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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Messy divorce-continued :)

9 replies

iva555 · 02/12/2009 23:04

Hi everyone,

me again .....just read an article on the ineternet about how horrible mumsnet is but I must tell you all that you are all amazing and thank you all for your support. Anyway to the point now
Basically am sticking to my guns....like many of you said. I have a question though. I can't discuss this with my solicitor as am on legal aid and he is very short of time
If i get sole residency (which he assures me i will), do I need to ask him for permission to go on holidays with DD etc. You see my whole family is in Bulgaria and it has been a normal part of Nia's life to visit her grandparents in Bulgaria every summer for a month or more. Basically he just has contact with her once a month, do I need to ask him for permission?

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PerArduaAdSolInvictus · 02/12/2009 23:09

As far as I know, if you're not interering with his access arrangements (ie making him miss a day) then you don't even need to tell him.

How about making a list of questions, and points you want the solicitor to be aware of, and writing to him? He might find it easier to respond in the time?

Or you could maybe see if you can find a better solicitor...

iva555 · 02/12/2009 23:13

sorry PerArduaAdSolInvictus what do you mean by (making him miss a day?)
as far as my solicitor is concerned...he tells me we are only dealing with the divorce now! We will talk later about other issues when we come to it.

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PerArduaAdSolInvictus · 02/12/2009 23:15

Well, if the trip is arranged for a time when your X wouldn't usually expect to see DD, AFAIK you wouldn't even need to tell him about it.

iva555 · 02/12/2009 23:24

well he sees her once a week so if i go for a month i will have to tell him i guess.

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iva555 · 02/12/2009 23:27

the thing is I have no family here except my sister and he knows that and he is scared i will try to go back home for good and take my DD with me. He told me that!!!!! My daughter was born here but she also has a bulgarian citizenship. I have not thought of going to live in Bulgaria....but you never know in life whta can happen. I have suffered so much with him that I no longer care about what he wants or feels.

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veryconfusedandupset · 02/12/2009 23:28

Usually when a residency order is made there is an express clause that the child must not be removed from the jurisdiction of the court without permission.

iva555 · 02/12/2009 23:32

i didn't get that....what do you mean a residence order? A residence order for me to live with my child or what? Or he has to apply for it? Or you mean I can't take her out of the uk on a permanent basis?

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PerArduaAdSolInvictus · 03/12/2009 12:10

A residence order is made by the court where there is a dispute between two parents as to who should have residence - custody - of the child. It will include stated times for access by the non-primary carer.

You are the primary carer for your DD, so you would have residence awarded (unless things went very odd indeed)

However, a residence order will only be made by the courts when there is a dispute over residence/access arrangements. Where the two parties can come to an amicable agreement, there will be no need for the courts to get involved.

This agreement can be part of the divorce arrangements - you can state the standard times when your X will have access to DD - once a week or whatever - and also what arrangements will be made when things change - if for example he wants to see her on Christmas day, or you want to take her on holiday - would you let him make up the missed time before and after?

It's worth putting a schedule together for him to see, and phrasing it as reasonably as possible, so that he can see that you're prepared to work with him to let him see his DD (whatever your feelings on the matter).

If however you believe that he presents a real risk to her, you should be taking more advice on this. It is incredibly hard to get a 'no access' order except where abuse is proven (and even then often there will be access mandated by the court) so you want to avoid him taking you to court over residence if you can, as once there's a formal residence order you both lose flexibility.

But I have to tell you that I am not a solicitor - write to yours, and put all of your concerns down for him, so that he can arrange the divorce in the most secure way for you and your DD?

iva555 · 03/12/2009 20:19

thanks, i don't mind him seeing her and having contact with her. He has not mentioned that he will want residence but you never know. Will see how it goes!

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