyone was busy having a life, while i was just counting off another day of the expat sentence.

How old are your DC?

My dad left us when we were in our mid-teens, My mum always thought that we couldn't be a family of three, but you know what? we were a family, just a smaller one. I have a better relationship with my mum than I would have done if Dad had stayed. And tbh, dad is soo critical, perhaps it's as well he did leave, cos he can, and still does, say the most idiotic things. In time things will get better, this is the hardest bit.

I know that having to explain things to people must be excrutiating, but you wouldn't have done it, asked H to leave, if it weren't absolutely necessary. Hold on to that thought, and know that it will get better.

Try and pamper yourself on the weekends then, if they are the toughest times, do things for you, things that make you feel happier.

Keep busy for now, you will get through this, your DC will get over it, and when you are happier in yourself, they will see those benefits, you'll be a better and happier person in the long run.

If it helps to cry, go for it, sometimes there is nothing else like it!

IfYoureHappyAndYouKnowIt · 06/12/2009 22:22

It is early days so you will find it very up and down I think. I can relate to what you're feeling although tbh for me, it had got so bad with him there that I felt relieved in many ways.

At the end of the day, although it will be difficult for a while, if you know you've done the right thing I think you'll come through it really well. Stay strong, but also just blubber when you feel like it.

Early days for the kids too and kids will no doubt be up and down, I'm sure Dd will get used to the new world pretty soon and starting behaving a bit differently. In the meantime, so long as you don't give in on everything, agreeing to a few things you wouldn't normally agree to for a short while is just fine.

marriedtoafuckwit · 06/12/2009 22:39

DD is 7, DS is 5. DS not bothered at all, thought he would be worse as he dotes on daddy. DD had no respect for dad when he was here, as "all he did all day was watch skysports" in her words. Now it is her that is most affected.

No danger of any long term alchoholism (my dad is an alchoholic - beginning to understand why now). My parents divorced when I was 6 and I promised I'd never put my kids thro same experience - yet here I am.

Really worried 4 kids as my bro was 4 when it happened to him and he was screwed up for ages.I wasnt as bad (til teenage years) but we had evil stepmother to contend with so not entirely same situation.

DD has gone from the usual shouting of "I hate mum", to "I want to live with daddy". Hopefully this is just a new weapon she has found to annoy me with (works great) and it will tone down soon.

Anyway, apart from half bottle of baileys,there is no booze in house so should be ok for a while. Can cope during week and off to my mums for weekend, so I can booze in company which is socially acceptable!

Think its bedtime....

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MIFLAW · 07/12/2009 13:19

Don't worry about drinking unless it was already a concern for you before this happened. It is a widely used (though depressing and ineffective) coping mechanism and, as long as it stays short term and you keep looking for alternatives, it will be fine.

Just stay safe and look after yourself in the mean time, it's dangerous stuff.

marriedtoafuckwit · 08/12/2009 22:58

Think I have crawled out of the dark pit that was the weekend. Life always seems easier when in the school day routine. Taking kids to see my mum this weekend, so that;ll cheer me up. Next weekend is their first weekend staying with Daddy, not sure how i feel bout that TBH. Part of me looking forward to it, as he will finally learn how bloody stressful it is looking after 2 kids! He always looked after them while i was at work, but was useless. I go to work 7.30am - kids in front of DVD, he gets up at 10, watches sky sports til i get in at 1.30pm. He feeds them but doesnt clear up after. He will have them Fri night to Sun evening - thats a hell of a long time!!
Have a night out planned with friends but that still leaves 2 days, cant remember what I used to do in the pre child days! Still theres always xmas pressies to wrap....

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ginnybag · 09/12/2009 14:00

3 weeks is nothing. Just keep congratulating yourself that you were strong enough to chuck the loser in the first place.

And you know your child's real feelings - 'all he did was watch sky sports' so it's definitely a new wind up mechanism. Ignore, ignore, ignore... as hard as that may be.

Also, how much are you actually drinking? I think the fact that you're worrying about it says you're a long way from being in trouble with it.

As for the weekend... sort out christmas and wrap pressies, (one less stress later on) go to the hair-dressers/nail place/ waxing whatever, (give yourself an ego-boost!) go to the cinema or buy half a dozen good books, (i.e. have real time for yourself for the first time in years!) decorate a room in the house (like your bedroom, so it doesn't remind you of him anymore!)

There's loads you can do...

And then when the kids get back on Sunday evening, order take out, put on cheesy music and have them help trim the house for Christmas. They'll love it and it'll prevent them talking about what they did with Dad all weekend!

marriedtoafuckwit · 09/12/2009 22:33

Great ideas ginnybag - cheers!

Have laid off wine during the week, its hard enough sorting the kids out in the mornings as it is.

Decorating bedroom is going to be first priority when I know that we are definately staying in house.

Off to check cinema listings....

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