Okay, here goes.....might be a bit long

[thinkingtoomuch]

I really need some objective advice.

Have been married for just over 2 years have been with DH for just over 6 years. We have one dc who is 2.

Bit of background I am not from the UK (not totally relevant now but may become later) dh is British. Met dh all fine and dandy, he is in quite high pressure job good pay but has been severely affected by the recession, I am in people work not high paid but quite stressful, pretty much 9-5.

Dh has always thought that high earning means you are successful, I on the other hand am happy if both of us are working and paying bills etc. He job involves long hours, the rewards are not worth the hours imho but that is just by thoughts. I realise his job is a big part of his life, his self esteem etc.

When organising the wedding dh comes to me and admits that he has been gambling. We get through it or appear to. We basically paid for wedding off his commissions (more of that later). I am glad he came to me, we got through it. He got in touch with support but never attended a meeting as such, I think when he offloaded to me lots of the stress went but......obviously this was his way of destressing!

Couple of years down the road and whilst pregnant with child he admits that he has run up lots of debt in the region of £15k. We are both not overly responsible when it comes to money but this was even for me was a total SHOCK. Whilst I may not plan in the best way for the future I certainly would never have taken out this amount of credit.

Luckily or unluckily his brother was able to pay off debt and we pay him a monthly amount. It transpires that he was taking out loans etc to pay off our wedding which I knew nothing about. I thought they were commissions (naive or what).

So getting to the issue his job has been severely affected by recession. He is earning a pretty good basic and we could actually make it work if he would just be open and honest with me. I worked part time before getting pregnant because I thought he was earning such a good wage. It turns he was earning a good wage but I think he bigged himeself up too much and then felt embarrassed to admit he didn't earn as much as he had been spouting off to me and others.
I would have continued working full time but fwe both felt me working part time would allow us to have weekends to do things before getting married and having children.

His company are on very thin ice, just scraping by. He had to forfeit two months wages whilst I was still on maternity leave (and not being paid) so we REALLY struggled bbut got through it.

My issue is that he is never honest about these issues. He is dishonest to me about what is happening until the point where I practically have to issue an ultimatum to him. I instantly know when something is with him so begin to ask if everything is okay, he denies and then finally it comes out when he cannot stand the pressure.

I still work part time and because of my wage it would not really be worth me working full time due to childcare ccosts...I would if it would get us out of the hole. All of my money is budgeted from my wage so I rely on a certain amount of his wage for groceries and my spending money, but he is always 'borrowing' money from me and then confusing me with all sorts of stories and not paying it back so I have to juggle money month to month despite a clear budget which I am able to stick to.

My point is that we would do okay on both our wages, it is a tight squeeze but we can do it. All I need is for him to be honest with me. This morning he confessed that he did not get paid his whole wage, got paid part and rest coming today. He was supposed to be paid 5 days ago, he had £300 from my account a couple of weeks ago that he was supposed to return to me. I am now £150 overdrawn with no overdraft facility and we have to pay childminder today (which we have now done but have no money for the weekend).

He has borrowed money from someone inappropriate i.e someone he works with that would be a conflict of interest, I found out by reading his emails because I was so suspicious. I was so gutted that he would rather borrow money from this person than be honest with me so that we can work it out together.

I am so devastated, I just don't know what do anymore. I am from another country, I just feel like running home. He is so great in all other respects....I just don't understand why he feels he can't be honest with me around money. I am so confused I am not even sure if I am simply over reacting, or being silly or that I have grounds to be uupset.

He totally puts his head in the ground regarding money issues and I am so fed up of having to organise everything. He goes to work and comes home, I do literally everything else!

I just don't think I can continue doing this, as much as it would pain me to leave I am at the point where I may need to as it is affecting my mental health and the way I interact with our child because of the stress and worry. I understand that he is under an enormous amount of pressure but I am a get up and go person and if faced with a problem I usually manage to sort it out....I can't understand why he won't come to me. Is it me or him, or both of us.

Sorry this is really long, have had a glass of wine and the stress has meant it has gone straight to my head.

Any advice or thoughts much appreciated.

It sounds like he has a massive problem with dealing with money.

The only real way forward is for you to take control of the finances.

I would suggest you insist that he closes his bank account, and informs his work that his salary will be paid to your "joint" account that is only in your name.

DO NOT take out any or keep any credit cards or loans on his behalf or in joint names.

Work out a budget for each month from both salaries as give him a set monthly amount.

For example £50/100 per week in cash at the start of each month, and that's his money to do with as he pleases, but when it's gone it's gone.

You handle all the payments for bills, mortgage, food, petrol, from your account.

Alternatively you could set him up with a pre-pay debit card, that he can use for card purchases rather than carrying around all the cash. They are available from loads of different outlets.

If he refuses to do this, you need to decide whether you can face the lies, out of control spending and misery it brings for the rest of your life.

I'd guess that some will come here now and say that TheUsefulSuspect is asking you to treat you DH like a child. BUT he has proven time and again that he can't handle finances in a mature way and you really need to take some drastic action.

My DPs (who are now retired) got into terrible problems about 16 years ago when my dad was made redundant and it turned out that he had run up £9k of expensive credit card debt, with absolutely nothing to show for it - he'd just frittered it away. My poor mom knew nothing about it as he dealt with all of the household bills. However the hardest thing for her was that he had done the same thing a few years before and she had to really scrimp for ages to get them back on an even keel. He'd promised her up hill and down dale that he wouldn't do it again and that she could trust him in the future. Getting into such a mess for the second time was nearly a deal breaker for her but they managed to move forward with her taking over the finances.

Hope you get this sorted.

I agree with TheUsefulSuspect all the way. Strange that twice today I have written something along these lines, I am not used to it!

Lots of men boast about their salary, sometimes it comes back to bite them!

This is why I handle ALL the family income, to prevent such a mess, dp is totally useless with money, which he freely admits.

I would demand honesty from him, bank statements etc.

Are you sure he has not been paid any wages? I can't see all employees of a firm would be able to stay there after missing 2 months wages.

Gut reaction is that he has gambled it all, sorry.

TTM

Gamblers do not stop just like that and why did he not attend any meetings?. He did not really want to face up to his gambling problem then and probably does not now. My gut feeling here is that the money has been gambled away hence all the debt.

His brother only enabled him by paying off your H's debt; this ensured that your H did not properly see any consequence for his actions. Enabling him like this only allowed his underlying gambling problem to continue.

You will certainly need to consider working along the lines of what TheUsefulSuspect has suggested.

You can contact Gamcare as well; they can help family members of problem gamblers. You need to take some power and control back, this will haunt you for the rest of your days otherwise. It may be that you ultimately have to walk away.

I will put up Gamcare's link for you. Do contact them.

Gamcare's details:-

www.gamcare.org.uk/pages/counselling_support.html

Agree this sounds like a gambling problem and the link is now here for you to get some help hopefully. I think people under estimate the difficulties of over coming gambling addictions. This man might be relieved when he realises you know what is happening. Do hope you can sort things out.

Hi,

Have read the above and agree there seems to be a problem. One word of caution - I have been through a similar situation and would suggest that you don't rush into ultimatums - especially if you love him and want to work things through.

I know your worried but when he gambled last time he told you. He is obviously useless with money but that does not mean he is gambling again. It also seems as though he is under a lot of pressure at work, and if his ego has been dented and he is struggling to admit that he is finding things hard, the approach mentioned may not be the right one, now. Borrowing money and not telling you isn't good, but perhaps he feels that is all he can do to keep things afloat. Accusing him of gambling may be hard for him to take if already under pressure and feeling alone - as men tend to do.

I would suggest setting up a joint a/c and having him put his salary into that to start with. You will see what he spends his money on and this may open things up naturally and prevent him from doing anything stupid.

Listen, the others are likely right and I am only putting up a different view - based on my experiences. Sometimes we think the worst - it isn't alway right -and I hope for you it isn't.

Janine

Hi,

Have read the above and agree there seems to be a problem. One word of caution - I have been through a similar situation and would suggest that you don't rush into ultimatums - especially if you love him and want to work things through.

I know your worried but when he gambled last time he told you. He is obviously useless with money but that does not mean he is gambling again. It also seems as though he is under a lot of pressure at work, and if his ego has been dented and he is struggling to admit that he is finding things hard, the approach mentioned may not be the right one, now. Borrowing money and not telling you isn't good, but perhaps he feels that is all he can do to keep things afloat. Accusing him of gambling may be hard for him to take if already under pressure and feeling alone - as men tend to do.

I would suggest setting up a joint a/c and having him put his salary into that to start with. You will see what he spends his money on and this may open things up naturally and prevent him from doing anything stupid.

Listen, the others are likely right and I am only putting up a different view - based on my experiences. Sometimes we think the worst - it isn't alway right -and I hope for you it isn't.

Janine