no contact with my parents (temporarily atm) - ds asking questions - help!

[TheArmadillo]

I have no contact with my parents atm - this is temporary for the time being but may continue for a while.

Ds (5) is beginning to ask about when we are seeing them and when we are next going to their house. This isn't going to happen any time soon.

I don't know what to say to him. He is 5yo so I am not going to go through all the whys and wherefores. I don't like the idea of telling him we'd had an arguement.

Any ideas on what I can say to him?

Bump.

Tricky one as I'm sure you wouldn't want to lie to him.

Do you have plans for him to continue contact with them even if you don't? Or would you not trust them with your ds?

Unfortunately due to several incidents they cannot have ds alone. Plus it also means I cannot step in and deal with their behaviour and I don't know what's gone on (stuff they tell him which a) a 5yo doesn't need to hear and b) is a form of emotionally manipulating him).

I don't know how long this will continue. It was set up for 3 months but likely to be very little sporadic contact if he does see them again.

I don't mind lying to him over this as I don't want him having to deal with any of the situation. But I also don't want anything to be held against me in the future. I still want to be fair to them (stupidly probably).

In the future he may decide to have a relationship with them himself, which will be fair enough, which is why I am stuck as what to say.

Atm we're doing the 'everyones really busy' but he isn't buying it as much.

I think it's because it's christmas and he will probably not think of it again after that (it's only been since he realised it's christmas recently that he has asked).

If you don't mind lying would it be worth saying they're away for a while?

They have made it impossible for you by treating your DS like that. I don't envy you your position at all. It sounds like you're trying to be the voice of reason in an unreasonable situation.

It's tough explaining to a child without hurting them. There is no right answer here I'm afraid.

Thank you - you have been helpful.

telling him they have gone away is a good idea.

It will also explain the cards they keep sending of which we refuse to read out the contents (thankfully ds can't read yet).

Oh God. Poor you. You don't have to open them if it's too much. Sounds like you need a complete break from it all.

It's actually alot better despite the cards as it's peaceful not having to deal with phone calls visits. Plus am looking forward to christmas.

Also found out I'm pregnant and hoepfully me and dp will be getting married some time next year.

Well an enormous congratulations to you

That's great news. Hope you have a peaceful Christmas, sounds like you deserve one.

Thank you We are over the moon atm.

Now all we need to do is win the lottery and it will be complete

Me too. I'm planning on winning next Saturday.

damn that was when I was plannign it for.

I tell you what if you win next saturday I'll win the one after - ok?

Deal

The Armadillo

First off congratulations to you on your pregnancy.

Your DS is likely about those grandparents of his primarily because its nearly Christmas. Keep any responses to him light brief and airy, do not make a big deal of it.

BTW if they send you cards bin or shred them without opening. Gifts from them can go to the charity shop.

Given their previous long list of toxic behaviours I would actually be thinking of making a complete and permanent break but that is hard to do.

I'm uncomfortable about the idea of lying to a child though. One day he'll find out and may see YOU as the bad person, the betrayer, rather than accepting that you tried to protect him. After all the poor little soul isn't too young to be manipulated by them - maybe he isn't too young to be given a very gentle warning either... but so difficult to pitch it right. Personally I always tried to be honest with mine, but of course with very little detail when they were small. How not to spoil their childhood with fears and cynicism, but how to avoid the nasty shock when they find out that life sucks - well, that's the balancing act innit.

(I never told them that Santa Claus was real either, or that the hamster had "gone back to the pet shop". I am probably a Very Bad Mother.)

Thanks for these.

We are considering making a permanent break atm we are testing the waters. However it has been so much less stress since we haven't seen them. Plus with a baby on the way I don't want it to be like when I had ds. Also they will not be happy when they find out.

I still want to invite them to my wedding day though not sure if it is good idea - it will small - parents, 1 sibling each side and a couple of friends. Those that are there are quite protective of me but I'd can't imagine them not being there, even if I never see them again. Dp doesn't think it's a great idea but is prepared to let me decide (he is fab ).

While I don't like lying to ds, I'd rather give him a vague deflecting answer like we're busy or they're away than start explaining any of this to him. When he's older I will explain what has happened and why I didn't tell him. He's been affected by their behaviour and I hate that. I'd rather keep him far far away from it all. I don't think there is a way to give him a truthful answer without him worrying or getting anxious.

My parents use him as a way to get to me and manipulate me - they manipulate him to get at me. I suppose my reluctance to have him know about any of this is a reaction to that. But I feel he does not deserve to have this put onto him to deal with and that he cannot deal with this.

It is tricky though and I appreciate what you say about him being angry that I lied when he is older. But I do think that for now he shouldn't know and will have to try and explain/face the consequences when he is older.

Hopefully after christmas he'll forget about it again. That sounds terrible to ask him to forget about those he loved and I still feel guilty. But I keep having to remind myself of what I would be exposing him to (physical risks as well as emotional) and the likelihood that it would get worse as he gets older.