How do I get DH to be more considerate? Any ideas?

[curiositykilledhaskittens]

My DH is lovely BUT he is rubbish at managing the home/work balance. We have a four year old, a three year old and 1 month old twins. He is an IT consultant. He can work from home without inconveniencing work but they are not so keen on him doing this (his boss has a long commute and is jealous). He has just gone back to work this last week and has been getting up, getting breakfast and dropping our four year old at school every morning so I can sleep in till he leaves at 8.45. Grandparents have been picking DS up as I don't drive.

Today when working out the schedule for the next week with his mum and dad he asked if they could take DS on Tuesday and he'll pick them up in the afternoon as he has to go into work in the night and will finish in the morning. I said "Were you going to tell me about this at some point? That means I'll have to get up in the morning and get the children ready? Couldn't you work from home?" he snapped "Well, I've said I'll go in."

I feel very annoyed that he didn't ask if this was OK with me before agreeing to it as it means I'll miss out on a big chunk of sleep that I can't catch up on because I'm breastfeeding and have the three year old to care for in the day and babies that cluster feed in the evenings. This kind of thing happens all the time. It makes no difference to work if DH is in Aintree or at home as his team are in Watford so I'll have things very difficult but it won't be any better for his work. DH dislikes working from home so I suspect he has engineered this situation.

I feel a bit desperate at the thought of the extra work as I'm already struggling with the pressure of breastfeeding twins, caring for a 3 year old, shopping, cleaning and making lunch and dinner everyday. When he comes home on Tuesday he'll likely expect to be able to sleep and so will be no help to me that day anyway.

When I broach these subjects and explain how I feel he gets defensive and annoyed then ends up not going to work and staying at home which annoys work and then does the exact same thing again a couple of weeks later.

Hi cuiriosity, you sound completely shattered . Well done for BF twins BTW!

Sounds like you really need to get some outside help. i.e a cleaner, or someone who can babysit for you. You shouldn't be doing all the shopping and cooking either!

Your DH may well be in a difficult situation. My DH is also an IT consultant who works from home, but he is freelance. As you know, they don't have to be a bum on a seat in an office, but many corporate managers are paranoid about new ways of working. I expect your DH is very worried about not rocking the boat at work right now.

Lots of companies give lip service to flexible working for parents etc. but are actually rubbish, especially in male-dominated areas like IT. He may have been told it's OK to work from home because he has parental respnsiblilites, but he is now experiencing a lot of resentment from colleagues who are used to a long hours "presenteeism" culture.

You could just throw money at the problem and get outside help/ Ocado deliveries/ live on ready meals and takeaways for a few months, but if this isn't an option then tell your DH straight - I will not take on all this responsibility by myself. Looking after your DCs is a 24/7 job with no time off.

Agree with Mrs Flittersnoop. Sounds like you are both working very hard and need to find ways to make life easier for both of you.

If it's not too presumptuous to assume, then if he's being paid quite well then you need to make that money help balance the fact that he's away working so much. Get a cleaner, get groceries delivered. If the 3yo is not already in preschool then send them. Even if money is tight then I would budget carefully to allow for as much help as possible.

And make sure DH gives you a lie-in at the weekend!

thanx everybody.

He's not so much under pressure from work to go in. His contract says his place of work is watford. They had to concede that he could work from home or Aintree when I was pregnant as he put his foot down and we had a tough time with the extra pressure of a twin pergnancy and all the appointments that go with it. From their perspective unless he is needed to supervise someone or check on the servers there is no difference him being in Aintree or at home.

He isn't paid particularly well for what he does but the trade off is that his job is extremely secure. He has recently been promoted, after they had agreed to him being based in the North, and his company is doing well in the recession. He has an e-mail from his boss saying he is no less productive when at home - he is actually much more productive because he doesn't take lunch and tends to start earlier and finish later.

I think the issue is that he actually just likes the break from home and has engineered this situation so he can be at work rather than at home. It might be that they want him at aintree to check something or supervise someone but I doubt this and I can't talk to him about it now because he will flounce and say he won't go, which will annoy work as he told them he'd go, rather than talk to me properly about it.

I actually prefer him to be in the office during the day as he gets under my feet. He doesn't try to shirk responsibilities when he is home. I make dinner because the trade off for him being able to take DS to school is that he finishes too late to make dinner for the DCs so I have to do it. Him making breakfast actually gives me an extra hour and a half sleep most days which is invaluable.

I just want him to talk to me about things. If he is under pressure from work I would understand and he should know this as I've always been really accommodating about his work. I think he doesn't want to talk about it because he feels guilty about secretly enjoying his time away from the house. If it is this then I would understand that and I wouldn't mind at all. I just wish he'd consider the pressure he puts on me, often unecessarily, just by being disorganised and not sensible about planning things with work. He often doesn't provide them with things they need because he's worrying about things.

I'm only talking about one day here too. I don't think it's much in the scheme of things especially when he could go and work at his mum's if he wants the break during the day.

He should have checked, but tbh, having your husband take your 4yr old to school everyday & GPs collect is a lot.

Realistically, how much work would he get done from home?

Perhaps you would also benefit from the 3yr old having some hours in nursery.

Also, how much longer do you really think that your three year old & twins will "allow" you to sleep in so late?

To me it sounds as if he is doing what he can!

Sounds similar to the situation we were in when our kids were small, one had very severe SN, I was working part time as a lawyer and dh worked at the other end of the country during the week.

I threw money at the problem to make it all workable. I had a cleaner, ironing lady, gardener, c/minder and the little one was in nursery. Used babysitters frequently so I could go to karate or out shopping by myself.

It meant that virtually all my salary went on support staff, but it kept me sane.

Do you see any friends/get out at all? Is wanting your DH at home to do with wanting adult company as much as wanting his help?

diddl - sleep in 'so late'?! Gosh, I'm guessing you've never breastfed twins... It is about 100x harder than feeding one! If I don't get that extra time in the morning I am actually exhausted. I'm not actually asking him to do anything more. I'm asking him to actually do the things he has chosen to take responsibility for or to organise someone else to do them if he can't. That's all. I just want him to consider me in his decisions, lumping it on me at the last minute effects everything else I have to do for the rest of the week. Last week I didn't even have time to have a shower until he was home at the weekend.

mumblechum - We have got no spare money. Really everything would work well if he was just a bit more considerate when organising things. I can do all the things which we have decided are my responsibility but it is a fine balance and adding even one extra thing, especially at the last minute, tips the scale and impacts what I am able to achieve for the rest of the week until he is around in the day. It is really a very temporary siuation as the babies are growing everyday and it is really just the frequency of the feeding which is affecting me.

bonsoir - I haven't seen friends but I don't actually mind about that. I'll see them when the babies are bigger. As things are, going out or having time away would be fairly impossible because of the feeding. There's not really opportunity to express and the babies feed so often that I'd be unpleasantly engorged after a very short time. It's not that I want DH at home, when he's here he gets under my feet and drives me mad, it's that I need him to be able to get up with the children in the morning or I struggle on no sleep to feed two babies.

I remember those days, when as you say, one extra job completely messes up your tight timetable (and I didn't even have twins). Are there any child care courses near you that would have students looking for unpaid experience? Could you join Sitters, the agency, as that works out at about £23 for four hours cover?