Have just been to a really lovely 18th birthday party and have come over all self-pitying

[FrannyandZooey]

It was so nice, the parents had invited family members, their friends, and the friends of the birthday girl, it went on all afternoon and towards the end the dad made a fab speech about how proud he was of his daughters

i was so happy for her but also terribly envious - my mum ignored me and made me cry on my 18th birthday and the idea of my dad saying anything like that to me, let alone in front of a room full of our family and friends - well it would just never happen

god i am 38, this was 20 years ago
i have come a long way towards accepting this shit but it has popped up and bitten me again today
it's hopelessly self-centred as well isn't it

jeez
sorry but wanting to vent

Don't blame you for feeling crap. Can you turn it around though, and remind yourself that because you've done so much better than that you'll be able to do the parties and speeches for your own DCs?

i don't know
when i start thinking about how shitey my childhood was i worry terribly that i am doing the same to my boys
my mum wasn't malevolence personified, just shite with a load of hang ups dumped on her from her own childhood
i do a fair line in shite myself and i have the hang ups all ready here!

You have every right to feel sad and let down but like PerA said you will do so much more for your own dcs.

thank you it is nice to be told it's ok to feel like this
i feel it is rather egotistical, well, pathetic even, to be almost in tears at someone's 18th birthday, because yours was not so nice
i mean FGS

I can identify with you franny, it is crap

YANBU to feel like you do

I am sure you are doing a better job with your own kids, I know that I am, even though some days I have to "fake it"

Oh franny (nice to see you BTW)
I totally get those feelings of envy, even though you are happy for someone. I had a v happy childhood but my Mum died young (she was 49)and I have never really got over it.w Especially when I see people's mums being grannies etc. Yes, how lovely for them. And how crap for me.

It is a bit self-centred and navel gazey. But it is allowed, I reckon.

(And I am sure you are not passing hangups etc onto your dc.)

well i think i at least have a shed load of self awareness
my mother has ZERO
that has got to be an advance, surely?
i do also try to apologise when i have screwed up
even if i then do the same thing again the next day

thank you all btw, i was half expecting to get jumped on

i just keep going over it now in my head
this is no good is it?
my parents won't change
i am not a child any more
i have a nice family
it doesn't matter

say sensible things to shut my head up please!

you said it yourself

honestly, you have your own family unit now

concentrate on them, and accept it is OK to feel let-down that you didn't have the best upbringing you could have had

upsetting yourself won't change anything, it just perpetuates the shittiness

will that do ?

< resolves to try and take own advice >

< fails >

yes it is more compelling when someone else says it
thank you
will try to relax

lovely to see you franny.

my family would never do anything like that and i think it would make me really uncomfortable too.

can you see yourself making such an event happen? you sound very wistful.

If it helps, I have these feelings too, at people's birthdays, weddings, Christmas. Every bloody Christmas. And I hate that it makes me a scrooge too.

I have no contact with my family (my choice) and get a bit 'poor me' (especially after a few glasses of wine). I would never say that to the people who are celebrating and I too think I'm a bit of an evil cow for thinking it.

I have had 2 miscarriages this year and am spending Christmas with my very lovely, very generous, very fun, very PREGNANT friend. Its hard not to feel that its not fair. But then I would never take away an inch of her happiness. Its such a mxed up emotion, isn't it?

I haven't got my onw 'family unit' yet, and am not entirely sure I wouldn't pass on the same shite that I recieved either!

But you know that its OK to feel like this and perfectly NORMAL! Let it pass and make plans for your fab speech!

For a right old blub AND a chuckle, check out Dawn French's book 'Dear Fatty'. There is a bit where her Dad gives her a great speech just before she went to her first dance with boys. Basically telling her that she was worth a million and not to give herself away to easily to boys who don't realise that. Its so much better the way she says it, but I blubbed and blubbed when I read that. And also thought I'd steal some of it to pass on to my children when I have them!

< hijack >

duke, I sincerely hope you get what you wish for

ps - you can take your lessons that you want to pass on to your children form anywhere you want. From friends with good relationships with their parents, from self help books, from feel good family films....even from Dawn French books!

It doesn't have to be from what you experienced yourself. x

Franny!

I thought your name was a mirage. I have had to peel peaches on my own for a whole day though its prob my fault for extended absence.

I know how you feel. I feel like that whenever my friend sends me picture of their family events with all extended family there looking familyish. I can't even remember what happened on my 18th tbh.

Guad i got sucked in by a poo thread
no that sounds wrong

i can always be counted on to crawl in for a bit of sympathy from time to time
i hope you are ok

thanks all kind and sensible people
x

thank you very much, but i bet my mother's friends thought she was a brilliant mother also

i know they won't change! i know that for sure
i still can't let go of the fact that i needed some stuff that i didn't get
and it's really affected huge areas of my life
waaaaaaahhhh

But you know you have hangups - that's the difference. Your mother wasn't anxious about being a bad parent.

Sorry to hear you're suffering - I would find that sort of party too, would make me a bit mopey.

A poo thread? You? Nice to see you back though.

Hi Avi! Hope your course is going well.