anyone else out there with a mum in her 80's and a child at primary?

[ssd]

my mum is depressing me, I know that sounds awful. she's lost her quality of life, drinks too much and generally is quite down. she doesn't want to go out in fact she can't walk so hardly goes anywhere. my 2 are under 11 and are really busy and I find it so hard to fit in my mum. I have siblings but they live miles away and have removed themselves emotionally from mum years ago, they rarely visit. I'm the only relative nearby.

I need/want a mum who lifts me a bit/helps me out a bit/ mothers me a bit, but I mother her now and its all about her all the time

none of my friends get it, they all have mums who help out/visit/chat on the phone

I feel so lonely about this, I'm carrying it all and no one knows/cares

she has help for a half hour a day from the council but TBH the girls who come are crap

its just all shite really

it is flib

We were lucky, my mum could afford to pay someone to help me look after her in the last few weeks when I had been seriously run ragged. A friend who was unemployed would come every day for about 4 hours and keep her company, clean a bit, sort out her liquid intake etc etc. They knew each other already, and got on like a house on fire.

You may find that there is someone at the church who could help you.

I don't attend our local church, but one of my friends does. I have had no end of cards/messages offering help since our spate of deaths. We are too ragged and tired to accept or act on any of them but I am getting to the point where I will be able to go down to the church and talk to someone.

You could ask, without being a church-goer. It's a christian thing at least.

thanks jux

TBH we aren't church goers at all

mum could do with someone to pop in on a friendly basis but everyone we know/knew that could have done that is either unwell and unable to do so or hundreds of miles away (or passed away..)

there is one woman I've been trying to get in touch with but she's moved and I think she works a lot, but I'd willingly pay her to visit mum now and then

I guess this is what happens when families are all spread round the country, there's no support when you need it the most, when your kids are young or when your parent is old, unfortunately some of us have it all to cope with at once, although as you are saying, not having it all to cope with is heartbreaking IYSWIM

ssd - I am sorry you are going through this - its always hard especially at this time of year - I just want you to know you are not alone....... so can I have a RANT on your thread?!!!!!!

My Mum is almost 80 and has been trying to find something wrong with her for the last 20 years! she's had every test under the sun, they can find nothing wrong apart from depression but suddenly her legs just arern't working, she's had a lump cut out of her neck (a mole under local anaesth), bad back, bad bowels - oh the list is endless...
I shouldn't complain, I love her to bits and always try and be supportive.... BUT

She's never been a Mumsy Mum and has no interest in her grandchildren whatsoever. My kids and nearly 8 and 6 and they last saw her last May when she invited ME to lunch (not them but hubby was away...) on my birthday... (before that it was before last Xmas!) then this Christmas invited my brothers and their partners, me and my stbx husband for Sunday lunch - but were all told no kids!!!! This is the Sunday before Xmas and I just wondered what the hell she expected me to do with them! So I kicked up a bit of a fuss, she backed down, but wouldn't let my nieces and nephews attend (all between 13-18 and ones having her 18th the day before) so its all blown up and now no-one is invited......... because she's old and can't cope. fair enough, but I'd offered to travel up the night before, cook the meal, clean up....

THEN she relented and said they could come. So I fixed it up.......then she couldn't remember the conversation at all and said NO again - so its all off again!!!!!!!!!

AAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

I feel just like you when I see close families, Mums and daughters..... and I'm probably a bit raw because I lost my only daughter when she was 2. So having my nieces there for a family meal would have been the next best thing... I'm forever making exscuses to my boys about how frail she is but she's not that bad - just selfish. If her grandchildren are there, then her own children won't focus on her - she won't be the centre of attention and that will annoy her!!

Like I said, I love her because she's my Mum. But I feel so lonely and unsupported by her - especially as I'm also going through a divorce. I so hope I do so much better for my boys!

Rant over

SSD - I think its a generation thing - do you? Keep your chin up.

oh violet, I'm so sorry for all your going thru! that must really hurt when your mum is being like that, its just her being attention seeking isn't it! and I'm really sorry you lost your dd when she was 2, that must be heartbreaking

rant away, I say things on here I'd never admit to anyone in RL, it feels good to write it down sometimes and have your feelings acknowledged by someone elase in a similiar position. all of my friends with kids have much younger mums and they just can't understand my frustrations and guilty feelings, not to mention how how much I could cry when I see how much help and support they get from their mums then I feel guiilty again for feeling like this

Its natural hon - I so get what you are saying. My Mum has a history of drinking too and over the years we've tolerated/got used to her (selfish)ways. She's always been in denial so we all kind of gave up trying to help/fix her...

On the upside I've managed to get her to come to panto with the kids and me. It means a 2 hour drive but I till continue to plug away!

Felt so much better after my rant though!!!!

enjoy your panto

I have just finished a two week battle with my mum. She is only 73 but until last week hadn't seen a GP for 23 years. ( And that was due to "nerves".) She is very very fat, can hardly walk and has hugely swollen ankles. There's loads of other stuff, like rotten teeth , eczema, indegestion, frequent tummy upsets, fatigue etc etc
After a most horrible fight I got her to the Dr's and even had to hold out her arm so he could take her blood pressure. He prescribed pain killers for her possibly arthritic knee, but we were too late in the day for a blood test. He arranged a district nurse to call in to take a blood sample and do another blood pressure test. Well she has done a complete number on my Dad, crying and carrying on, so this morning he telephoned to cancel the district nurse (and me!) I went to their house anyway and staged a quiet sit in. The district nurse hadn't received the message and my mum just told her to get back in her car. So that's it. I've tried being nice, caring, understanding, angry, emotional blackmail everything. My sister is supportive to me ( lives an hour away)but is acting the role of good policeman to my mum so that she only needs to be vile to me and we still have a communication route. I suspect my mum is depressed and has been for a long time, but she is extremely stubborn and refuses to be helped. "I just don't want it" is the only reason I can get. I'm going to let the dust settle for a bit as I'm worn out and have my own family to look after, but any suggestions as to my next move would be greatly appreciated. At the moment the strategy is to just wait for an accident or worse. Heart attack or stroke are the ones that keep me awake at night. I always wonder what I am going to find when I approach their house. I really hate upsetting my mum and don't really do conflict, but had a window of opportunity and had to go for it. At least the GP now knows she exists.