ADVICE needed - am I being unreasonable?

[domesticgoddesswanabe]

I have been married for nearly 23, (YES! that's not a typo) years, not all of them blissful!!!and have 3 kids , a nice home and a dog to show for it.

Recently my DH has taken to leaving notes on the kitchen calendar such as 'Carrington' across a couple of days. This is meant to signify to me that he will be away in Carrington for a couple of days. A few weeks ago ,I hadn't even looked at the calendar and was shocked when he started loading the car with a suitcase on a MOnday morning. I asked him where he was going etc and he said that he had written it on the calendar!! I said that I hadn't realised this was how we now communicated. I told him how upset I was about him not just telling me. I don't have a problem with him going away, I just like to be kept informed.

any way he's done it again. I saw the calendar this morning (looking at what was in store for this week re: the kids / work/ birthdays etc and there are 2 trips written on for December. We spent the whole weekend together!!! why didn't he mention it?!!

Hmm, very odd behaviour. What does he say about it?

It does seem a bit odd. My dh is away every single week at the moment, for between 1 and 4 nights and he always tells me the week before so I know not to cook for him etc.

I'd be a bit miffed, tbh. How's communication generally?

Ditch the "family" calendar for 2010. Only carry a personal diary/filofax from JAnuary in which everyone has to put their arrangements if they want you to acknowledge them. DH cannot then sneak away trips withjout running them by you. YOu will also know if he's sneaking them onto the calendar 5 minutes before the event, or heaven forbid after the event, so he can say "but it was on the calendar".

does seem as if he has 'forgotten' to tell you - is he usually good about telling you these things.

He could argue that you 'forgot' to look at the calender.

Does he know it upsets you and do you think he just doesnt want the hastle?

My Dh started doing this. Not about going on trips overnight but more for nights out etc with his friends (fine, I don't have an issue with that but at least tell me in person). He seemed to think that writing it on the calendar absolved any responsibility to discuss it with me - WRONG!

I think with my DH it was just thoughtlessness. I told him I wasn't the lodger and we had a big row sensible discussion about it. He seems to have stopped doing it now.

Sorry I will stop waffling and get to the point - Do you think there is anything more sinister to these trips away?

I must admit that as the years have gone by he is more and more preoccupied with his job. we have 'had it out' as they say, every now and then, but slowly he seems to slip back into his old ways. Although this is a new one!
It seems a bit silly really but for some reason it has really got to me and I find myself wondering if I will stay with him, but 23 years is alot to throw away.

like it!!! funny he always buys me a calendar. I'll take it to work to brighten up my office space!

I know exactly how you feel, as I said it made me feel about as worthy as a lodger.

no I don't think so. he does have a very demanding job. i sometimes think that maybe I have been too accommodating over the years and that he thinks it is acceptable to treat me like a secretary.

I've been married just a wee bit longer than you and I don't think you're unreasonable to want to be told things that are important.

My husband has a very demanding job too, he manages to ring me every evening on his break just to check in and say hello ( when I'm at work) and I get a full run down of his day when he comes home, he's out for 11 hours a day normally. He wouldn't think of writing things on a calendar rather than telling me himself.
It's all about being bothered imho.

Slippery slope I would say. My ex was very much like this, he would email and text, even if we were in the same house!! He even text me that our marriage was over. My marriage wasn't worth saving, if you feel yours is then sort this out before it becomes the norm.

I divorced after 23 years (it was finalised just 7 months before what would have been our silver anniversary), but there was a LOT more wrong with the marriage than writing things on the calendar instead of discussing them. This sounds more like a communication issue than anything terminal. Every now and then even the most cherished wife may need to jump up and down and shout "Hello! Not chopped liver here!" to avoid being taken for granted in these annoying little ways. Don't let the blighter get away with it. Being married doesn't excuse you from treating each other with courtesy.

How do you react if he does talk to you about a trip?

I travel a fair bit for my job, and my husband always reacts negatively when I say that I have a trip coming up, and tries to convince me it is unnecessary. (Despite the fact that he is tremendously proud and otherwise supportive of what I do, and would be horrified if I gave up work.)

I haven't yet resorted to sneaking trips onto the calendar, but I have been very tempted once or twice!

Hi DGW

I share your disquiet and the 23 years. I find "Sweden" or "Greece" and when I query it am told it was sent in an email We sit down as a family on a Sunday evening to plan the week and even then the "edinburgh" or whatever is forgotten until the day of the trip. Not deliberate, unless it's a passive aggressive thing, but it really winds me up and is one of many communication problems we are having.

Thanks for your advice everyone. I had it out with DH last night and he promises that he won't do it again!! He said the reason he didn't mention it over the weekend was because he doesn't like to think about work. Fair enough, except I like some warning so that I can plan my week!

I'll just have to wait and see! If only men would understand that its not the BIG things that count, but the little day to day things that can really hurt or please!

am lol at this - I used to nag ex to write things on the calendar, that said I would like him to actually discuss them with me aswell, but I would far rather they were written on the calendar (and e-mailed to me) so that I could see what was going on in advance rather than having to ask him whether he would be home if I needed to plan something, or for him just to say "oh, I'm away on Tue, late on Wed and Thu" etc.

I work away quite a lot too and will usually write on the family calendar before telling DP...sometimes i have forgotten to tell him until the last minute (not as I was actually packing the car though!). I wouldn't say that we have communication issues, but I do try and avoid talking about work too much at home esp. at weekends - this sometimes means that I don't tell him enough! It really depends on what the rest of your relationship is like.