What happens in/to friendship groups when there is an affair?

[Quink]

So, our situation: We are a group of 12-14 friends, mostly couples, people who socialise regularly, some are closer than others. About 6 months ago one couple split up acrimoniously because the man had been having an affair with one of the single women in our loose group of friends. The fallout has been hard, particularly on the female of the (now ex) couple, obviously. He has moved not far away and is now in a relationship with the OW. Since the split he and his gf have kept their heads down, not socialising much, but they seem to have decided to start socialising more. This is very difficult for his ex who can't cope with the idea of seeing them together. Personally, I don't want to socialise with them at all, but I know that other friends feels differently and are seeing them. But this is hard for my friend (the ex) to deal with.

So my question is, what happens in these situations? Should/do friends take 'sides'? Should/are friends 'loyal' to one party and shun the other? Or should you be neutral? With Christmas coming, there are a lot of get-togethers being planned: does just one party get invited? Or invite both and let them decide what to do? I really feel for my friend that she might be put in a situation where she won't go to a social thing just in case they are there - why should she have to stay home?

Thoughts, experience, advice...all welcome!

Well overall an affair is wrong and H and GF ought to know better than to expect to be welcomed with open arms especially if the wronged wife is part of same group. But depends on the state of their marriage.

I don't accept an affair in any circumstances so I am with you on this one.

Thankyou, that's what I think. But I feel as though I'm in the minority. What concerns me is that I know that a couple of people that my friend (the female ex-p) is close to and has confided in, are socialising with her ex and his gf and she doesn't know. This is putting me in a difficult situation because I DO know and I think it's wrong, but is it my place to tell her? I'm not sure that it is. One of these people told me they intended to tell her, but they haven't.

For info, the relationship wasn't great, but they had been together a long time and have two children. And the OW/now gf was (meant to be) a friend of the woman. (Right this is getting confusing: A is my female friend; P is her now ex-partner and X is the OW/gf.) A was with P, they have two children; he is now with X who was supposedly a friend of A's.

I think you should support the wife but no one can tell someone else who they can see.

No, Fab, you're right, of course they can't. But is there really no loyalty among friends? Does A have to accept that the people who have sat with her and hugged her and listened to her cry are now off having a laugh with the very people who treated her so badly?

I have had experience of this. My exH and I only ever socialised with his friends and so inevitably I became good/best friends with the wives/girlfriends of ex's friends. Ex had an affair with a friend of one of the girlfriends, who was loosely part of our group.

We split up because of it and all the other women were horrified at first, the men just took the attitude of 'but he's still our mate'. Needless to say I got pushed out and the OW took my place in the group.

Believe me I really found out who my true friends were.

I think you can´t expect the whole group to shun the new couple.

Some were perhaps more friends with the husband, & want to stay friends with him& not the wife?

Just because you are friends with the wife doesn't mean you can't be friends with the husband and whoever he is shagging. You can be friends with someone while not supporting them in what they have done.

Oh mampam Did none of your friends in that group stay your friends?

Diddl - maybe you're right.

It's difficult, since there are a number of couples there are lots of different dynamics. Some of the DHs are better friends with him (P), and their wives are better friends with her (A). I suppose what really sticks in my throat is that A doesn't know what's happening and I think she'll be upset to find out.

I think that's the crux of it, Fab. Can you really do that? If you're friends with someone doesn't it condone what they've done? Are you still a good friend to the other party if you're 'fraternising' with his ex? Does she have the right to feel let down?

I'm really at sea with this.

I have 2 couples who were friends who have split up, managed to stay freinds with both but over the years have naturally drifted towards wife in one cuple and husband in the other.

I do think it is wrong to be judgemental about the situation when you might not know all about it. A similar siruation happened in our social circle some time back. There were several couples who were very good friends of ours because one or other partner in each had been at school with DH ( mixed school, so some M & some F) Need some made up names now. DH's school friend Mick was Married to Emma and his very best friend ( and our best man) George, lived with Amy.
Both couples seemed a bit ill suited and eventually Mick ran away with Amy and George and Emma were left as singles.

Whilst we did all try to keep friends over a period of time Mick, who is a larger than life very sociable person, did best at having support of the group and Amy remained liked by all. George carried on seeing everyone on separate occasions and Emma moved away and lost touch with the group. Aftersome years George and Mick buried the hatchet - really when George married a lovely lady that everyone liked and so now we are all happy together again, except that Emma is really just for a Christmas Card exchange friend.

Our experience as a group was that the people who are most popular will stay with the group, no matter what, and the ones who are least attached to it will be edged out... and that time heals everything. Mick and Emma are now on friendly terms again, she had a serious illness and he was very supportive to her.

My oldest friend had an affair and is now divorced. I didn't know about the affair until after she separated. Doesn't stop me being her friend.

It is difficult, especially if you feel one or other of the people having the affair has behaved badly towards their old H or W (which they nearly always have IME!)

I'm very happy to be judgemental about people who have affairs and leave their children, but others think differently and as in higgle's story, the person on the edge of the group, usually a woman like Emma will easily get eased out, while the group re forms. I, personally, dislike the way this happens, but have to accept it does.

Have you ever seen the film, The Four Seasons', starring Alan Alda? I think it deals brilliantly with complexities of this situation.www.amazon.co.uk/s/ref=nb_ss_6_16?url=search-alias%3Daps&field-keywords=the+four+seasons+dvd&sprefix =the+four+seasons

My best friend slept with her brother in law. It was a nightmare as we were all a very close group of friends that had grown up together since school. I stayed friends with my BF, I didn't condone her behaviour but I couldn't end our friendship as I love her too much.

It took time and luckily her exDP met someone new and he made up with his brother so things have settled down. It helps that the BIL moved abroad so he's not around much.

It's a minefield. I just didn't get too involved in the politics. I guess it helped that BF and her BIL were so mortified they got caught out they never spoke again.

My lovely ex boss confided to me that she caught her husband and sister in law actually having sex ! after a party when they had all crashed out.
She forgave them both , and they still socialise.

I hope it was the husband's sister in law and not the wife's sister in law.