Worried about DS and Separation

[whygodwhy]

Hi, any advice would be really good. I am ending a very abusive marriage, and am just about to agree legally all the details, financial settlement and access etc.

My DS is 6 and due to the nature of how my DH has been massive drinker and rarely at home by DS is used to being with me constantly aside from the odd bike ride with his Dad, I am proposing that he sees his Dad on a Wednesday evening and every other weekend, initially WEdnesday nights after school at my house, I will go out for this time and then alternate Saturdays and Sundays during the daytime, to increase to include Saturday nights when DS is happy to do so and then after more time to include Friday nights as well and then to also include overnight stays on a Wednesday. I feel that it is essential that they have a good relationship and will do everything to make this happen.

However, as my DS is not at all happy with the idea of being away from me, I think it is best to take it at his pace and to move in little steps.

DH is saying he will have him for all the days and nights from the start as its his right, he is very vicious when discussing this saying DS will end up loving him more and not want to know me etc etc. which is awful to hear but after being so abusive to me DS is the only tool he has left to get me with. I just want DS to have two amicable parents.

He also says he will not pay me maintenance if I don't hand him over to stay over night whether DS wants to or not.

Where do I stand on this, the best thing would be for a happy little boy to leave my house smiling, stay the weekend with his Dad and come back smiling, but I simply can't handover a sobbing child and don't think its right at all.

If I agree to this access legally do I have any leg to stand on if DS doesn't want to stay overnight initially? ie. do I have to make him go, what happens if I don't force him.

bump

Have you asked your solicitor where you stand? If not try this?

I would seond the advice to talk to your solicitor or the CAB. I wouldn't agree to access without being confident it was appropriate, especially not given your ex's drinking

I have a friend in a similiar sitiation, although no DV was present. The visitation as set out by the courts is 11-6 Sat and 11-6 Sun - my friend takes the kids to handover every Sat/Sun as decreed and if they decide not to go she does not make them.

They have to go back to court every so often and she is often told she must "make" them go, her ex-p's solicitor once stated "if they did not want to go to school would she allow them not to?"

The point is, you are perfectly reasonable not to force your child to go in this situation but you must be prepared to defend this decision.

You sound perfectly reasonable. Ex-H does not. Having court ordered visitation may help to show him its not your decision but an independant third party but IME if its not what you want, you still need to stand firm in what you believe is right for your child.