Separated but living in same house and have started a new relationship

[JaneSays]

H and I have been separated for several months but are still living in the same house. I initiated the split, although we both agreed we had been very unhappy for a long time.

I cannot afford to move out until the divorce comes through, which may still be 6 months away, and H will not move out, as he wants to buy me out of the house.

Anyway, I have started seeing someone else - probably not very sensible, I know. H knows about it and initially said he could live with it but now it is causing all sorts of problems.

I am only seeing this person 1-2 evenings a week at most, don't stay over at his, and am trying to be as discreet as possible.

The situation is pretty intolerable in every respect and I know I shouldn;t be doing this - technically it's still adultery I suppose, and I feel like I'm treating H very badly, even though we have agreed our relationship is over.

If I could, I would move out tomorrow, and I feel totally trapped. Part of me thinks I should stop seeing this person but I really like him and he's being very supportive.

I don;t know what to do

I sympathise but if it is technically adultery, then I would stop. You don't want to complicate things during the divorce. I assume you have kids together and it's best not to aggravate an already fraught situation and end up having a dispute about who is at fault and who most "deserves" the children.

Could your husband afford to pay for you to rent somewhere nearby? Could you come to some arrangement where some of the rent he pays will come off the amount he owes you when he buys you out? It sounds intolerable for everyone. Sorry that you are in this situation.

I don't see how it can be adultery if you've amicably separated?

He was fine with it but in the reality of the situation he doesn't like it then thats surely his issue?

I suppose it depends on how you are conducting the new relationship - in his face is unreasonable but if you are just out on with a new 'friend' its surely ok?

Are there kids involved? Are you expecting to bring the new man to the shared home?

Thanks both for your input. I've tried to discuss the option of me moving out and him paying at least something towards the rent, but he thinks we can;t afford it. I only work P/T and wouldn;t get any housing benefit so it's impossible unless he helps me.

I don't really think things are amicable - he didn't really want our marriage to end, to be fair, even though says he was unhappy, and was prepared to try and work at it, but although very sad about it, I was sure it was irretrievable

So although he said he could live with it, I don;t think he meant it or in reality can;t deal with it.

I am trying hard not to do this under his nose and would never dream of inviting NM to the shared home or involving him with our DC in any way. He is literally just a friend (and a little bit more) - we mostly just go to the pub for a drink or for a meal.

What a difficult situation for you both. I think it's very sad for your husband and I sympathise with him, it must be very hurtful for him if he didn't want your marriage to end. But he isn't really trying to avoid the pain by working with you to a solution to your living arrangements is he? I think if your relationship is over you are entitled to begin a new one.

What kind of problems is it causing exactly? Making your H miserable or is he doing things to make your life difficult? I would suggest you stop talking about your new relationship at all. Maybe agree with your H two nights each a week where the other will be responsible for childcare so you don't have to agree specific times for you to go out, and don't discuss where you're going.

It still sounds a bit soon and, to be honest, a bit of a messy situation. While you may feel fre to date someone else, seeing another man is bound to cause more tension. I don't think it's a great idea strategically or emotionally while you are living together and negotiating a divorce.

I had a similar situation with my divorce, but we didn't have children.

I am surprised about his buying you out of the house. Where are the children going to live? Is he having custody of them? Usually with the courts the primary objective is to cause the least amount of disruption to the DC as possible, so my understanding was that the primary caregiver stays in the house with them and the other person moves out.

In my situation, it just was too awkward for us to keep living together. He was supposed to move out and I was going to get a lodger to cover his half of the mortgage. Then he decided he wasn't leaving, so I moved out (into a cheap shared flat with 2 others) and he got a lodger. The main problem with that was that by default he got a lot of our stuff and furniture because I had nowhere to put it. I got a token amount of money for it, but certainly not what it cost me to replace things.

We were trying to do the 2 years separation so it would be a 'no fault' kind of divorce, but it was just ridiculous so I filed the papers. Things did get ugly. I think they almost always do. Have you filed any paperwork yet?

You have separated, therefore it is none of his business who you have relationships with. Your XH doesn't own you, or have any right of veto over who you see and how you spend your time (as long as the DC are being looked after obviously). However, living in the same house with an XP when one person doesn't want the relationship to have ended is not a good idea. It sounds like he's dragging his feet over the house issue in order to 'keep' you, so you need to look into the practicalities of one of you leaving the house ASAP. Chin up, remeber it's all right to leave a relationship that's making you unhappy. But aclean break is better than dragging it out.