How to make it 100% clear you never want to get back with ex again

[DutchGirly]

My ex is still trying to get back together with me, despite the fact we have split up sincve April.

I am tired of the begging, pleading and jealousy.

I am not interested in him, I have come to the conclusion a long time ago I will never be no 1 priority for him, his family's and crazy ex-girlfriend's feelings are far more important than mine.

I have told him so many times I don't want him/the relationship has been over for years really, the Relate counsellor told him that the relationship is over.

I haven't slept with him, kissed, snogged, cuddled or anything like that nor do I give him any other signals. He is simply deluded.

What can I do to convince him that I am not interested, I don't want him ever again?

Do you have children?

Do you have children with him? If not, then just ignore him. Don't answer his calls, don't engage in conversation with him and if he turns up at your house to pester you then call the police.

He'll either get the message and give up or you'll end up getting a non molestation order to keep him away from you.

Yes, we have a little girl of 2 which is the only reason why we are in contact.

I am sick to death of the begging, pleading etc, I actually begin to detest him.

Basically, do not respond to any messages/convos that are not to do with your daughter, be polite, if possible have someone else there whenever you see him.

Thanks for the advice LBM.

Unfortunately mostly there is nobody else around when he comes which is on a almost daily basis.

Things should change end of Jan when he moves into his own place (staying on floor with friend at the mo) hopefully we can get more into a routine then.

It doesn't seem to enter his brain that I don't want him. He states he can't help how he feels about me so he can't help the begging, pleading, emotional blackmail etc which is untrue as he can control his behaviour.

In the meantine, it is realy draining on me.

There your first problem, why is he coming round whenever he feels like it? In the nicest possible way your letting him treat your home like his, why can't you have a more structured visting pattern?

I've found with unwelcome conversations that it's best not to respond at all to anything they might say. That means a blank look and then an immediate change of subject. Could you try this, maybe? Just keep any communication firmly to arrangements for seeing your daughter?

And definitely try to organise something like LoveBeingAMummy suggests re visiting. That should make it easier.

I do have sympathy for you. My ex did this up to a year after we separated, even when we were divorced, in fact. It actually made my skin crawl after a while but I adopted the above technique and it all stopped.

PLump is totally correct. You are joining in by responding to him. In his mind this is a chance, after all by answering you are saying you have considered it. You can only say no to something you think about.

I will just refuse to engage in any unwelcome conversations and change of subject.

It is very difficult as my little girl takes his hand and wants to show him her room, toy etc, she still asks for her daddy at night which breaks my heart.

I have drawn up a schedule to formalise access last week. Problem is that things slipped, I have been very ill with swine flu over the last few weeks which is why he was stopping by daily to pick her up/take her to school as I was simply too ill to do so. I have no family around so it is very difficult when ill.

I am also trying to get him to sign over the car, I now have to ask him to use my own car, problem is that it is in his name and he contributed 15% to the purchase of the car (never mind he never paid for insurance, car tax etc)

yes got one of them. deluded definitely. thinks we can be back together so he can "be the father they need at home".
i moved out april 2008. he came round there to see kids, began beleiving we still "lived together" even tho he had his own place (former family home).

yes - dont reply.
even saying "i do not love you we are separated" seems to fuel their belief that there is something still there....

he needs to be seeing dd outside your home.

dd needs to get used to daddy's home/mummy's home.

so from jan you set out clear contact schedule, and have it she goes to his place so you not around at all.

if no family you need network of friends, childminders etc you can call on - you do need to work on building contacts with other mums, with nieghbours so you not dependent on him. so if is not his scheduled day you dont call on him.

re: car - was same issue here but in the end my aunt gave me her old car which i put in my name and i handed him the car back to do what he liked with.

do you work? could you get your own car?

you need to cut all ties/links as far as possiblke; do not have him in your house at all. ...is hard takes time. no guarantee he will get it then but is HIS problem.

keeping contact about arrangements - you can only do it from your side i know - you send a msg "confirming time to collect kids" he sends back "we could all be together again if you let me". very frustrating...

Cestlavie, the frustrating thing is that it is MY car, I paid 85% for it, all maintenance, car insurance and road tax. He then dented it so I guess he has forfeited his 15% of the car.

He just pays for petrol so I don't see why I have to work out for another car, I don't even have the money for another car.

My male friends are getting very fed up with the situation as they can see how stressfull it is, one of them suggested hanging around in the house to make him feel uncomfortable.

I just hope he goes to visit his family for a bit as that would be a nice break for me.

ok so on the car, ask him formally eg in writing for the paperwork to hand it over to you. he has to sign his bit of the form.

or go with a male friend and ask him to hand over the form and sign it there and then.
and any spare set of keys...