Am I being naieve to think I can fix this relationship?

[TwoLittlePontipines]

Ok, Think this is going to be a long one, but I need advice.
I think I am being emotionally abused.
I have 2DCs (18 months and 5 months) and I am seriously struggling. Some days I think perhaps I have PND, and other days I think that its just the stress of my situation.
DP has mental health issues but will not admit to it. Well, about a year ago, was diagnosed as BiPolar, but then another psychiatrist disagreed with first diagnosis, so DP recons "screw them, they don't know what they're talking about, I'm fine". Missed loads of appointments and so they've stopped giving him any. They have said if he wants to go back, of course they will see him, but he just refuses to see that there is a problem.
I feel like I've lost the man that I love. He is not working, and spends all day every day on the computer (online games). He has no time for me or our children, and he keeps spending all of our money and his bloody game. He lies to me, and we seem to be constantly arguing (well, not so much now because I'm too exhausted for it, so now I just accept that he's spent the money or whatever, and just don't bother mentioning it).
there is no routine to his days. He gets up whenever he feels like it, plays computer til he's too knackered then goes to bed. He swings from a cycle of somewhat normal waking hours to sleeping all day and being up all night.
There are so many little things that just sound rediculous, but they all mount up to me feeling awful.
I am of the mindset now that I am a single parent with a complete stranger living in the house. He hardly ever interacts with me or the children, just sits in his little "nest" with his computer.
I have tried to be harsh with him, I have tried to be kind and understanding, but nothing seems to work and I am at my wits end. I would love more than anything to be able to fix our problems and become a normal family.
please help.

Do you love him still? I was with my husband for 6 years and even though he didn't have mental problems, he pretty much did the same. It sounds like you need to sit down and talk to him about it and tell him how you feel and if he doesn't want to change then tell him you don't want to carry on feeling like this( if that is what you want of course). You have two very young children and you don't need another one to take care of, right?

Relate?

If he refuses, well... how long can you wait?

Hello there,

I am sorry to hear of this situation, especially where there are two very young and dependent children involved.

I think you have three options here:

1. Soldier on as you are doing (not recommended - you and you children deserve better than that)

1. If you want to save the relationship and family unit, then his pychiatric diagnostic discrepancy needs to be resolved as a matter of priority. The trouble is, he cannot be forced into attending his appointments, especially if he is not at risk to himself or to anyone else.

1. Failing no 2, then maybe an ultimatum - see pychiatrist, or its time to split.

By the way, do you have help from anyone else with looking after the children?

Hi Pontipines

The online gaming thing rings a bell with me and my DP. For a while he was very into World of Warcraft - is it something like this? Not to push the bipolar issue aside but atm your DP sounds like he is using the game to escape having any need to interact or face up to his problems. As long as he effectively has another world to retreat into and doesn't see that as a problem I am not sure how you can get him to engage with any relationship or mental health issues. Also it is probably the main cause of his irregular hours which adds to a continued sense of isolation.

I don't know how to get someone to stop playing those games but if you know what he's playing I'd have a search for some support groups online yourself e.g. WoW Detox, if it is that.

With my DP it was serious enough for me to think about chucking it all in, but then we'd been dating for all of 8 months and we certainly didn't have any children. It definitely helped when one of his close friends' wives threatened to divorce her husband if he didn't stop playing because I think my DP realised what a waste of time it was. He was also not working at the time so this game became his entire life.

I think breaking the game addiction and getting your DP to move back into real life is your key hurdle to tackle and could help progress with the other problems - mental health and not working etc. I would read up on the addiction, the particular game he is addicted to, see if there any helplines and get as much support and understanding of what you're dealing with before approaching him about the game. You're going to have to persuade him/make him realise how much this is costing him in real terms and how much it is damaging his life and yours and the childrens. Good luck and let us know how you get on.