Our son told mil we dont like each other I'm really sad becuause we have grown apart, it doesnt help as our son sleeps in with us every night its all a long story and im so sad

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We have a daughter who sleeps in the day have asked advice to cut her daytime sleep out she is still awake now,my son is in our room with dp this is like this every night.
Im at my wit ends as I can never talk to my dp as he works long hours and when he comes home our 4 year is in bed with us.
my sex life has gone out the window as I have been suffering from pnd , the tablets I was on I have now stopped taking and this has some input in my self esteem and sex life and the aid of a 4 year old boy who I dont blame for the fact I feel guilty that everthing is so crap,in fact I blame myself.
Recently everyone has a input in our lives my dp family ,friends I can longer trust as they gossip amongst themselves about me and dp and its got to the stage I dont want anything to do with them as I can no longer trust them.
please please can anyone help me as I feel like giving it all up and leaving and taking my kids and getting away from all of this .

Why is your 4 year old sharing your bed??

I think you need to put your kids in second place and put your marriage in first place until you can get back on track.

Breaking up your marriage isn't going to do your children any favours in the long run.

You need to talk to your husband. And you need to get some of your relationship back. It sounds like PND and lack of attention rather than a proper breakdown in your relationship.

If you can't leave the house, have a 'date' at home. Get takeout in, go into the kitchen adn close the door, music on, so you can't hear DS calling (if he is likely not to settle without you). Sharing bed (more than sleeping) is maybe a bit ambitious.

As mumblechum said - your marriage has to come first - in fact by doing that, that is putting your children first.

Big hugs. Be kind to yourself and try to see this as something you can fix. You're amazing, and you can do it. Join forces with DH and you can sort this...

Im not sure why he is sharing our bed I had him in a routine Fluffys but dp started to let him in our room becuse he never saw him so let him come in our room for quality time and now its permanent it seems well I want my bed back and my dp.

oh it is hard, the sleep thing. esp if parents have different opinions. perhaps try to work out what your ideal would be and see how best to get there.

although my ideal is that ds is in bed early so i can have time to myself in evening, while dh wants him up later so he gets more time in bed in mornings. no easy answer.

Thank you all so much Its so nice to get some great advice its something I havent had much of lately.
I try my best as any mum does and sometimes I feel like a single mum, lonely and have lost that reason why we feel in love in the first place.

You need to get that child into his own bed! Allowing him to share your bed because your partner wouldn't see him otherwise does nothing to help your son, he's in a routine now that's going to be a sod to break but you can't allow him to continue to do this as it's really not helping your relationship. Your first step needs to be to get him back into his bed. Do you have quality time with your dp? Evening out, meal when the little ones are in bed? Quality time with the children shouldn't be at the cost of your relationship, an unhappy family is no family at all.

No Fluffy we dont have any time together and I dont know why.
Although a works do is on for this weekend and we have a overnight babysitter so maybe thats a start.
I have said my son goes in his room for 8pm staarting tomorrow and have promised a reward chart and then fri,sat he can stay up what do you think?.

It's a good plan. Start to 'date' him again, get dressed up and look fab. Reclaim your bed. You need quality time together, you can't build a relationship if you don't. Don't let the little one stay up on Saturday, have firm boundaries so he knows where he is, children need this. A strick bed time, same time every night, his own bed, supper, bath, jim jams, story then sleep, same time every night. If you deviate from this then he'll start to test the boundaries all the time because he'll not see you as in charge. Be firm, be the boss. Once you have your bed back then work on your relationship with DP, you need time alone to do this, get to know each other again. If you've not been intimate for a while then start again, just enjoy each other's company at first and take it from there.

I think the "family bed" only works if everyone is ok with it.

You could try an air mattress on the floor next to your bed as a transition device for the child. If he sees that his spot is no longer in the big bed then he may not have an interest to be in the room-he might as well be in his room. If he can come to this conclusion on his own, it will lessen the trama of the change.

Then if dh wants time with ds, move the air mattress into ds's room and dh can camp out with him there. Btw, adding a foam mattress topper to the air bed helps wonders.

Ha Ha that is genius toomany ,tommorow I have said to ds he his to go into his bedroom at 8pm but I will let him in our bed from 7pm for me to read a story let him watch a cartoon then in his room to bed at 8pm.
I have said he if he does this every night he will gain a star which will incur a reward he has agreed, so lets keep our fingers crossed xx.
I will then read a story to him in his room and he has to go to bed thats my idea whether it works is another thing but I will
try.

Good luck, I hope it goes well Stick with it, it'll be a big change for him so it may not be a smooth transition.

Disagree with air bed in your room (sorry, Toomany). It will just drag the whole thing out.

Just go straight to him in his room and offer rewards. I am sure it may be hard but not as hard as you may think.

Did you not see the Cutting Edge doc last week? A 4 yr old girl, always fell asleep downstairs and then slept with Mum and Dad. They didn't think they could change the routine but were given instructions and it was suprisingly easy.

Start as you mean to go on and remember who is the boss

I have survived 2 children with sleeping difficulties. So frustrating and disastrous to a relationship. It's only in the last year or so (with them aged 15 and 8) that I feel I have an evening. There were some nights I'd come downstairs after the horrific ritual and if dp even touched my shoulder my nerves would scream! Yes, we would all like things to be a certain way but we have to work with the situation we've got.
I agree with stirling that every part of the routine should be based around your son's room. Have a look around today, is there anything you can do to make his room more welcoming and 'easy'. Is there something to listen to music/stories on, is the lighting conducive to relaxation. Once you have him into his own bed for story etc and a little cuddle you can begin 'popping next door to put away some ironing' or 'going to put my own pyjamas on' leaving him for longer periods. Note you will then put on a very sexy nightie with your old dressing gown over, ready to go downstairs and be a grown up with dp.
Can I also say, keep talking to dp, don't miss an opportunity to say 'I wish we could get this sorted I'm really at a stage when I want to sit down and actually talk to you of an evening' or even 'I wish we could get this sorted so we could down a bottle of wine and have wild sex'.

Is your son in your bed so you don't have to have 'relations' with your dp? We often use children to barrier ourselves against things we don't want to see/admit. Your marriage will not improve while he is there!

You need to get him into his own bed, probably using the rapid return technique. It will be a long & hard battle, but it is the only way you can start to address your other issues.

OP - if I am following your post correctly, then the problem is that your daughter (and son?) are both night owls and stay up late which then prevents you and your dh having any alone time when the kids are asleep.

The co-sleeping thing to me is a red-herring and you shouldn't focus to strongly on this. Getting your son to sleep in his own bed will be a slog and may not solve your relationship problems. However, if you pursue this option, remember that your dh invited ds into the family bed. Therefore if your ds resists his own room, you must not blame him or get angry with him. It's not his fault. You cannot invite kids into a co-sleeping arrangement then kick them out when this arrangement no longer suits the adults concerned. Just bear that in mind and be gentle with him.

I think you would be better served trying to get them settled early, in any bed you can, so that you and dh can get some time together. Even if your son is asleep in your bed, there is no reason you and dh cannot be intimate in other parts of the house.

Co-sleeping is not the norm - or at least not many people admit to it because they know the reaction they will get. DH and I co-sleep with our ds who is now 7. We have a big family bed which we all get in at the end of the day. However, ds is usually asleep by 9.30 and we both head to bed around 1130. Every other weekend he goes and sleeps in his own bed at his grandparents place so that dh and I can go out.

I would also like to add to all the people who think we have "made a rod for own back" that he will settle in a bed on his own through the night and has sleep overs away from us. If you manage it right co-sleeping can be a great thing.

I'm with accio -

But I think co-sleeping is the norm in the majority of cultures - BUT - if it's not yours then it shouldn't happen - if dh happy that ds cosleeping all the time and you're not then there is a pretty big issue.

Where DO you sleep?

If you want ot get back into marital bed with dh then that's what you work towards. But is this the problem? Or is it that you don't feel like a husband wife situation - that's more than just a marital bed and you mention your dh works long hours.