Marriage Difficulties

[zestforlife]

Hello I am a 43 year old married with three kids. My problem is my husband is been dishonest regarding our financial situation.
I run the home and buy everything for kids, house husband ect hence I spend the money.

I usually stay in budget however recently have become overdrawn slightly.Having purchased cloths for the kids. I do contribute to the household income however there is a threat of this been cut shortly and I am very worried about this and expressed this to my husband. He got and gets very sulky about money and its like I spend it on myself and our lifestyle is excessive. Believe me we have a very boring social life, bascially we dont go out.

I just dont bother any more, if I dont organize something we dont go out. He doesnt bother ever to book anything. Also for years I would cook dinner on Fri/sat night
bottle of wine candles ect and he would just eat not really want to engage in conversation
and retreat to the telly. I have recently not bothered for about the last month and he hasnt even noticed. So basically I cant be bother either to make a efford.

Anyway back to my problem, my husband is self employed and always gives the impression
that business is just getting by. However
a event recently came about which indicates to me that the company account is more than
good but quite substantial. However he has denied this and look me in the eye and lied.
He knows I worry about money and yet he will not disclose the company finances. I do everything in the house he doesnt lift a finger, and I do everything with the kids also. The deal is he can work from 8am until 8am in evening six days and week and I keep the family together. However he has such little respect for me he can lie to my face.

I am married for 12 years and it has always been like this. I am disgusted and feel like I am shutting down I cant even be bother to talk anymore, or eles it will develope into a arguement and I will come out of it the worst, he is emotional bully and always shouts me dowm.

I could go on and on but the financial situation is whats annoying me now. I have never spoke to anyone about my marriage and feel very nervous writing this.

Thank you for reading this and hopefully I will be able to navigate to find replies.

Take Care.:}

if it were me i'd ask him outright why you can't see the finances and why he lied...

just ask him.....see what he says or what excuse he comes up with.

Oh my goodness how wonderful to have immediate human contact. Thank you so much for your thoughts. I will have a think as to how to go about that without a row.

Sounds like you do really need to find a way to have an honest conversation with him where you can both talk about how you're getting on and you, in particular, can air your views.

The question is, how to get to a point where you can both talk without it turning into an argument - can you find a way to make that happen? Appreciate that it's not easy as I suffered with the same issue with my XH but equally, things aren't going to get any better unless you can talk things through and get to a better place.

Do you want to share any other issues you have with the relationship or just focus on this for now?

I think you probably need to take a less confrontational line - I don't want you to feel you have to say why you think the company accounts are better than he has implied, but could it maybe have been a cashflow thing, you know - paid for job before paying sub-contractors or whatever, so the account temporarily buoyant.

It sounds like there's a bigger picture here about control and responsibility. You may be focussing on a specific financial issue as a way of avoiding that bigger picture, which is fine: it's obviously been a fairly big deal for you to put this out there on the internet, so well done for getting this far.

One thing at a time. See how he reacts if you make some fairly innocuous money statement like "I was thinking [child x] might like to start [ballet lessons or whatever], how does that work with the company finances?"

I've just done the 6 days a week childcare and household running. It's very wearing, especially if your efforts aren't being appreciated.

I'd have major issues with the disrespectful attitude, the lying and the bullying tbh. It's really worrying that you don't even feel you can discuss things with him. Would he consider any kind of counselling with you, or could you go alone to talk this through?

If your immediate concern is the finances, maybe you could get a copy of the accounts or business profile (available from Companies House for a few pounds if it's a registered company) or talk to an accountant in confidence.

I'd really recommend you get a handle on your finances. If it does come to a separation you will need to have as much information as possible to ensure you receive a fair settlement. I cannot stress enough how important this is, going through a similar situation right now.

thank you so much for replies. had to delete my history and didnt know I would delete my message and replies as well!!!!
Maybe you could send again if possible!

just ignore last message your I found your replies. Please bear with me have to get used to navigating this site. thank you

Just for the record i am the sole carer for my special needs brother which is also a big responsibility. This is how i contribute to the household budget I receive carers allowance.