Is that PND, do I have a reason to resent him or I'm just being oversensitive?

[TrippleBerryFairy]

In a nutshell.
We have a 4 month old. He works and I'm on mat leave to look after the baby.
He does not do any housework - never does laudry, washing up or cleaning (ok, if I was to be completely honest he does that once or twice a month). Changes baby's nappy maybe 1-2 times a week. Last night I asked him to do that while I was watching the TV- he gave me a look which meant he was not going to do it. I just di it myself and ignored him for the rest of the evening.

I look after the baby 24/7. I don't have any family to help me out with that. I also have shitloads to do at the moment in order to get my masters.

We've been arguing about stuff all the time. Talked about household chores and what I want him to do - probably a million of times. He gets better for a day or 2 but then it is back to normal.

I feel increasingly resentful towards him. Don't have a mental energy to argue anymore.
I seem to burst into tears everytime we talk about it. Starting to understand woman who jump from bridges after having a baby.

He says he is trying so hard. I just don't see it. This weekend we argued again. We agreed few days ago that he is going to look after the baby so I have some time to work on my things. This afternoon however he comes and tells me that he is feeling depressed and is going to the pub to watch the football. Meaning our agreement goes out of the window and I am left with the baby and unable to work on my project.

He is now trying to cheer me up but I just find myself unable to cheer up. Have had enough. I had a few glasses of wine - felling nicely numb at the moment. know tomorrow all will be back to normal.

I just feel nothing for him anymore. I don't seem to even be able to have any feelings towards the baby either, as horrible as it sounds. I just feel so empty. And tired. Like a robot who gets up when needed and does what is needed.

I am wondering whether I might be developing PND or I am just being unreasonable towards him. Maybe he's right and because he works full time it's just fair that I do EVERYTHING in the house.

It bugs me that he thinks he can just fuck off to the pub if feeling depressed. How about me?!! I'd like to fuck off somewhere too but I just CAN'T. I don't have such a luxury. Also, I hate that he thinks has an option whether to spend time with the baby or not, whether to change his nappy or not. I do not have it and don't think it is fair.

So please help me to put my head straight. Should I just shut up get myself sorted and get on with everything, is it a PND and I should show my sad pathetic face to my GP or my life is beautiful and I am just being an idiot creating problems there where they don't exist?

Thank you.

It sounds like you're having a tough time. People do have difficulty adjusting though.
I don't know about PND but I think you can ask your GP.
You need to have time out of the house, just as he does. You both need time together. It's hard, but you need to tell your DP how you're feeling.

OK, I see that you are really upset, and my response seems really inadequate but I do think an afternoon out at a friend's would help you start to get back to normal.
What is the project you're working on?
Can you take it to the library?

You may be developing PND.

But he is DEFINITELY being unreasonable.

He's a lazy, shirking sod and it's no wonder you are exhausted and pissed off.

Stop cooking for him, cleaning up after him, washing his clothes. Basically, if he's not doing his share then you need to conserve your energy for looking after yourself and your baby. He's an adult, he can look after himself at the very least.

Really, if he had any respect for himself as a man he would be doing his share to look after his son.

Looking after a baby all day and studying for a masters at the same time is at least as hard as doing a full time job (I've done all three, but never studying and looking after a baby together. You've got a lot on your plate at the moment.)

The only reason you are being left holding the baby and with no spare time for yourself or to study is because he is not living up to his responsibilities as an adult, as a father, or as a husband.

You guys probably need to get some counselling to try to deal with why he is happy for you to bear so much of the burden of the child you created together. It really speaks very ill of his character and doesn't bode well for your future happiness. You need to get it sorted.

In the short term though, look after yourself and your son and see if you can get someone else to give you a break occasionally. (Mum, MIL, friends?) He is not reliable right now, so arrange your life to assume that he is not around, as basically he might as well not be.

well he has to start sticking to agreements so fecking off to the pub is not on when he's agreed to take baby so you can do your work.

you need to both get time off each week.

he DOES need to do the housework. i don't know how you get him to keep doing it but what works in my house is agreeing who is responsible for what and let them get on with it. don't interfere if it's not EXACTLY how you'd like it done - at least it gets done.

finally, you are both having a hard time adjusting, but you are taking full responsibility. he has to acknowledge his part too.

the very last thing i've got to say is that these times are absolutely the hardest and if you can get to the otherside together your life will get a lot easier. hang in there, and through all that resentment please remember that you used to have fab times and that they will come again.

write a letter if you feel you get too overwhelmed to talk about it. (now that really was the last thing i've got to say...)

I have no idea whether you might have PND (although it's worth making an appointment to see your GP if you think it's at all likely) but I sure as hell would resent your dp too.

Even if I were feeling charitable enough to agree that he needs some time off too, pissing off to the pub when he has agreed that it's your turn to have time off to do other things would be the last straw for me. He's extremely selfish.

hmm that wasn't the last thing i've got to say.

in these threads everyone's shouting out about how crap your dh is, possibly because the rest of us are resentful too! well, that may be but you're still married to him. try not to get angry and resentful, don't let this thread build it up to greater heights.

get an action list from us and see how it goes. ignore the negative, because this IS just a phase and things WILL get better. with training and working on it.

I recall feeloing very similar to this, I'd get so upset about not being able to do anything, the adjustment to having a baby was huge and I'd obsess about the state of the house and the feeling that it was all too much some days, I'd sit on the sofa crying. Like you, I had nobody to help out or even take DD off my hands for even a few hours. In my case, I was back on the pill and did some research and decided it was making me loopy so came off it. Talk to somebody, GP, another mum, somebody empathetic but don't carry on feeling like this. On the housework side, he has to do his share, not help you. You took time off to look after the baby, its a full time job. He has to help. I'm sure her has no idea how you are feeling and would be angry with himself if he knew exactly how you are feeling.

dammit - that still wasn't the last thing i've got to say. i think what you're going through is quite normal and i would not go on ad's for it. if you get to the stage where you are struggling to get up in the morning, wade through fog everyday, lose the will to live, then fine. but otherwise, i think you are adjusting to life as a mum and your dh isn't pulling his weight. a pill will not fix those things, time and effort will.

I think any 'training' should be for the DP to sort out for himself. Mozarela already has one child to look after. She shouldn't have to be training a man-child too.

Treating your wife as an unpaid skivvy isn't just a phase, it's just that having a small baby is a phase that tends to make it obvious if your husband is a crap one.

Don't let his current behaviour become the template for the rest of your life. You deserve a hell of a lot better than you're getting at the moment, and if getting angry helps you to stand up for yourself and get what you need, then get angry, by all means.

Everything that you have said relating to your DP is like holding a mirror to all the resentment & frustrations I felt towards my DP in the first year of our DDs' life. Frankly, a lot of the frustration is justified, parenting is a shared responsibility & DPs should do their fair share. Your description makes it crystal clear that this isn't happening. I too felt that I didn't have the energy to expend into chivvying him into doing his part. Becoming a mama is a massive adjustment & I did have days where I was definitely mourning the loss of my old identity, days where just staying awake was a mighty feat, days where hormones messed with my mood appallingly but at no point did I feel it was PND. Only you can judge how you truly feel. It concerns me that you say you have few feelings towards your baby at present. Perhaps this is an indicator that you should seek further help? I just wanted to post to say you are not alone in some of these experiences & feelings & certainly no idiot either.

Just came back on MN - thank you all so much for your response and thoughts.

I am trying to find ways to make him realise how much he upsets me. Just talking about it does not seem to work.

He came back from the pub and tried to cheer me up, unsuccessfully. Then cooked a dinner and loaded the washing machine (a miracle, really), now is playing with the baby. So it all looks good at the moment. Not sure about 2 days from now... usually he just slips back into being his selfish/lazy/taking everything for granted self. And again I find myself doing everything. Yes I could leave his clothes unwashed and let the house turn into a shithole but I just can't, I just can't stand the mess, it drives me mad... but I should probably do it once to see whether that'd have any effect.

19fran76
It is not that I don't have ANY feelings towards the baby. I just don't feel that overwhelming love other mums seem to experience. Still waiting for that to kick in and wondering what is wrong with me because I don't feel it. I like him, I take good care of him but surely there should be more than that.

skidoodle
DP is a bit immature, I liked that trait when we first met but now it started annoying me. He is not a bad guy but I just don't grasp why he is unable/ unwilling to see that our life has changed and I cannot do all on my own. No, that's not true, I CAN but I don't want to - otherwise I might as well be a single mum.
He goes on about work and how tired he is but I think to myself - you worked same hours before the baby so it's not like there's big change for you. I sleep in a spare bedroom during the week so it's not like he's suffering from lack of sleep either. Moaning about work sounds just like a petty excuse or an attempt to cover inability to accept new responsibilities.

warthog
I too tend to get all resentful when I read someone else's posts about crappy DH's so I know what you mean. Writing about it here I just needed to get it off my chest so I don't say something to my DP that I would regret later.

We sort of cleared up everything tonight, will see whether he's taken anything I said seriously...

i didn't feel overwhelming love towards dd1 when she was born. it took a while (like a year maybe), but it's definitely there now!

we always used to fight about what who did last and it became point-scoring and tit for tat. dividing responsibilities and not interfering has worked very well for us. admittedly i do all washing, cooking, shopping, clearing up etc. and dh does dishwasher (unloading and loading if there's stuff around) and the rubbish. i'm sure other people's dh's do more, but this is working for us at the moment.

Hi Mozarela, no need to beat yourself up at all. As Warthog says it's a bond that grows & deepens over time.

My DP is also somewhat immature & self-centred which as other posters have written, is a lot easier to gloss over pre-baby. After repeating the same messages re: pulling his weight like a broken record I can see a more consistent effort about the house. It began with the two steps forward, one back pattern you describe at first but it reaching a level that I feel much happier with now.

It is trying to have to push for what should already be in place but like you, I feel that my DP is not a bad guy overall. Consequently, I have decided to keep working at the relationship & review the situation. Hang in there. If your DP is otherwise decent then you will see changes for the better given time.

Thank you warthog & 19fran76 - I do sort of realize that the feelings towards my baby will most likely grow over time it is just that I sometimes feel inadequate reading about how others immediately fell in love. Thank you for reassurance re this.

I am going to make a list of responsibilities and stick it onto the fridge. I am ok to do stuff during the week as he works and comes home late, 7-8pm. We have to sort out our weekends though as I get so angry and resentful when he just wants to chill and slob out while for me it's 'business as usual' with no respite.

mozarela - Hiya, I just wanted to say hi and to add my support. Having that first baby is the biggest shock to the system ever. You sound like me when I had DS1. DS1 was a screamer from day 1 and BF-ing was a disaster for me (DS1 had tongue tie and I had supply issues) and those few months were dark dark times for me and DH. I was quite depressed (not sure if I had PND). My DH is also younger than me and can be quite immature. He found adjusting to fatherhood very difficult. We also argued about housework (I thought the same as you and TBH, I find working a doodle compared to being a full-time mum!) and he is also someone who badly needed sleep to function (he does have a job that is very demanding mentally).

I would like to try and defend your DH a little here (having been there and done that!). I think some men do find becoming a father and the responsibilities overwhelming and they cope by trying to pretend nothing has changed and life goes on. My DH is a really loyal and loving man and there is no doubt he loves us very much but he went through a period where I think he had to mentally go through the process of reconciling his old life with the new one. It was a very tough time for us as a family as on one hand, it felt like he was rejecting all of us but I could also see that on the other hand, he needed to go through the thought process by himself. Parenthood doesn't come naturally to us all (as you may have found out yourself, that overwhelming love for your child might take a while to develop). DH and I really struggled through those few months. I think we came closest to ever breaking up then.

BUT to give you hope, we are now parents to DS2 (almost 4 weeks old) and things have been a BILLION times better now. We have learned through our mistakes and adjusted so much better this time round. We have a cleaner once a week so that has cut our arguments by about 80%... I do everything else but I don't mind as DS2 is a very easy baby and I find it relatively easy to stay on tops of things and if things slide, so be it. I get up with DS2 during the night as I catch up with my sleep during the day. DH understands now how much I do for our family and he does things for me to make my life easier. He will take DS1 out during the weekend so I get a break. He has offered to have the boys anytime I want to go out to meet up with friends etc. He calls me during the day to find out how things are and he will cook (or offer to come back early) when he comes back if I have had a bad day. Overall, we are a lot happier as a family but 1.5 years ago, it was a very different story.

I hope you work things out with your DH. Like I said, it's not easy but through trial and error, hopefully you will work out an arrangement that works for you both. Good luck!

mozarela
Stick up for yourself, you are right, the weekends need to be sorted into shared parental respnsibily and 'me' time and don't forget together time either.
Equally, if he can't see that then he is a dick, and you can tell I think so.
Hopefully he will see it, as if he has a happy wife and baby then he will be a happy husband and father.

Just thought I would offer some empathy from somebody else with an immature DP and a 4 month old! Like you, I liked his attitude when we first met but now I'm struggling to bear all the responsibility and feel like my workload wouldn't increase if I was a single mother. It does drag you down.

My DP has returned to work after a dry period (he's a bathroom fitter - nobody wanted new bathrooms for some weeks) and he has gradually revealed these ignorant and unreasonable ideas about the division of labour. He very rarely does anything domestic and working long hours is now justification for that. He's adopted the old-fashioned opinions of his father who went out to work and returned to a hot meal on the table, all the housework done, children in bed. In arguments he has actually said that he expects me to 'pander' to him after work - what an arse! - and that it's not hard sitting with a baby all day, just feeding and changing when necessary, compared to manual labour. He never does any of the practicalities with DS while I'm around so I completely empathise with you feeling like you work a seven day week - however, he has recently been offering to take care of DS while I go out for dinner or for a drink. He's done this twice this week and each time he does it, it makes him more keen to be involved. He's even come home asking if DS has been bathed yet because he wanted to do it. I think the more responsibility they HAVE to take - when it's just them and the baby and nobody else to take over - the more they start to actively enjoy the role.

I have also been told by many, many mothers that their other halves were useless for the first few months of their DC's life and it was only when DC started crawling/talking/really interacting that the fathers stepped up. This doesn't make it excusable that they have the luxury of choosing to be as involved or not as they like, but perhaps there is light at the end of the tunnel.

I would also make it solemnly clear to him that you fear you may be developing PND. I actually did this with my DP before he left for work this morning - it took for me to break down in tears and say that I largely hate being a mother at the moment for him to really appreciate how rough I am finding this. He's now slightly afraid I might do something daft, which I won't - but that fear isn't a bad thing if it makes me understand what it's like to be a full-time slave!

makes him understand, I mean.

Hi angel1976, thanks for your story. My DP is actually quite older than myself but it seems like mentally he is much more immature than I am despite the age gap. It is hard for me to understand why he would find the adjustment so difficult, mostly because I feel the most part of the change has landed on my shoulders not his. But eventhough I don't understand I accept that he might be finding everything a bit difficult. He seems to cope exactly as you say - by pretending that nothing has changed. He is loyal and I know he loves us really that's why I am being very patient with him eventhough I seem to loose it from time to time.
I wait for his initiative to do things like bathe the baby, wash up and then get wound up thinking to myself why on earth he pretends not to see the sink full of dishes or pile of clothes needing washing. Maybe we just need clear cut agreement - I do a,b,c and d while he does x,y,z.

thisxgirl - mine doesn't do any practicalities while I am around either. And yes, it does feel like working 7days a week - I find myself looking forward to weekends (out of the habit from the days when I was working) but weekends are no different than weekdays, even worse cause he is around and I just get angry with him in the end.
I will mention the PND to him as until now I just tried to show him I am not coping well by crying and being miserable. It does not seem to register so yes I will bluntly tell him I think I am going loopy and might need to see someone if that continues (which is not far from the truth - I have had depression in the past and he knows it and even the midwife who was with me at the labour has told him that because of my past I am vulnerable to developing it again so he has to be careful and supportive...)

A different perspective: I work outside the home full-time and my DH looks after our 8 month old. We did find it difficult to come up with a division of labour and got ratty with each other about it.

We now do a lot together in the evening. Neither of us wants to do housework at all really, and neither of us gets around to it if left to do it alone. So we tackle it together.The way I see it, we've both been working all day so neither of us has some greater claim to time off in the evening.

After a few weeks of this my DH is now far far better at doing stuff during the day when I am at work. I get up first and do a bit before I go to work. We forgive each other our crap days when nothing has been done.

Perhaps a first step could be to ask him to do things with you and take it from there.

mozarela - Be patient and you need to be clear with your DH how he can help you. I agree with thisxgirl - it's hard for us first-time mums to let go, DH didn't look after DS1 for a whole day till he was 13 months old! Partly because I admit I found it really hard to let go thinking he won't do a good enough job. But it' actually very empowering for men to take an active role in the childcare instead of feeling like they are lumped with the housework while their wives waltz about cooing at the babies (I know this is so NOT true but still...). Now DH would not blink at having to look after the two kids - afterall, they are his children too but it took me a long time to realise that.

Also it's hard for them then suddenly their wives have a new focus of their attention and they are relegated to being on the side. Do work on your relationship, at the end of the day, your child(ren) need you two to be happy together to provide a happy family life. You say that he is loyal and he loves you both, that to me, if key. That's how I felt about my DH, he might find being a father difficult at first but his love for us was never questioned.

To my DH's credit, he works very hard and he does it for us. DH likes snowboarding and he thought having children means that 'fun' bit of his life is over. I said to him there is no reason why we can't go skiing, we just need to plan it better. So now we are going on a ski trip soon and he found the holiday and booked it for us (would never have done this in the past, always leaving stuff like that to me!). He found a place that had an onsite creche and nannies so I could ski too. He's recently bought me a beautiful diamond necklace. It's taken him a while but I do think he realises now how hard I work for our family and that his life is easier as a result and he gives me credit for that. Try and think of your DH's positives, it's very hard in the beginning (when all you can think about if what a selfish twat he is!) when your baby is so young and dependent and your life as you know it seems to be over. Give it time and just keep talking.

Yeah, it's a period of adjustment and I believe things will get better for me and other mothers in my position, like you mozarela. Although I resent DP saying that the adjustment has been hard for him - because, like you, I can't see his lifestyle being impacted anything like as deeply as mine - I do understand that just the adjustment I've gone through has changed things for him too. I don't have as much time for him and I prioritise DS over him - so many men feel affronted by this shift. We are suddenly a family, not just a couple. You spend some time figuring out what this means, how we each individually operate within that structure, what we want from our lives now. I guess it takes a while to fall into place and it takes calm yet firm, open communication (no stropping, no resentment) to get there.

I think it's also really hard, as a mother, if you're used to working and using your brain and suddenly your everyday life is basically domestic chores and conversing with a baby who coos in response. I find myself desperate for an adult conversation by the time DP comes home - even if I go out in the morning/afternoon, there are still many hours where it's just me and DS and two piles of washing staring at me - and he's tired, stressed, wants some time to himself, doesn't appreciate the stimulation I've missed all day and resents my moaning because, until you've done it yourself day after day after day, I suppose being a SAHM does seem like you could sit on the sofa in your pajamas all day with your baby and where is the stress in that? Maybe it's also different ideas about parenting. When DP looks after DS alone, I KNOW there are periods where he gets on with his own stuff and has no issue with leaving DS in his chair with his toys and isn't actively looking after him, as such. It frustrates me but you have to let go and let them get on it. I've found that standing over his shoulder and saying, "you do x this way," doesn't help at all.

mozarela, I'd arrange a night with your friends and ease him into the role by not staying out late and doing the evening feed and bath before you go out so all he has to do is the last feed. He could ask a friend to come over and they could watch a film or something...that's what my DP does so we're both 'socialising' and it doesn't feel like such a chore.