Should I tell DH I cheated before we were married?

[1757]

My DH and I have been together for 10 years and happily married for 5 of those years. We have 2 beautiful children

I have an awful relationship with my emotionally abusive parents which resulted in a serious lack of self esteem for a long time

When DH and I were about 21/22 we lived with an old school friend of DH and his partner (this was obviously before marriage). The old school friend made passes at me and because I was flattered I relented in weakness and kissed him a couple of times whilst very drunk. It didn't go any further physically but I suppose there was an emotional 'affair' going on to some extent as well.

Needless to say the friendship didn't work out. We moved out after a fall out and haven't seen them since

I am in therapy now because of my parents and whilst I am responsible for my own mistakes I am pretty sure this came about because of low self esteem. I didn't love the other guy and have always loved my DH. I am racked with guilt because my DH doesn't know what happened and that this is probably the reason the friendship broke down. He knows his friend flirted with me and I did tell him once that we had kissed, but my DH and I were very drunk so it was never really discussed properly.

I also feel guilty about said friend's partner with whom I was supposed to be friends. I potentially ruined relationships just to boost my own self esteem. I didn't just want my DH looking at me, I wanted other guys to look at me as well

As I said we have been happily married and I have matured since then. I would never cheat on him now and have never looked at anyone else since. The therapy is helping me deal with my parents.

Should I tell him? Would it be just to relieve my guilt? I know I was wrong and utterly selfish but I truly believe I have changed since then

This happened 9 years ago but I still feel shitty

Forget it. What you did is in the past, there is nothing to be gained from telling him, and much to lose.

What you did was not so bad, let it go and forgive yourself. The future is what is important.

There's absolutely nothing to be gained by telling him. Forget it and move on.

What good would telling him do? If you only want to tell him in order to get it off your chest to make yourself feel better, I really don't think you should do it. Forgive yourself and move on.

You've told dh, albeit when drunk, and if it was a big deal to him he would have raised it. I really don't see the point or need to 'confess' to something very minor in the scheme of things, especially 10 years down the line. Dh might think it odd you still dwell on it. Focus instead on your relationship with dh and getting the most from your therapy.

1757, I agree you should forget it. Discuss it further with your therapist if need be. Technically you have already told him anyway, albeit whilst you were both drunk.

I was reading a novel recently (title etc irrelevant) but there is a passage where the female character who is mixed up for lots of reasons ends up kissing her exdh whilst drunk.

Her wonderful (current) dh stumbles in on the scene. He acknowledges to the exdh (who is gloating) that he is aware the kissing happened. He then says something like he is well aware that his dw has self esteem issues and needs support etc, he knew and accepted that when he married her. Basically he takes the side of his dw and tells the other man to get lost as he has taken advantage.

Ignore this post if it sounds too waffly! btw.

I think I will discuss it with therapist. It has all come back becuase my parents are narcissists and I think I learned some of those traits. I felt inherently low about myself. I also feel the other guy had major issues and was always jealous of dh. We were both essentially using each other for a self esteem kick

I feel bad that they didn't remain friends when they were old school friends. However my DH has said he isn't missing out on much. That this friend always used to flirt with his girlfriends. It is maybe better that we don't see them.

1757 I have had old friends such as the ones you describe. There can be an unhealthy emotional attachment with such relationships. However they are a part of your identity which makes it hard to let go or makes you think favourably about the past.

I guess in your case after having had a difficult upbringing, these friends represented some security and "normality" in your early twenties, in that they didn't mess with your head perhaps as your parents did. (sorry if I am on the wrong track here)

possibly. I don't think it was a healthy friendship for us and maybe it is better we moved on.

I just feel there is always this dishonesty in my marriage to my DH. We are so open about everything else. Maybe my DH has parts of himself he doesn't reveal. I am presuming he has never cheated but I do know a work colleague once flirted with him at a Christmas party (when I was there!). Shit happens I suppose and we are all weak at times. I do feel our relationship has moved forward since the children though. We are much more mature and more of a team. I can empathise with him a lot more and see his side. I was essentially quite selfis when we first got together. I think I wanted him to give me the kind of love my parents should have. So I treated him badly at times to see if he would still stay with me

1757 I can identify with some of what you are saying. My dh is the first balanced relationship I have had. I treated him badly in the early days. I feel bad about this now but I realise (even though I was responsible) it was due to past emotional issues and a very unhappy upbringing.

Like you, our relationship has moved forward since the children, and we are more mature. Also I have learned to trust him. To be brutally honest I avoid any situations where I may be tempted to cheat (I never have) as I know this would be risky for me.

From what you are telling us, there is no dishonesty.

noooooo

whatever for ? What will it achieve ?

what you supposedly did doesn't even sound that bad

forgive yourself, move on

it sounds to me as if it's the mere fact that you did it that's bothering you, not actually the fact that dh doesn't know.

i'm sure if you told your dh he would understand straight away. if you want that forgiveness then tell him.

but the person who needs to forgive you, is you. whatever ideas you had when young about wanting every man in the room to find you attractive and not quite knowing how to say no when a man you liked made a play for you is really common.
I would say it's shared by all but the most self assured among us.

let it go, leave it in the past where it belongs.

all the best!

Thanks guys. I have moved on now. I mean don't get me wrong I would still be flattered if another man looked at me but I wouldn't actively seek it IYSWIM (flirtatious behaviour). In fact I have lost the knack! As long as my hubby finds me attractive that is enough now.

I think I lived in this picture perfect bubble world for a while. Everything had to be perfect and this mistake of mine didn't fit in with that. I realise now life is a series of good decisions and mistakes.

It is funny because although I was tempted to cheat (although never went as far as sleeping with someone) I just presumed DH never so much as looked at another woman. I absolutely trust he has never cheated but I would not be angry if he had been flattered by attention from a woman. I suppose we all have moments of weakness when our vanity gets the better of us.