DH has become bitter and childish since we started TTC - what should I do?

[sparechange]

Hi,
Sorry, this is a bit of a long one...

A few months ago, DH and I decided (jointly) that we should start TTC. It was something we had both said we would do 'at some point'. I initiated the conversation, but he thought it was a good idea and said he was happy as long as I was happy and had thought it through fully.

Since then, I've noticed a real change in his behaviour. He has become increasingly tight with money and insistent that I pay for half of everything, despite him earning significantly more than me. When I've asked him what we'll do when I'm on ML, he says 'we'll cope, but we can't if you keep wasting money now'. As it happens, I'm very careful with money. I've had 2 haircuts this year and probably spent under £200 all year on clothes and shoes. But each time I have bought something, he makes a huge deal out of it and brings it up for months afterwards.

He has also started going out a hell of a lot more. He can't say 'no' to an invitation any more. Again, when I brought this up, he says that if we are going to have a baby, he won't be able to go out for ages, so is making the most of it now. I half belive this, but think there is more to it (and no, he isn't having an affair...) When I go out, it is a waste of money, obviously...

When all this got a bit stupid a few weeks ago, I gently suggested that perhaps we held off TTC for now, because he seemed to be very stressed since we started.
He absolutely hit the roof saying he was sure I was going to do this, and this was just me changing my mind and why on earth didn't I think this through before telling him we should start, rather than bottle out just as soon as he was looking forward to it.

Today, I told him I had a business trip in the spring, and he has replied that he is going to see if any of his friends want to go to Vegas in the week that I'm away.
Putting aside the cost of this, I'm furious.
Why is he being like this?

Help! Is he scared of the being a father (btw, he is 40 and the only one of his friends not to have children) or is something more going on?

maybe he is scared, I don't know but I'll tell you what - if I were you I wouldn't be getting pregnant any time soon - not until this little lot is sorted. Are you younger than him? can you afford to hold off for a bit?

If he is like this now I dread to think what he will be like after. You have probably heard this all before but a new baby puts a massive strain on a relationship and blokes can sometimes react in odd ways if he is being selfhish now, he might be worse after (he might not of course but that's a big risk to take).

from what you have said he sounds unsure and perhaps like he feels like he will be trapped (not by you by a baby) but is being defensive and trying to put it all on you.
But if its ok for him to spend money but not you I would be very wary because you could end up feeling beholden to him for every penny once the baby is born.

Have you tried the sitting down for a talk thing:

"The reason I am thinking of changing my mind is because you seem very different since we started TTC. If you are accusing me of wasting money when I am not, and while I am earning, I am very worried about how you will behave when I am not earning money and have another person to support."

It does sound like he's scared. If he is the last one to have children, it's possible his mates have put the wind up him: "Once that baby's born you'll never get to go out, there'll be no sex and you'll be completely skint. Your life'll be over mate, ha ha haaaa!"

OTOH I have often noticed that the men with the more jaundiced view of the responsibilities of fatherhood tend to be good Dads, whereas the "Wow can't wait to have kids" brigade tend to be the bugger-offers. I mean, at least he's planning to stay in with you and the little one.

Sorry have rambled on, I think you just need to talk, talk, talk.

also factor in the turning 40 milestone! thats a daunting one,as i have recently done so. its a bit thought provoking

I can answer from a Mans point of view, I was always damming of people who basically let chrildren consume their lives, but having had a DS 19 months ago, I was not prepared for the cold hard reality of it, you simply have no life anymore... sure you will get people disagree with that, and if you are happy to palm off your babies to others then ok, you can go out etc...

Men do tease, esp those with Kids to those expecting, and he is probably realising just what he is going to moss out on...

I really miss the stuff we did before we had our DS, does not mean I regret it, but we had a very comfortable life, now we never get a lie in EVER, never get a moments peace etc etc...

but that is what comes with having the little demons, your husband has been wound up I am afraid, so it sounds like he is trying to live the next 20 years in 9 months..

can I also add I blame rugrats for my expectations, I presumed you put them in a playpen and they entertained themselves, that show could not be further from the truth.......

dont let him watch rugrats EVER

Also a second note, us men really need instructions on what to say/do in certain situations..

my DW MC first time, I did not have a clue how to act/say/do and ended up saying the dreaded line...

"we can try again" responce was not very nice from DW

Thanks all
My first thought was he was scared too, hence the chat, but he really made me feel like not carrying on with TTC would be crushing his dreams!
I tried to give him a few gentle get-outs - suggesting holidays we could go on next year, asking if he was sure he didn't want to get a new car next year, but his answer is always the same - "I thought we were going to try and have a baby. We can't think about stuff like that if you really are serious about it"

When I have suggested holding off, he gets cross, and says he is disappointed, but as mrsboogie said, I don't feel like this is the best time to be loading more strain onto our relationship.

Also, I don't think his friends have been deliberately winding him up. A few years ago, we had a chat with his best mate and his DW (wine may have been involved). We were talking about how expensive it is to have children and they both said 'there is never a good time financially to have children. You have just got to do it, and it will all somehow work'
I had pretty much forgotten this, but my chat with DH, he quoted this back at me, and said there is no point waiting any longer to save up money.

I'm so confused!

Can I have a strawpoll? Should we put this on hold..? Only this week is ov week...
(TMI )

I wouldn't want to have a baby with a man as childish and stroppy as your DH. Not sure what you can do about it though, beyond trading him in for a grown up?

He will only get worse once the baby is here. I would put all plans to conceive on hold until he "grows up." Seriously.

For me there would have to be a discussion which focused on his behaviour, and his accounting for it, rather than the "crushing of his dreams."

He needs to know that there will be a time when you are not bringing in much money, yet spending a lot on the new baby. Furthermore, during this time he is going to have to be the main breadwinner, and not moan about it.

And if he doesn't think he can manage that - and it doesn't look as if he can - then he might have to consider his dreams well and truly crushed.

You haven't mentioned your dreams, sparechange.

Thanks everyone
I think a good talk is in order, but I'm not sure he recognises how odd he is being
sigh
Balloonslayer - my dream is for a happy health DC or two, and in an ideal world, while DH is still young enough to play football, go skiing, and generally be an active part of their life
And some jimmy choos and a puppy. But I don't want to push my luck...

At the the risk of confusing matters further, I recognise some of your DH's reactions from mine, and it's not necessarily reason to put your plans on hold.

My DH used to have panics like that much more than he does now, but it is still part of who he is and it still rears his head a bit every now and then.
I'm afraid the solution for us was for me to be the calm, centred one in the partnership, and to tell him not to worry and everything would be alright occasionally.

With your DH, it's up to you to decide whether you should just go for it, and maybe he will be fine once the baby arrives. But I reckon it's still worth a chat about whether he is worried about anything. My advice on that front would be to choose your moment. I find it's best to talk when he's feeling reasonably calm and happy, otherwise the twitchyness / depression / defensiveness makes a straightforward conversation impossible.

Best of luck!!

I think you just need to have a good talk with him and explain exactly how he has been acting (he may not even relaise what he's been like). It does seem like a classic panic about what life will be like with children. I think we all do it to a certain extent - I certainly tried to pack a few big holidays in prior to TTC, and once pregnant I tried to cram in lots of meals out and cinema visits . We also tried like mad to get all our outstanding DIY done before the baby arrived as well, even when I was 8m pregnant, even though my friend did try to point out to us that you can actually still do DIY when you have kids!

He is worrying about the main things that peole worry about when having kids:
The lack of free-time (hence the holidays with mates), the lack of moeny (hence the stinginess). I don't think he necessarily doesn't want to be a father, he is just a bit scared and has maybe thought about it a bit too much if anything.

That said, his behaviour is a bit childish and shouldn't be allowed to continue unchallenged.

I would go for the 'you are behaving strangely - explain'. And stress to him that your finding him impossible to cope with now, never mind once you are pregant or actually have a baby to deal with.

Clearly something is bothering him, and he needs to be truthful with you. If he can't, then I seriously suggest you rethink your plans to have a family with this man.

On another note, my BiL became so panicky after he and my DSis bought their (first)house. He started waking up in the night in a cold sweat panicking about losing his job (he had no reason to think this would happen). Even now he tries to save every spare penny he has 'just in case', and they haven't even got that big a mortgage! I think some men just struggle with responsibility a bit!

Erm - doesn't sound good - ttc is one thing, once baby arrives a whole different scenario and he'd have to up his game.

The money thing is an issue - you'll need time off work and if he's like this now imagine when your not working.

I don't know the answer but this is my experience - we had a mc and I understand where aeschylus is coming from on this - but then we were told we had fertility issues - and I've huge problems since - his fertility issues and one aspect that he could change to help it - so what does he do - smokes and drinks more. God knows how but we managed to conceive minus IVF - but to date (a 3.5 year old) dh is controlling with money - spends it on shit - wants me to account for every f'ing penny I spend - does ZERO with ds to the point it's shameful when I have to collect him from nursery - ds cries as was expecting daddy - nursery notes this - priorities elsewhere yet needs ds and clings to him. Not great actually. I'd find it MUCH easier being a single parent.

Try and get to the bottom of this prior to becoming parents - your situation doesn't bode well quite honestly and with a little one you need to focus on the right priorites - not controlling about cash, who does what etc.

The 'worried about being a Dad' thing is understandable and what Aeschylus says about his mates ribbing him etc does ring bells.

However, the money thing is another matter. Sounds like he is in a panic about suddenly becoming the 'sole provider' in the family which he is suddenly tight with money. While you were working it was fine but now I just think this going to be a major problem and you need to resolve the budget issue now before you get pregnant.

I understand that some men might become tight with cash if they are worried about financial responsibilities. However, he is not being tight with his own spending - quite the reverse by the sounds if it. He is being controlling of your choices. This will become deeply unpleasant when you have really lost your independence - think hard!

what we did to ease our minds, as we were losing a big chunk of cash a year, was take out redundancy insurance, it does seem like a waste, but it allows you to relax a little more

Have up any update on your situation - have you TALKED?
If not - don't plan your mat leave - if he's this financially controlling right now imagine what he'll be like when kids come along.