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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

lone parents thread is terrifying

58 replies

LovinSealcracker · 02/12/2009 21:07

Do you ever read it? Its bloody tragic.

OP posts:
LovinSealcracker · 03/12/2009 10:30

Trinity that is just bloody terrible. I am so very sorry. I posted you some stuff (sheets etc) by the way but didn't know what had happened to you.

I agree nickname - that lots of the lone parent threads are about vile exps. Since my H is not in our lives at all I don't know why I find them so distressing to read. I think I am afraid he may come back one day.

Trinity, are you coping ok? You must be grieving as well as trying to look after your dcs and help them through this. Do you have family to lean on?

When my xh disappeared it was overnight and like a bereavement too, but I was left with anger and terror as well as deep sense of loss and failure. I hated him for leaving ds with no father. I was also glad he had left as he was a shit husband.

There is a bereavement thread somewhere too.

I sometimes just need to tell people that I am terrified and overwhelmed and sometimes drinking too much and have someone say 'LovinSeal you are doing very well. Don't panic.'

Pathetic really

OP posts:
TrinityRhino · 03/12/2009 10:37

thanks lovinsealcracker

I have been on bereavement threads which realyy help

I guess I dont know what to say in LP

I'm just terriied by the responsibility that is now ALL mine

terrified that they now only have one parent when three months ago that had two and we were happy
we were forever
we had been through some shit times and we were stronger if anything

colditz · 03/12/2009 10:38

Trinity don't be nobby. You'd be welcomes with open arms - why wouldn't you be?/ You face many of the same issues as the parents who are alone through other circumstances, and why shouldn't you benefit from support? It wouldn't occur to me that you wouldn't be welcome.

You are welcome.Please join us!

cestlavielife · 03/12/2009 10:41

trnity i am so sorry for your loss. now that IS tragic.

if you avhe any LP queries post in LP - not all threads/everyone is ex bashing...

lovinseal - sounds like you are doing pretty well - and worrying about what "might" happen is, well not worth worrying about.

like others, being LP is far preferable to having to look after extra child. i ahve 3, ds1 has autisma nd severe lds (13), dd1 9 has coeliac and needs special diet but by and large this is amangeable, dd2 is 7.
they doing great!

we still imapcted by exP but have now got court ordered contact to minimum.
but even that he cannot make and reverts to the whiny moany i cant do it...last night contact was 6 - 7.30 after school, i had carer in place to take them to him he lives round corner. we heard nothing til he called 6.20 pm - "it is raining, i dont know what to do, can i come round.." "no you cannot come round [last time he was in my house in august 2008 he smashed it up] , you should have called earlier, prepared their dinner, now they are eating dinner here it is too late".. "why are you so angry, i am on anti depressants you know" ...

that too is TRAGIC - that a 47 year old adult who has gone so far as to get anti-D's from his GP cannot actually seek out the other help he needs to function as a human being and provide a simple dinner for his children in his own house (eg therapy, counselling) .

no i dont think LP forum is tragic - much inspires - neither is being a LP - but certain situations are tragic.

cestlavielife · 03/12/2009 10:42

tragic that i cannot spell tho - sorry.

TrinityRhino · 03/12/2009 10:43

thanks colditz

LovinSealcracker · 03/12/2009 10:54

Trinity at first I felt exactly the same about posting in LP - like my circumstances didn't warrant help somehow, but also because it was all so sudden; it has taken me a long time to actually FEEL like a lone parent - ie, he disappeared so suddenly and overnight that it took months to accept he was no longer here. Maybe similar feelings for you?

As it sinks in, the terror and fear of not coping or getting into debt or losing DS too (at first this was very real - I did not let him out of my sight for weeks and had him in bed with me/slept on floor next to his cot - as I thought he might disappear too.

I should probably post there now though. But it has taken me 18 months to feel REAL about being a LP (hard to explain)

hugs to you. It is very hard and I hope you are getting support everywhere - in RL and on here...Are you dreading christmas? I found all the first 'anniversaries' after he disappeared very difficult but have been through them all now and am not so afraid of them. Christmas last year was awful. I made sure I had friends on standby or actually staying with me, on the 'big' anniversaries like our wedding anniv, xmas, ds' birthday, xh's birthday etc..

i am looking forward to xmas this year
sorry if I am not helping talking like this. Big warm vibes to you.

OP posts:
TrinityRhino · 03/12/2009 10:59

you are helping

I am so so scared that xmas will just make me cry tears that I can't stop

I have to do christmas just like we always did and mention daddy and be happy for my children but its hard

dds2 and his gf live with me and they help alot

his gf loves xmas and so thats going to help
I dont have to find all the enthusiasm iyswim

OrmIrian · 03/12/2009 11:01

What a strange OP

Were you trying to express sympathy? I hope so.

I sometimes think I'd be better off alone - life would be easier in some ways - but they I think of the task of raising my 3 alone, with the teenage years approaching fast, and I thank God for DH. I don't think anyone approaches lone-parentdom lightly.

OrmIrian · 03/12/2009 11:01

Ohhhhh.... I see

TrinityRhino · 03/12/2009 11:03

do you want to know what else I worry about being her on mn?

I think everyone is pig sick of hearing about us now and what has happened

lighthouse · 03/12/2009 11:06

I do it on a temp basis sometimes while DH is away and work full-time, it is bloody hard work being alone.

lighthouse · 03/12/2009 11:08

TR what has happened to you?

TrinityRhino · 03/12/2009 11:09

neil, my dh, was killed in a car accident on the 24th of Aug

lighthouse · 03/12/2009 11:12

Awww mate! thats terrible, so so sorry. Peeps on here are always good for a chat.

I cannot begin to imagine what you must be going through, hope you have plenty of support from other people family etc..

TrinityRhino · 03/12/2009 11:19

thanks lighthouse

lighthouse · 03/12/2009 11:24

I don't think it will matter what anyone says to you at the moment as it is probably still too raw for you.

I think you will just learn to cope in your own way.

I think I would probably just shut myself away if it was me, you sound like you are being very brave about it all considering you have 3 young children.

The most important thing for you now is to concentrate on yourself and babies, sod everyone elses problems, try and get as much help as possible and support.

NicknameTaken · 03/12/2009 11:33

Srsly, I wouldn't worry about people on mumsnet getting sick of you. If someone really doesn't wanted to read, they won't click on the thread. Sometimes we all need to have our hands held for a bit, and God knows, you've plenty reason.

Watchtheworldcomealivetonight · 03/12/2009 11:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BalloonSlayer · 03/12/2009 11:52

OP, are you UA?

LovinSealcracker · 03/12/2009 14:32

Trinity, I worried about that too (posting too much). I posted constantly to start with, as I couldn't face going outside my house for a few months. I had very little RL human contact really apart from DS and he was 6 months.

I had to go out of course, to sort out legal and financial stuff but it was terrible. I couldn't look at men's faces; I had man-phobia as my 'man' had done something so bloody traumatic to me. I didn't trust anyone. I bumped into other mums who had been in post-natal groups and had to explain what had happened. I cried so much and lost stones in weight.

I poured it all out on here (as well as ringing my friends..all my best friends live far away) and nobody got sick of me. Or if they did they didn't ever say so.

I was in physical pain the terror and shock was so bad. But people on here had ideas for calming me down. They said many, many things that helped me tremendously and still help me now.

I needed MN so much. If just one person on here had been even a bit off with me it would have been very difficult to cope with but they were all what I called 'ethereal angels.'

The people that supported me and stuck with me through it all on here had often been through similar trauma and come out the other side. They had invaluable advice but also - as another poster just said - they sort of held my hand. They promised me I would survive. Said I would feel better eventually. Silly things like that.

Never be afraid to post. Middle of the night, (god knows I did as I had chronic insomnia for three months) or whenever.

At least that is my experience of MN in a crisis.

I had a shit night last night which is why I posted the (misconstrued) 'lp thread is tragic' at the beginning of this thread. Shit nights/evenings are so much fewer now though.

Your terrible trauma and loss only happened three and a bit months ago. That is nothing. You are doing well to just be able to switch a computer on and write anything frankly.

I needed people to help me literally put one foot in front of another. What should I cook ds for tea? How do I get rid of this huge knot in my stomach? I cannot turn the car around without having a panic attack...

Honestly, I never thought I would stop feeling so damn terrible. I was still a 'wife' too which hurt and was unfathomable.

I think if we can survive these sort of experiences then we must be quite strong. But I needed a LOT of BIG help to do it.

I am burbling now but I do hope it is of some comfort. You will cry at Christmas most probably. Just go with it. You wouldn't be a sentient, loving human being if you didn't cry.

Balloon

trying to put that old persona behind me and be the new Proper Lone Parent! And not get so bloody afraid of that. Last night I had a big wobble! The pissing, permanent rain doesn't help.

OP posts:
Lemonylemon · 03/12/2009 14:46

Trinity I really wouldn't worry about not being welcome on the LP thread.

As regards Christmas, this will be my third Christmas without my lovely man. Unfortunately, it's a case of gritting your teeth and getting through the first one and then you can start to think about doing things your way and starting little traditions if you want to.

If you want to cry at Christmas, then do so. You're still in the raw stage, be kind to yourself and don't expect too much of yourself. I shall still be crying on and off and that's the way it is.

I don't post on the LP thread myself as I feel "what can I say?" My daughter's Dad is dead (2 years). My son's Dad is dead (5 years) - it feels like my experiences are so different from other people on that thread. At least I don't have to put up with an abusive exH/P or have the frightening thought of court/CAFCASS etc.

But I know that's not going to make you feel any better.

LovinSealcracker · 03/12/2009 14:59

Lemony that is just it. We don't have terrible xps to deal with and they obviously cause such misery for many lps on the lp thread. My heart goes out to them. I get sad and angry on their behalves reading the posts, as well as lucky that I don't have an exh causing havoc.... and then, well, gutted on Ds's behalf that he has no father at all, not even one that is horrid to me but maybe good with him?

Trinity lemony is right. It's a major case of teeth gritting, reaching out for support and going with the emotions. If you cry you cry, if you don't then don't feel guilty about that (I felt guilty when I started to feel less miserable - as though I was a shallow person for feeling a bit better.)

Last christmas I nearly didn't go away on the very morning I was meant to be leaving (went to stay with friends as no way could I have spent the day with ds alone) and Mnetters were brilliant. Encouraged me to go..ORDERED me to go in fact

and I did. Five hour drive wailing most of the way, but I did.

And thank god I did. They were right.

Thank god for mn.

(sounding a bit evangelistic now I know )

Hug your dcs on the day and raise a glass or three to Neil. You will come through this. You will.

OP posts:
Janos · 03/12/2009 15:02

Oh Trinity I am so sorry for your loss. I can't beging to image how that must be for you.

I know some of us possibly come across as a bit 'spiky' but please don't take that as thinking anyone would have a go. You would be very welcome.

And LovinSealCracker there are positive threads on LP...if it all seems a bit bitter and angry ..that's just a 'fraction' of what goes on. It's just sometimes you need to vent to people who will understand (like my dealings with CSA).

Please try it, you might like it. I have made some lovely friends on there

TrinityRhino · 03/12/2009 19:20

lovinsealcracker, you've reminded me of a time when I felt deep guilt.
about three days after neil died I realised I was starting to want to eat but I felt like I shouldn't be wanting to enjoy food or something.....it was weird

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