Has anyone ever tried Relate?

[StableButDeluded]

If so, did it help?

I've just made an appointment for DH & I to go next monday. I feel like this might be our last hope. Ever since I had PND & anxiety it has put a huge strain on our relationship, and now it feels like I'm living with someone who I have nothing in common with. He said some very hurtful things to me when I had PND (including that it was my fault and I was purposefully making his life a misery) and though I know he was stressed, I can't forget having these things thrown in my face for nerarly 4 years.

We've spent all weekend trying to talk, but it just degenerates into shouting because i get so frustrated that he can't (or won't) understand my point of view. It's literally like talking to someone who doesn't speak English. Or talking to the proverbial brick wall. Anyway I blurted out this weekend that because of everything that's happened in the last few years I don't love him in 'that way' any more and I don't really want to sleep with him any more. I haven't wanted to for months, but I've had to hide my feelings and pretend that my heart doesn't sink when I know he wants sex. I didn't mean to say it, but I can't hide it any longer.

He was very upset and shocked, but he wants us to stay together. I don't particularly want to put us and my little boy through the trauma of separation & moving house etc, so I've suggested Relate. I really don't know how it's going to help me feel close enough to sleep with him again though.

Sorry, that turned into a bit of a whinge! I just wanted to know about Relate, really.

yes a third person in the room really does help with a sense of normalcy.

for example "dh called me names"
"when"
" erm...."

" well...it was 4 years ago - but i can't get over it."

now thats not to sya that when he did/said at that time was right in any way - but 4 years?

i hope that illustrates my point.

getting another person in the room to facilitate communicating without shouting and also knowing that you fel a complete twat for saying something that you have done - becuase it's clearly not ok

or somethng he says outloud that makes you cringe - that in a row each of you would justify.

they don't fix things.

they make you realise what a complete twat you or he is - and how behaviours we accept as normal within a relationship are just not.

Good luck. I've considered it on occasion but we have always 'pulled through' or is it that I 'put up' with it? I'd like to hear how you get on.

Hmm, yes, I think I see what you mean. I feel I am relying on the Relate person to get DH to actually understand what I'm saying to him. DH doesn't have much time for 'talking' therapies, he says he doesn't think they do any good, but he has agreed to go, so I guess I'm just hoping that having a neutral person present will make him at least try a bit harder to listen and understand.

That's not to say I'm blameless, I know I need the help too, because I feel so frustrated with him all the time I nitpick at him over little things & react really angrily when he commits some minor mistake. I am turning into a fishwife.

It just seems impossible somehow to think that just talking calmly will help with the sexual side of things.

yes. Thirdperson in the room does provide perspective. As in "You spent all the rent in a fruit machine"

"Oh FFS are you never going to let that go?/"
"You've done it three times, we nearly got evicted"

Councilor - "Is this true? DID you spend all the rent in fruit machines?"
"Um..."
"How do you think that affected the stability of your family?"
"Um..."
"And how did you pay the rent in the end? Mrs X, you say you paid for it all out of the children's Christmas money. Mr X, is this what happened? Let's hear your perspective on this?/"

"...."

Similarly, if one party has the tendency to talk over the other > this will be halted by the councilor and the quieter party WILL get their say, which can be enlightening if you've been screaming insults and accusations at him each other for 10 months.

He had an affair as well (before we had DS) & although we stayed together, he would never discuss it (even though I felt I needed to) and it was all 'swept under the carpet' and Must Not Be Mentioned. That was probably the start of it, because I felt resentful that I couldn't even mention this huge important thing that had happened in our relationship.

my dh did want to quit as he felt picked on. he even said it was the "ooh perfect custy show" on the way home in the car as he sneered.

" i can't help it if you have been a total twat - you did that not me. It's not my fault you can't say anything bad about me."

I have bent over backwards for this relationship. his choice was go and keep maried or don't and erm...don't!

Yes, Colditz. I go into a huff because I know there's no point trying to talk. So he then says 'what's wrong now?', I say 'what do you think? the same thing that was wrong last time- why do you even bother to ask when you know what's wrong?! blah, blah...'

Then he says he doesn't understand what I'm saying because I twist words. I then get really snappy & say 'why do you keep saying I 'twist' words? You asked me what's wrong & I've told you in plain English. It's like talking to a brick wall'

At which point he usually tells me to stop being so aggressive, which I can't stand, so I start shouting.

It's a bit crap, isn't it?

So Custy,can I ask if you stayed together, (happily) and if so, do you think you would have if you hadn't had the counselling?

yes we stayed together. but we had to fucking work hard at it.

obviously circumstances are different than yours and we all have our relationship limits.

the issue we went to discus wasn't the only issue discussed - it did go into helping more with kids, the time he dictates for himself rather than with family etc.

they also give you exercises for communication.

which may be helpful to you. But to be honest i really wanted this idea that i was making a mountain out of a molehill thing banished. My effort in the relationship acknowledged.

there was ( and it seems is with you) the idea that we can 'just get over it' or pretend it didn't happen.

but no - we can't its a huge part of our history. he took something wonderful and broke it. My children were forced to experience things that they shouldn't have to.

it was totally shit. totally. and there was a point where she sugested we come in for seperate sessions instead of together - so we could give our POVs without predjudice IYSWIM,

At that session, things were so very bad i remember clearly weeping for the whole thing and telling her that i didn't think i could carry on with the marriage.

i totally wanted her to say " but you have talked things through and i believe that you can with a litle help get through it" but she didn't. she listened and made 'active communication' noises like hmm and the odd nod. But this decision was mine.

Dh and i have always had good communication. Its very 'Dr. Phil' or American but we can both stay calm and say "i feel.../ I hear.."

and the other person cannot take that away from you

"i feel that you are making decisions without me"
"I hear what you are saying and i take that on board. I feel that you absolve yourself of actively helping with the decision making"

that kind of thing.

rather than screaming " you fucking bastard, you never tell me how much money is left - i looked like a twat trying to pay for that thing in town, you take over everything.."

i also find, that if i have something serious to say that we need five or ten minutes to do this - so not whilst washing up or picking up clothes or toys or cooking. but siting opposite each other at the table or in the living room - making room for the conversation IYSWIM.

even though we discussed things rationally, i still needed that third person to show him that his behaviour wasn't normal. and that as rationally as we could communicate, he can't argue in favour of his behaviour - becuase it wasn't normal!

we went and it helped us communicate and helped him a lot with trust issues - dh has a rubbish relationship with his father who is a control freak so had a hard time accepting my commitment to him

despite struggles we are better than ever

worth it for us

Yes, we went when we first moved in together about 4 years ago - worked a treat and now we are very happy. You both have to work at it, and really want it to work, though. We're really glad we did it, and would definitely go back if we ever need to. Good luck! xx

My partner & I had our first RELATE appt last week. It was very emotional & left me feeling a little bit more positive about our relationship. Its so hard when you're in the thick of a bad relationship though, I seriously don't know how we will come out of this, relationship intact. I'm 16 weeks pregnant & truly hope for the best. This really is the last chance saloon.
Good luck to all those trying, failing, winning etc etc..x

I'm currently trying to persuade my partner to come to Relate with me to try and rebuild a pretty dented relationship. Really encouraged to hear how it's worked for others.