Do you have to want to be around someone all the time, to be with them?

[Juillet]

Just after some ideas really. There is a bloke who wants to be my 'partner' as it were, well in theory, he hasn't got enough money to support us he says...anyway...he's nice and we can have a decent conversation, but I feel nothing for him physically. He likes me in that way as well.

He lives miles away and lately he's been ringing me up quite a bit...Ok for a few days, but then it has started to get on my nerves...I have too much to do without having to answer the phone and have a chat about nothing in particular for 20 minutes every day. Bearing in mind if he was actually helping out with other stuff it'd be easier I think - but it feels like he's getting a chat and I'm getting held up. Plus emotionally I find that kind of repeated contact quite wearing...not that I dislike him but I feel awkward on the phone or with him IRL actually, when I am not super confident I just feel like I am saying all the wrong stuff, and it's hard work for me to talk. I've never wanted lots of contact with anyone, even my best friends.

Anyway...today as I was busy ignoring his 7th unanswered phone call and getting pissed off about it, it occurred to me that there was someone i wanted to hear from all the time...in fact there have been a couple of relationships where I thought about nothing else but when they were going to call.

I wonder now if that was the real difference...those men I really loved and felt a connection with, above almost everything else - and this one, I don't have that compulsion to talk to him every day.

Can anyone shed any light on this - on how you know - as I've been getting very fond feelings for this bloke recently, just it never quite seems to be enough to sustain it beyond a few days or whatever.

I think maybe he is just a special friend. Can you be with someone you don't long to hear from at all times?

Sorry, what I think I am getting at is whether it is more a sign of a healthy relationship not to want constant contact, than to almost need it all the time...I enjoyed needing those other boyfriends though. Are you allowed to 'need' a person like that, in a healthy relationship - and shoudl you not get pissed off with them when they call you?!

i think in a loving sexual relationship, you should look forward to hearing from your partner. You shouldn't be ignoring his calls or avoiding talking to him. It's mean.

Thanks both. Colditz, we're not in a sexual relationship at the moment- never have been - he's been hanging around since we were 15, 36 now. He's hung around various girls from school actually but I'm the last single one I think

I am very fond of him and don't want to be mean.

Reality - I'm unsure of what a healthy relationship ought to be, that's why I'm wondering if it is the sort I ought to give a chance to iyswim.

Most of my others have not been a great success even when I really fancied the blokes involved.

I absolutely agree with reality

You sound so contradictory about this bloke

At times, I get the feeling he literally makes your skin crawl, and your teeth itch

Then you say you are fond of him

This "fondness" I think is more like the feeling you would get for a favourite uncle, who happens to have appallingly bad breath or summink

A bit of affection tinged with "ewwww"

I dunno why you are pursuing this/allowing him to pursue you

You should look forward to a call, not be irritated by it day after day

To be brutally frank, Julliet, it doesn't sound as though you actually like this guy very much!

Scrape him off and find someone better.

Thanks...

I am contradictory about him, and I feel a lot of affection at times and very close to him...he's very intelligent and we have some conversations where I get flashes of love for his mind...we think the same about a lot of stuff...and then at other times, he does make me feel uncomfortable and like you say, makes my teeth itch.

I was pursuing the possibility because I'm wondering if he is like coffee or wine, in that you hate it at first then you mature into appreciating it...actually though I have never got used to coffee.

So it should be better than this, yes?

Ok, will stop trying so hard...life's too short for being with someone you only like half the time isn't it.

Thankyou

well, if you have to hold your nose when you drink it, it doesn't bode well

god i think you need to reeeeeally make it clear that you only want to be friends if that's how you feel.

don't waste his time- it's a bit cruel.

Oh God I've been called mean twice and cruel once now within two days.

I've told him countless times that I don't think we could ever be an item. He just shrugs it off and says well, never mind.

He might be construed as wasting MY time with all these mad declarations of adulation, whilst simultaneously saying 'well I'll never earn enough to take you on, I'll see you in three months when I next visit my mum'

he's hardly wielding an engagement ring.

if you could never consider putting his willy in your mouth, do not even consider going out with him or becoming in any way entangled.

If you cannot date the men you really really fancy because they tend to be appalling, you have to find a middle ground. SOmeone you like but really don't fancy is not middle ground, it's not even settling for second best. Let him loose to find someone who will be happy to put his willy in her mouth.

Thanks, that's useful...although there are times I'd happily do that, and times I wouldn't if you paid me.

It is like a pendulum.

Something more consistently good would be better I think for us both.

I don't mean his willy is like a pendulum. I have no idea, it might be...

Run like the wind!!!!

Just read the rest of thread, why are you bothering??

runaway!!!

you're probably very nice but by swinging back and forward, you are sending mixed messages.

that's the cruel bit because you KNOW he's not for you...

it's nice having your ego massaged a bit and feeling wanted but there comes a time when you've got to accept that with some men, you can't be friends.

it's an all or nothing scenario.

Thanks...I feel that's unfair Blinks exactly because I DON'T know it, one way or the other - that's why I asked on here.

Why would I have posted if I already knew that was the case...or be keeping him hanging on? (he would be anyway - whether or not I encouraged him)

I'm trying NOT to be cruel or mean, but needed some guidance which I feel I have had, now. But please don't call me mean for not knowing whether this one was/is worth pursuing or not. I have been just totally confused and really I still am.

sorry if that's wrong.

Sounds like you have a problem with trusting your instinct. It should be telling you loud and clear that this guy's not right for you. I think you should do some work on yourself so that when the right one does come along you'll recognise him. Perhaps you're a bit needy (nothing wrong with that, I was dreadfully insecure until quite recently and still have huge wobbles) but when it's obvious that a guy is so not what you want, you shouldn't have so much trouble letting him down in the nicest way possible.

Thanks...probably true

But when you say 'do some work on yourself' I'm not sure what you have in mind or how I should go about that.

Oh dear.

botox, perhaps ?

boob job ?

oh, not that kinda work....

Oi!!!!

Yes well perhaps that would be helpful actually...

i meant that you know DEEP DOWN that he's not for you...

and i don't buy that he'd still be hanging around if you told him firmly you didn't feel that way towards him... if that IS the case then he'd be in stalker territory.

i understand that you're confused but you know enough to not even entertain a relationship with him.

and it is possible to be unintentionally mean. just because you're a good person doesn't mean you're not capable of doing the wrong thing- that's how you learn, by making mistakes. for what it's worth, i've toooootally been in the same position and didn't realise until later that i should have acted faster.